Five ways to #StopAsianHate as an ally

Since arriving at John F. Kennedy airport more than 30 years ago, I have spent an enormous amount of time and effort trying to answer this question:

How do I get accepted as an American?

When there is no rung on the ladder that protects me and my fellow Asian Americans from hate, it is impossible to stay hopeful without allies. I am grateful to all my friends and colleagues for giving me their incredible support and encouragement after reading The invisible anguish of being a model minority. Many of them have reached out and asked for suggestions on how to be better allies.

On March 26, 1790, the U.S. Congress enacted its first naturalization law, the Naturalization Act of 1790, prohibiting non-white individuals from becoming citizens. To support #StopAsianHate virtual Day of Action and Healing, I humbly offer five tips to anyone who may wish to become a more effective ally.

1. Lead with empathy instead of incredulity

It’s challenging for me not to wince when an ally approaches a conversation with “I can’t believe this happened” or “I don’t understand why this keeps happening in our country.”

Consider reframing your approach with empathy when you speak with those who may be deeply impacted by structural racism and invisible hate crimes for a long time. The experience of Michael Luo is sadly very common. Each encounter continues to reinforce the feelings of a perpetual foreigner. The powerful congressional testimony by Daniel Dae Kim illustrates the enduring challenge Asian Americans face to simply be acknowledged.

As Melinda Epler wisely shared: “There is no magic wand that corrects diversity and inclusion. Change happens one person at a time, one act at a time, one word at a time.” An offer of your humanity with a genuine inquiry of “how are you feeling” is likely far more inviting to start a conversation. If you prefer to learn via video, watch Melinda’s fantastic TED Talk and implement her three tips.

2. Learn how to say the name of a friend or colleague

I fondly remember my father’s face lighting up when my school principal asked him how to pronounce our family name when I was in fifth grade. Sadly, I don’t remember anyone else asking him since. As my colleague William Huang eloquently stated “Names, among other things, provide us with a sense of connection to a specific community and to a rich set of cultural and familial traditions. When someone pronounces my name correctly, the subtext sent to me is: your thoughts matter, your opinions matter, and your existence matters.”

I try my best to ask people how to pronounce their names. Languages can be difficult to navigate though there are many tools available to facilitate learning. Names such as Benoit, Siobhan, Javier and Hermione can be tricky. Yet, my experience has shown that people are more willing to learn how to pronounce those names than Huang, Nguyen, Xiao or Zhao, even though the same set of 26 letters is used.

I am keenly aware that my surname is phonetically difficult for many people. View this video (or just ask me) if you wish to learn how to pronounce it. A colleague unexpectedly said my surname correctly on a call last night. I haven’t heard that outside of my family for years and it felt amazing.

3. Lean in and reduce the burden when offering support

I have said and heard “Please feel free to reach out if there is anything I can do to support you.” While that may not be intended as an empty gesture, it often quickly becomes one. Try checking in on those around you more actively. I keep a list of people I rotationally check in with every few weeks. It’s a simple list with names, dates of my previous check-in and a short note on what I wish to follow-up on during the next check-in.

Also, be mindful to reduce the burden for others to receive your support. There are many public resources available to foster an understanding of the anti-Asian racism that has long plagued our country. Take the time to read, watch and listen so you can be equipped with some historic and social context (sample booklist).

If you prefer personal stories, there are many thoughtful and courageous articles on LinkedIn. I didn’t know Elizabeth Kmety or Steffi Lau until yesterday though I am grateful to have connected with them as their stories deeply resonated with me. And I was jolted by a line written by Stephanie Drenka that fully articulated an unimaginable feeling I have felt for a long time.

"If you make people invisible long enough, perpetually portray them as outsiders, turn them into scapegoats, emphasize their otherness, you strip them of more than visibility. You erase their humanity."

The engineer in me is all about problem solving. However, any decent solution attempt will require an adequate understanding of the problem. Being an ally will be much easier and more effective after you have taken the time to learn the issues, especially when you invite family members, colleagues and friends to join you. Check out these lessons plans from PBS if you would like to learn with your children.

