Five Tips for Building Trust with a Colleague you Don't Trust

We all know that trust is a crucial element of successful relationships, yet often, at work, there will be a colleague you don’t trust.

It might be because past experience has shown them to be unreliable and miss deadlines. It could be that you’ve seen them play politics and take credit for work that isn’t theirs to claim. It could be they gossip, don't take accountability for their mistakes, or something else.

Ingredients such as accountability, authenticity, consistency, integrity, and reliability are core to having trust, and most people excel at some but not all of these ingredients.

So what do you do if you don’t trust someone at work? Ignore it and hope it goes away. Find a way to work around it. Or try to elevate the relationship?

Own Your Part

While we are all likely to self-assess ourselves as trustworthy, at times, we can do things that erode trust.

So, elevating trust with a colleague starts with you.

You need to challenge yourself to examine how trustworthy you are in the context of this relationship. For example, do you deliver on your commitments in a way that makes you reliable? Do you own up to your mistakes so that you are accountable? Do you gossip and play politics in a way that negatively impacts your reputation?

One issue might be that your colleague views you as untrustworthy. Consequently, improving the relationship starts with uncovering, acknowledging and accepting the part you have played.

You can only expect others to change if you're prepared to go first.

Quit the Assumptions

When we meet someone for the first time, we very quickly assess whether we like them, trust them, want to work with them or want to do business with them.

Research highlights we have between 7 to 15 seconds to make a first impression face-to-face. This is based on what is known as 'thin slicing'. Professor Frank Bernieri of Oregon State University has found we assess people relatively quickly without much data.

This assessment is based on a raft of factors, many of which can be relatively superficial. It might be a glance, a handshake, what they wear, their demeanour, whether they maintain eye contact, or how they smile. Through this assessment, we deem someone trustworthy or otherwise.

However, that initial assessment, which then gets reinforced through future interactions, can be off the mark.

It is easy to jump to conclusions about why your colleague is acting a certain way. However, remember that few people wake up with the intent of making their colleague's working day miserable.

Consider how you might approach the relationship if you abandoned your assumptions about their behaviour. Rather than assume bad intent, be curious. Think of it as flipping the lens you are using to view their actions so that you view them from a different perspective.

For example, is their behaviour towards you consistent, or has it changed recently? If it's changed, be interested in what may have caused it. It could be that their workload and stress levels have increased, and they are facing surging demands. If that's the case, seeking to understand and find ways to help is a great place to start.

Open the Communication Channels

You want to understand your colleague's perspective and how you can best work together. That's best achieved through open and connected conversations. By engaging directly, you can drop the assumptions, elevate your understanding of the different interpersonal styles and find common ground.

The aim is to enter the conversation with good intent and a genuine interest in who they are, what matters to them, and how you can work together better. This conversation isn't an 'I'm right – you're wrong' conversation.

You want to invite your colleague to the conversation.

Start the conversation by saying, "I've been thinking about our working relationship, and I believe we have a lot of potential to collaborate effectively. I'd like to understand your perspective better and share my own. Would you be open to having a conversation about this over coffee or lunch?"

This approach acknowledges the need for improvement without placing blame, and it invites open dialogue in a neutral setting.

Then, in the conversation, find the points of common ground. As Professor David DeSteno highlights in this HBR article , finding points of similarity increases connection and empathy and elevates a person's willingness to cooperate with you.

Ask for Help

It may surprise you, but one of the critical activities for building trust is to ask for help.

When you ask for help, you show that you're open and willing to admit you don't have all the answers. You also demonstrate to your colleague that you respect their expertise and knowledge.

You need to be willing not just to take but give, too, so embrace the spirit of reciprocity. Be genuinely grateful for the help and willing to return the support.

Value Your Reputation

Sadly, not everyone plays nice at work with politics a reality of the workplace. Don't let a colleague's behaviour and approach negatively impact how you feel and show up at work.

Your reputation is one of your most essential career assets. Treat it as such by staying true to who you are and not side-stepping your values.

When you gossip, play politics, or are overly negative, you'll find?your reputation on the downhill slide.

Always think long-term. In an era where you can never be sure where your career will land, you don't want to find your career ambitions thwarted by something you did many years ago when you weren't paying close attention to your reputation.

The good news is that trust is dynamic, so damaged relationships can be restored, and new relationships can be formed. So where do you need to shift your focus today?

Getting you ready for?tomorrow, today?

Michelle Gibbings is a workplace expert, the award-winning author of three books, and a global keynote speaker. She's on a mission to help leaders, teams and organisations create successful workplaces - where people thrive and progress is accelerated.