Five things I learnt from... #002

Five things I learnt from Chris Voss's book Never Split the Difference

Chris Voss was a hostage negotiator for the FBI, where he spent many years saving lives that had been put at risk by kidnappers, bank robbers, gangs and terrorists.

His book, Never Split the Difference, is full of hints, tips, advice, stories and anecdotes that would equip anyone to negotiate successful. Although, I'm not sure that I'd want to throw myself into the many scary situations he found himself in.

But, rather than preparing me for negotiating with the worst of the world, this book helped me to understand emotions, stress, communication, influence, collaboration, beliefs and much more.

Here are 5 things I learnt from reading his book:

1. Make the first goal of any interaction "human connection"

When we are talking with someone else, we want to feel like they are interested and listening.

That comes before any goal that they have or outcome they want to achieve.

So many of our interactions are transactional and devoid of real connection. Conversations in the supermarket, calls with colleagues, even our comments on people's LinkedIn posts!

Think about what would happen if all the interactions you had during a day involved deep human connection.

Think about what would happen if the only goal you set yourself for a day was to have human connection with everyone that you interacted with.

Once you have human connection, whatever other goals you have generally become easier to achieve.

2. Identifying and responding to emotions is the key to great relationships

Chris Voss says

Emotions aren't the obstacles, they are the means

Emotions are one of the most powerful tools in negotiation, influence and change. If we are to be able to use emotions constructively and powerfully, we first need to be able to identify them.

To identify emotions we really need to listen - to what is being said, to what is not being said, to how it is being said.

We won't always identify the emotions correctly, so we need to have some way of checking that we are right. We might need to give people more than one chance to answer a question before we get to their real feelings.

Listening to our gut helps us identify lack of alignment. If there is a lack of alignment between what is being said and what we are feeling we can explore it and see what emotions are behind that for the other person.

We know children have a reason for everything they do, even when we don't understand it, and much of that is related to emotion -?but this is the same for adults, especially in a negotiating space. There are reasons and emotions driving everything that is done, even if they are not known.

Identifying and responding to these emotions appropriately will help us to build brilliant relationships, with real connection.

Side Note: It can be very useful to identify our own emotions first - that is a great place to practice identifying and naming emotions.?

3. Hearing "No" points you towards where you need to start work

When someone says "No" that gives you something that changes the course of the conversation or negotiation, as you can now start to understand what the challenge or barrier is.

When someone says "No" that gives them a sense of control and a sense of safety. People need to feel safe, secure and in control. When they do, they will be more willing to work with you. They don't feel like they have been pressured into a fake yes.

You can then ask Questions to help understand "No". The answers to these questions will help you to identify the things that are important to them and that you can work on. These questions may well cause them to think hard, they may not speak for some time, so give them more space and time than you might think you need to.

If you don't understand what is important you might be working on things that they don't really care about but not getting any closer to an agreement.

When people say no, it can be for many reasons - so it is useful to think about what the meaning or reason behind the no is. It could be:

- I don't understand enough yet

- I'm not ready to commit to that

- I need input from others before I can make that decision

- I feel under too much pressure to make the right decision

- I can't afford what you are proposing

and more...

Chris Voss reminds us that

Being right isn't the key to a successful negotiation - having the right mindset is

No is not a bad thing!

4. People's reasons for not doing something are often more influential than their reasons for doing something

When people are considering change, new ideas, doing something, a contract, a product etc. the weight that they give to the reasons not to go for it is often heavier than the weight they give to the reasons for going for it. This is especially true if they have been the one to suggest the options.

Even if you share the future in a way that is desirable and believable people can still have big hurdles to overcome to get on board with it.

All decisions are made through a process - and for some that process focusses more on the reasons not to do something than on the reasons for doing something.

So, it is important that you face into those reasons for not. Only focusing on the reasons to change might not lead to a compelling enough argument or proposal.

Help people to paint a picture of the current situation that they don't like - help them come up with all the "away from" reasons that they can.?

Facing into the reasons for not or the barriers can also give you significantly more information about the person and what is important to them, which can be used to influence the decision making or changes that you can make to the proposal.

5. When it comes to conflict, don't run away, don't stay and fight - face the problem with empathy towards those involved

We don't like conflict. That can mean two things.

1. We run away from it (possibly by ignoring it, possibly by conceding everything); or

2. We stand our ground and fight and it can become an unproductive argument.

We are not really thinking clearly in either of these two circumstances, but we are letting our fear rule instead.

It is much more productive to enter into conflict with empathy. Working together to solve the problem, rather than against each other will get a better outcome - and that means you can't run away, or fight. You need to understand the other person, and their view point and work together with empathy.

Which of these five lessons resonates most with you?

What do you worry about when it comes to negotiating?

How do you connect, work with emotion and express empathy?