4. Listen with patience and engage with compassion

The myth of the model minority is pervasive, unjust and dangerous. It implies that certain ethnic minorities are better than others: better at adjusting to a different culture, more hardworking, more academically gifted. But this false narrative can segregate communities and cause a lot of harm to mental health and other aspects of well-being.

In addition, be sensitive on how you invite someone to share a personal experience. A direct request to “speak up” or “have an open conversation” may encompass great intent. However, the approach may not culturally resonate for those who defer to hierarchy or grow up in a household listening to traumatizing stories related to speaking up against authority. So please ask thoughtful questions and refrain from saying "speak up or I can't help you."

Keep building trust and patiently extend invitations to LISTEN. Personal experiences can be difficult or traumatic to process so learn to be more comfortable with long periods of silence. When someone offers to tell a personal story, listen generously without interruption by suspending your need for questions or validation.

My mother would often listen to elders vent their troubles during her daily visit of a local bakery. I asked her why because it was clear she would not be able to resolve the grievances mentioned. She sagely explained that these elders were lonely and didn’t wish to burden their families. They simply needed a temporary audience to empower them to speak their minds freely. Listening is a powerful gift you can offer to help someone lessen the weight he or she is carrying.

5. Lend your platform to drive change

The Anti-Oppression Network defines allyship as “an active, consistent, and arduous practice of unlearning and re-evaluating, in which a person in a position of privilege and power seeks to operate in solidarity with a marginalized group.”

Leverage your power and privilege to uplift, recognize, and advocate for Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders along with other minority individuals in your workplace and community. In your circles of influence, consider intentionally observing who is treated as an insider versus an outsider. Try inviting a perceived outsider to share a perspective or lead a group activity. Check your bias and intervene when you observe others exhibit bias to normalize allyship on your team.

Inequity related to gender and different types of minority identities often compounds the impact of bias. Be a more committed mentor AND sponsor for women of Asian descent. As a group, they are most likely to have completed a graduate education, but are least likely to hold a position within three levels of the CEO or have line or supervisory responsibilities. Many Asian American women are unable to advance into senior positions with a flattened career due to the docility myth. Stop perpetuating the imposter syndrome and provide them with equitable opportunities to learn from failures to increase their chance to overcome a double-glass ceiling.

Additional ways to help support the Asian American community

I am often asked for suggestions to donate time, talent and treasure. Enclosed below are five meaningful initiatives I am personally contributing to. There are many other great organizations doing inspirational work so please support as many of them as you can.

• Ascend Foundation – I have been blessed to grow professionally with this excellent career lifecycle organization which has rallied 100+ organizations to support a 5-Point Action Agenda to combat all forms of bias and racism.
• Asian American Advancing Justice – As an immigrant, I am moved by its mission to advocate for an America in which all Americans can benefit equally from, and contribute to, the American dream.
• APIA Scholars – Asian American students have the highest amount of unmet need financially. I am grateful to lend my support as I consistently worked multiple part-time jobs throughout my college years.
• Esther Lim – I don’t know Esther though I greatly admire her creativity and resourcefulness in producing Asian American Hate Crime Booklet in different languages.
• National Asian American Pacific Islander Mental Health Association – Asian Americans are the least likely racial group in the U.S. to seek mental health services. I am thankful for the availability of culturally resonant trainings, resources and services.

As I reflect on all my experiences, I can think of no better way to be accepted as an American by recalling my country’s goal to – form a more perfect Union – the five powerful words that were enshrined in the preamble of the Constitution of the United States of America. In that spirit, I will reaffirm my commitment to be a better ally for my fellow Americans on our collective journey to champion equity for all.

Hopefully, these five tips and initiatives are helpful for you in fostering allyship. And if you have read this far, I would like to share that my family name in Chinese is 伍 which is also a formal character for the number five. Thus, I humbly offered my advice in groups of five in my fifth LinkedIn article to honor the many generations of my family today.

I welcome suggestions and look forward to learning from those who wish to share their tips for allyship below in solidarity. Thank you for listening.

The views expressed by the author are personal and not necessarily those of Ernst & Young LLP or other members of the global EY organization.