Five valuable lessons from my female leaders... and my mum

We recently celebrated Mum’s retirement from being a specialist anaesthetist. Woven throughout the stories of carotid endarterectomies, fem-pop bypasses and emergency caesarean sections were the anecdotes of what a trailblazer she was for junior female doctors.

We heard that she defied the preference for women to wear skirts or dresses and that she was asked by an all-male interviewing panel when going for a job, "Dr. Killalea – you’ve already had two children, do you plan on having any more?” to which she inquired, “did you ask the seven male candidates that question?” Mum got the job, went on to have three more children and work at that same hospital for over 30 years.

Both Mum and Dad are specialist doctors but from a young age I noticed that they were treated very differently. I recall going to work with Mum one day and as she parked the car, had a knock on the window from a man who said, “excuse me, this car-park is only for doctors” to which she responded with, “Hi. I’m Dr Killalea. Who the hell are you?” 

The irony of my mother being such a strong woman (whose own mother was a psychiatrist and sole breadwinner of nine children) is that Mum had five boys who she raised as a single mother. This is why I strive to be a strong advocate and supporter of women in the workplace, especially working mothers. 

Wanting to do more

When I attended a ‘Parity’* team breakfast last year and learned that the young women in my team wanted to know more about our female leaders’ journeys to becoming partners at Deloitte, I enlisted the help of my talented colleague, Lisa Mossé, to tackle this challenge. We recorded ZOOM interviews with Monitor Deloitte’s female partners and some of our male partners capturing their stories to create the “Pathways to Partner” video series which was released to our team.

Despite considering myself reasonably aware of the challenges my female colleagues continue to face in the workplace today from mansplaining to unconscious bias, I learnt so many things hearing these authentic, inspiring and, at times, confronting stories. 

Lessons from my female leaders

Lesson 1 – Hear all voices in the room

Some of our female leaders are introverts which was often mistaken for not having the confidence to succeed in their next role as they progressed ‘through the ranks’ to partner. 

What you can do: 49% of us are introverts according to Myers-Briggs. Susan Cain, hero of the ‘quiet revolution’ and best-selling author of Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking, suggests that the best way to engage introverts is to give them space to voice their opinions, ideas and feedback as well as encourage them to be themselves, without encouraging them to change. ‘Everyone shines, given the right lighting’ Susan Cain

“You don’t need to change who you are. You just need to develop techniques to make sure that when you speak you are listened to. You can learn confidence building techniques and draw on a range of tools that will support you to get a strong and clear message out in different environments and scenarios.” Colette Rogers 

Lesson 2 – Boost the confidence of returning mothers

One of the biggest struggles of mothers returning to work is their confidence. Many high performing women leave their careers because they feel like they can’t do their ‘work-job’ and ‘mother-job’ well at the same time so they pick one; usually the ‘mother-job’. 43% of new mums return and then leave the workforce in the first year due to lack of support and 75% wished they did not have to.

What you can do: Play a proactive role in rebuilding returning mothers’ confidence. Have a conversation with returning mothers about their career goals and aspirations so they can be given opportunities aligned to this.

“In our profession, confidence matters. So one of the things that we can all do to support people in that transition period is to create moments of building self-confidence. When that happens, they fly…” Giselle Hodgson

Lesson 3 – Believe in yourself

Some women will often not ‘back themselves’ out of fear of not being ‘100% ready’. Justin Trudeau confessed that it was much harder to convince the women to join his famously equitable Cabinet in 2015 than the men who backed themselves without hesitation. 

What you can do: Back women even if they don’t initially back themselves and explain all of the reasons you think she is right for the task. 

“The greatest gift you can give yourself and others is to believe in yourself. If you don’t value yourself, rate yourself or think that you’re worthy then your environment will reflect that.” - Vanessa Matthijssen

Lesson 4 – Be intentional with opportunities

Sometimes women put themselves in gender stereotypical roles or do ‘thankless tasks’ to their own detriment. For example, organising social events or leading culture, diversity or volunteering initiatives as opposed to leading sales and business development campaigns, often allocated to or volunteered for by men. It was interesting to hear in a speech at Mum's retirement party that she had 'the thankless task of doing the roster for 15 years."

Research published in the Harvard Business Review in 2018 showed that:

• Women volunteer themselves for “non-promotable tasks” more than men;
• Women are more frequently asked to take such tasks on; and 
• When asked, women are more likely to say yes.

What you can do: Be intentional about the opportunities being given to women versus the opportunities being given to men, including the office ‘housework’ projects. 

“There’s some really great role modelling people can do at all levels by being really smart and intentional about who’s in the room, who’s on the meeting invite, who’s on stage presenting, who’s in the proposal we’re submitting, who’s facilitating the seminar… It’s about being really practical and having the permission to ask the question, ‘do we have the right gender mix here?’” - Niki Alcorn

Lesson 5 – Call it out, authentically

Everyone should call out poor behaviour in their own, authentic way. This may include using humour in the moment or addressing it more formally afterwards. There is no ‘correct’ way. 

What you can do: We all have a leadership role to play in creating the workplaces and cultures we want. Be clear on what your values are and what behaviour is in conflict with those values so that you can call out poor behaviour when you see it, in a way that is authentic to you. The adage from 2016 Australian of the Year Lieutenant General David Morrison AO holds true, “the standard you walk past is the standard you accept”

“If I see something in a room or a meeting where a colleague is not acting in a way that I think is effective then I’m really comfortable calling that out, because I’m not connected to the emotive result of it. I’m not connected to the ‘this hurts me’, I’m connected to the growth part of it which is ‘how do I bring that person on that growth journey?’” Andrea Culligan

I’m keen to hear your thoughts, opinions and reactions to these. What else can we do? I’d love to hear more perspectives and lived experiences.

*Parity is a Monitor Deloitte initiative which seeks to create equal opportunities and break down any barriers our female team members might experience through informal conversations, sharing stories and taking any action where required.