The Fix: How to ditch the praise sandwich

Giving feedback -- especially when it’s critical -- is a difficult but necessary reality of managing people. But our approach to dealing with difficult conversations might just be missing the mark.?

This week's FIX: Why you should ditch the praise sandwich -- and what to serve up instead.

In last week's newsletter, we explored four ways to prepare for tough conversations. Most people would prefer to dodge these discussions rather than risk upsetting others or creating unwanted conflict. Their natural response? To disguise negative feedback with a praise sandwich -- tucking the critical message between two gauzy pieces of praise. Who hasn't given or received one of those before?

To be clear, there's nothing wrong with praise. Groundbreaking research by Carol Dweck shows that when praise is focused on process instead of product (the "how" versus the "who"), it can be a powerful motivator. The issue with the praise sandwich...is the sandwich: Not only does it dilute our message, but it also diminishes trust. When we don't address issues clearly, we leave others wondering what we're really trying to say -- and why we don't come right out and say it.

The good news? We can ditch the praise sandwich for a more satisfying feedback alternative -- the feedback WRAP. Rather than talk around issues, we can use the WRAP approach to bundle specific observations with nonjudgmental descriptions.?

WRAP stands for:

• What and where
• Reason
• Affect
• Prompt?

Simple and straightforward, WRAPs allow us to address issues with candor and coherence. They shift the tone of feedback from blame to contribution. And they give others more voice and choice over what should happen next.?

Here's how to deal with tough conversations using a WRAP approach:

First, describe what's happening and where it's happening. Set the coordinates and context for this conversation -- and be clear about the the specific issue you'd like to discuss.

Next, state your reason for sharing the information. This provides more clarity for the receiver and eliminates the feedback guessing game of "what is my manager really trying to say here?"

From there, shift the tone of the conversation by emphasizing affect, not blame. Describe how this behavior impacted you (and others) rather than judge the person for the behavior. People may disagree with our words, but they're less likely to contest our emotions -- so describe the impact, don't judge the individual.

And finally, prompt others for their ideas on what to do next. Engage them as partners in their own plan of improvement. Not only will they appreciate the opportunity to be heard, they're more likely to follow through on a idea that came from them, not us -- increasing the odds that positive changes or improvements will occur.?

Here's an example of the WRAP in action:

John is a strong performer but sometimes lacks savvy when interacting with others. He has a tendency to blurt out and cut people off, and his curt demeanor has become even more pronounced during Zoom meetings, where non-verbal cues are harder to read.

(Note: Giving feedback remotely carries a whole other set of considerations. Read this before delivering feedback over Zoom.)

What and Where: "Hey John, I wanted to talk about what happened during today's team check-in. There was a moment during the meeting when you cut off Alisa while she was mid-thought and it definitely got picked up by her and others."

Reason: "The reason I'm bringing this up is because I know how much you care about our team and wouldn't want something to disrupt our dynamics."

Affect: "I felt badly for Alisa when she got cut off -- I know she had been working through this concept for a couple of days, and when she couldn't articulate the whole plan there was confusion and concern among the team."

Prompt: "What's your take on this? Can you offer a way forward?"

This is high-grade feedback.?You clearly define the cause and context (John interrupted Alisa during a team check-in); explain your reason (John cares about the team and would want to know); explore why it matters to you (there's a cost to team dynamics); and seek genuine input from John (rather than imposing your own solution). Not only does John know exactly what’s on your mind and why you care, but he’s also prompted to evaluate this information for himself and generate his own call to action.

By approaching others as partners and diminishing fear and uncertainty, our feedback is more likely to be positively received. And because we're eliciting ideas and suggestions from others, solutions are more likely to stick, since they've been surfaced by others, not us.

Talking to people about their performance is never easy, but experience has shown me that when these conversations are reframed with a WRAP approach, people feel truly served by the feedback they receive -- and may even start coming back for more.

Dr. Joe Hirsch is the managing director of Semaca Partners, a?TEDx and?international keynote speaker, and the author of "The Feedback Fix." His work and research has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Forbes, CNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Inc. and other major outlets. He also hosts the popular podcast, I Wish They Knew. Connect with him at www.joehirsch.me?or?@joemhirsch.