Five things managers say all the time and really shouldn’t

Managers are often measured on results. Great managers understand all too well that the way to get results is through people—by driving excellence, creating a solid culture and inspiring people to give their best.

Much of the driving results lies in the way managers build trust and communicate. As a trusted advisor and coach to CEOs and others in management, I’m often privy to their way of communicating and how it’s received on the other end. There are times when they get it right and the messages are received as intended. At other times, however, they don’t land well and leave a less-than-desirable impact. The intention may be good, but there are some oft-used statements that managers use to attempt to "soften the blow" or empower their team, and they just don’t work.

No matter what level of management you're in, from a first-time manager right up to the CEO, you need to know how to communicate your message effectively and with empathy.

Here are some commonly used statements, my top picks, that managers would be better off not using at all.

1. Only come to me with solutions, not problems.

This commonly used statement is based on a solutions-focus ideology. The manager wants to minimize situations where team members come to them with every little thing that’s gone wrong. The well-meaning manager wants to encourage staff members to at least try to solve their own problems before coming to them to complain.

Sound reasonable? Actually, as a manager, you need to keep your finger on the pulse of your business at all times. You need to know the ins and outs, even if you don’t get involved at every level. I believe the intention behind this statement is good, but all too often, it creates the result that you don’t hear about the problems or the solutions. This is when you can end up losing touch with your business and your people.

Encourage your people to tell you about the problems and their solutions. Nothing should be kept hidden. Then you can help them think through the problem (don’t give your answer) and come up with the best solutions.

2. Ask for forgiveness rather than permission.

Not all managers give people the freedom to take risks, so it may seem that managers who use this statement are forward-thinking and empowering. This is another well-intentioned statement aimed to encourage staff to be bold, creative and proactive. Those are certainly good qualities. But as a manager, you do want to know about what your direct reports are up to and create an opportunity for brainstorming and dialogue.

Don’t be the kind of manager who puts down every idea or who is too risk-averse to allow their team to try anything new. This only breaks down communication between you and your team.

Do encourage your team to come with new ideas, and give them leeway to act, even if you think it won’t work. I’ve seen many surprises (good ones) happen when managers think something won’t work but give their team the freedom to try new things. The key here is dialogue!

3. This is harder for me than it is for you.

This is normally said just before a tough message is delivered. I’ve heard it often used when a manager is about to let someone go.

Delivering tough messages is difficult for many managers to do, and the hardest message is when you have to fire a staff member. However, the impact on the person receiving the “talk” is clearly much harder.

The manager, in this case, is trying to soften the blow and show empathy. Well-intentioned as it may be, it doesn’t land well and creates antagonism. Rather, be direct. For example, “This is really difficult for me to say, but I need to tell you something that is going to be hard for you to hear …”

4. It's not personal.

Like the previous statement, this is also a buffering message that managers use in the hope of softening the blow of a tough feedback conversation. What the manager is trying to say is that they are not criticizing the person, but rather a certain behaviour or outcome, which is valid.

Saying it this way is simply incorrect because it’s hard for people to hear negative feedback. That’s part of being human. And it is personal—because it’s about a person. Whether it’s an action or a behaviour or an impact, there’s a person behind it who has feelings, and their feelings can be hurt when they feel criticized.

Giving feedback is key to a person’s development and success. Learn the skill of delivering effective feedback; this will help you to address behaviours without seeming to attack.

Be sure to establish trust over time within the relationship so that when you deliver criticism, it’s not taken as a personal attack, but rather an opportunity for growth.

5. This is how we do things around here.

An important part of company culture is that there is a way that things are done—traditions that have built over time. Often this can be inspiring and exciting and helps people feel a sense of belonging a basic human need.

However, when we use a statement such as this to condone bad behaviour or stifle an innovative approach, we close ourselves off to the possibility of what can happen if we try something different.

So by all means, hold on to great culture—and at the same time, encourage your employees to try new approaches, bring in fresh ideas and build on what already exists within a culture. Keep an open mind.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I can’t believe managers say these things,” good for you that you haven’t used them or heard them. But if you do find one of these statements popping out of your mouth, stop for a minute and think how you could say it differently.

Let me know how you can do or say things differently in your organisation, let’s start a conversation?

This article was first published on Forbes.com on 21st February 2020