Five Ways to have Less Conflict this Holiday
This time of year can bring joy and celebration. This time of year can also be a prime time for relationship conflict. Anxieties can be high over family relationships, planning and other things. Simply 'not looking forward to the Holidays' and 'hoping for the best' are not enough, in fact that mind set may even lead to conflict. The truth is, both of you want the Holidays to be happy. Here are some simple reminders to help you get on track and stay there for a happy holiday season.
1. REMIND YOURSELF OF YOUR PARTNER'S VALUE
Take a little bit of time to remind yourself that your partner is your choice. You have selected this person out of all others to share your life with, they have done the same in choosing you. That's a pretty cool thought in itself. Go beyond this thought: what is it that you value about him/her? What are things that you take for granted? Think about what brought you together and what you admire when you observe them interact with you and others. This will help put you in a state of appreciation, a state that will help keep you positive. You want to be mindful to make this special person's holiday as happy as you would like them to make yours'. Maybe you think you don't have this kind of power? You do. Your mood and the way you interact with them will greatly influence their mood.
2. BE YOUR BEST SELF
How will you be able to influence his/her day in a positive way if you are not feeling positive yourself? The second step is reminding yourself of who you are. Holidays can be a challenging time for caring for ourselves. You may be engaging in unhealthy behaviors: drinking or eating too much, gambling, or having angry outbursts. Think about the things you are doing that are unhealthy. Commit to stopping these behaviors right now. Spend some time thinking about your best qualities; 'When I am really at my best, what am I thinking and doing and being'? Commit to these ideals. Create a positive statement to yourself, for example: “I will be kind, assertive, loving” etc etc. Include attributes and qualities that may feel like a stretch in your definition of best self. For example, if you want to be 'outgoing' but really view yourself as 'shy', find a word that can bridge the difference. Instead of trying to be something your mind tells you that you are not-'outgoing', tell yourself you can be friendly and interact with everyone. This will seem more manageable and achieve the same outcome.
3. DON'T BE SURPRISED BY THINGS THAT HAPPEN FREQUENTLY
Often couples have the same arguments over and over. This can be especially true around the Holidays. The irony of this is that both people continue to do the same things in these arguments, completely disregarding the fact that these things don't work. Instead, take some time to think about situations and conflicts you are fearing this Holiday. Acknowledging to yourself that these situations will probably come up, rather than crossing your fingers and hoping that they don't, allows you to better prepare. You are not saying 'for sure this will happen', you are saying 'I will be prepared for something that is likely or probable to happen'. For example, if you are pretty sure your partner will be anxious before guests arrive and will start snapping at you, preparing can help calm rather than inflame your partner and the situation. Ordinarily when he/she snaps at you, you may respond with anger and hurt because it is unfair. Yes, it is unfair, but your anger then triggers him/her to lash out or shut down making the situation worse for both of you. Instead, respond with, “I know its important to you that everything goes well tonight, it is to me also, it will be ok”, then follow with “can you please not speak so sharply to me” Because he/she knows from your first response that you 1) understand and 2) are on the same page, he/she will respond positively to your request.
4. RESPOND ONLY TO WHAT IS GOING ON NOW
Couples often go into what we call 'trauma mind' when they are in conflict. This is when the current disagreement consciously or unconsciously triggers a past similar (and often worse) conflict. The defensive response to a trigger becomes more exaggerated than the situation seems to call for. This can be scary and confusing to our partner. We also sometimes bring up past instances thinking we are further supporting our argument. 'you always do this' or ' this is just like the time….' . This invariably leads to a defensive response from our partner, and exacerbates the situation. If you are able to only address the situation at hand it will be a more productive interaction. Ask yourself before speaking: 1. what did my partner do or not do that caused me to be upset 2. what is my unmet need 3. how am I feeling. Use only these 3 points in what you say. For example “ When you forgot to get the milk on the way home, I was unable to make the Christmas cookies, I feel hurt, because I think you don't care”. This way, you are letting them know the issue and how it effected you. There is no assumption or judgment on why they didn’t get the milk, nor is there a judgment that it is part of an ongoing negative pattern. One of the reasons to keep it about only what is going on now is because that allows your partner to see it as a resolvable issue. When we make it about the past, he/she may feel overwhelmed and hopeless because 'there is nothing they can do'.
5. ITS ONLY AN ARGUMENT IF YOU JOIN IN
Finally, remember that it takes 2 to argue. If he or she says something hurtful, take a pause. You don’t have to respond. At least you don’t have to respond right away. Our brain often feels like we have to respond right away to 'make the situation right' or 'stand up for ourselves', but this never helps, does it? Your partner will be far more receptive to you bringing up their misdeed later when emotions have calmed. Since you did not respond, they will also be less able to defensively 'put it back on you' with “ well you said/did………..”. This is not to say that you cannot say anything. Simply be mindful of when it goes past an exchange of information. For example, he/she says 'you didn't walk the dog', if you walked the dog, its ok to say 'yes I did'. If your partner refuses to accept this fact, and follows with 'no you didn't'. Do not allow yourself to then engage in a nonsensical debate. Remember, you have nothing to prove, and the argument will only serve to make things feel worse to both of you. Allowing time also sometimes results in you seeing that you misinterpreted your partner's words or actions.
Following these 5 steps will help you prepare to stay present and centered, allowing you to mindfully enjoy a great Holiday season.
https://www.relationshipstore.org/five-ways-to-have-less-conflict-this-holiday-2/