A Five-Step guide to be the Fastest Rat..

A rather tedious exchange of words with someone last week on transactional Vs strategic thinking reminded me of this old post of mine from my 2011 blog archives. Have you also sometimes stopped to look back , analyze and notice that most business world disasters in recent times have been a result of exaggerated optimism by fancy strategists, disguising a random past success into a rounded story , and in turn, selling a future that they have no clue of ? I seriously feel that we are living in a business world where there are far too many strategists and too few doers.

Btw, this post was written in jest, without meaning to offend the sensitivity of any group, especially that of strategic thinkers ??

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So you are young, ambitious , restless and just can’t wait to climb into your Porsche to get to your swanky Park Avenue office – right ?

 You just don’t have the patience to go through the dumb grind and the hard work like your elders did, simply because you are smarter than them and love to live life on the fast lane of instant gratification, correct ?

 If you replied “Yes” to both the questions above, then you are on the right page. Read on !

 Here’s my step by step guide on how to get into, adjust to and finally rise to the helm of a large organization so that you could play golf during daytime for the rest of your life and spend your evenings sipping expensive rare single malts , giving interviews to the Fortune magazine.

 (In case you are still reading, I know I have got you now ! Go ahead. Try the following time tested methods of getting and staying ahead in rat races).

 B-School– Remember how crazy we used to be to get to college while still in school ? However, after a couple of years in there, when college became a drag, we yearned to go back to school again, right ? Thus was born the Business School of today for wannabe high flyers like you .An Ivy league* B-school is your first step in the corporate ladder(*‘Ivy League’ means 6-7 building blocks, separated by sprawling lawns and whose walls have lots of Ivy growing on them). Here’s where you unlearn every bit of common sense and linguistic skills that you might have acquired in your past 20 years. Here’s where several grey haired professors roam freely (& who are often referred as "gurus" by Biz magazines) , evading arrest( sometimes, murder) , who are trained to destroy (sometimes at gunpoint) every pre-existing brain cell of yours and re- program you for the new and exciting life ahead. Here’s where you learn to speak strictly the language of graphs, charts, tables, derivatives* and determinants** (Don’t feel guilty. Even I have no clue what ‘derivatives’ or ‘determinants’ mean).If ever they hear you speak like a commoner inside the campus, these professors might decide to take you to task by forcing you to spend an entire night with them as they explain to you the Maslow’s theory or Porter’s forces, one by one. Here’s where you will eventually start speaking a language which is a never ending stream of grown up words like  segmentation, commercialization, debenture ,pareto, downsize, brainstorming, appreciate , methodology, equilibrium, cost of ownership, life cycle evaluation, individual contributor, leadership trait, executive champion, leverage, value-add, IRR, ROI  and others. Okay, nobody outside those Ivy walls understands these terms. But don’t be nervous. After all, what do regular guys like say, a Dhirubhai Ambani or Steve Jobs know about business anyway ? You have amazing role models in the likes of Chetan Bhagat & others , who are products of these B-Schools, right ? So get set to join their elite club. Polish your jargon.  

 And also your shoes, as you get ready for your……

  Interview – If you are from one of those Ivy League B schools, chances are that prospective employers would camp outside your hostel gates for several weeks, begging you to join them (while you make fun of their elderly HR manager hanging outside your room window) . Some desperate employers might even contemplate employing the mafia  to  kidnap you and lock you up in their “campuses” for a few weeks (cozy , colorful and fun places, keeping you nostalgic about your B School and also having a steady traffic of pretty girls all over the place) till you forgive them and start working for them at a compromised salary that doesn’t allow you to buy that Porsche in your first year of employment , making you hate your job.

 However, if you have somehow dared to stoop to go to a 2nd rung B school (with cleaner walls & no Ivy), you might be required to appear for an interview. Don’t be nervous about this one. Just remember to act nervous. The 3 pot -bellied morons on the other side of the table get an orgasmic delight every time they see you sweat and stutter. Gives them a feel of self- worth which they don’t otherwise get at their workplace or home. Also, remember to drop in sufficient B-School gibberish as you go along , to keep them hooked. Throw terms like Audited Annual Report of past 3 years, Economic re-alignment with Global prime movers , etc at them and you should be able to get them break into a dance out of excitement. Ask for an obscenely large salary without batting an eyelid. That would make them nervous and also feel that you don’t come cheap (which actually is a USP in the corporate world). They might ask you the ‘Are you mobile ? ’ question. Always say “Yes” ( That’s just a trick question. They actually don’t have any operations in Congo, stupid ! They were testing you) . If you can do all this well, they would hire you on the spot, unless you have committed some rudimentary errors during the past 30 mins (such as you had dressed up like a peacock for the interview and were incessantly poking your nose and then inspecting your finger, or suppose you had been continuously staring at the desktop photograph of the interviewer’s sexy wife, or maybe you have been getting up every 2 minutes from your seat to scratch yourself at the wrong places, or splattering your pan parag on his white shirt while trying to explain Kotler’s theories to him).

 If you did not do any of those, in that case, congratulations and welcome to the corporate world.

 Now all you need to remember as the next step is to have the…

 Executive Presence– The first rule is , never wear your red boxers on top of your trousers (always think you are Superman, just don’t imitate his dressing sense). Forget about my analogy. I was trying to be funny. The only ground rule is to remember to wear a suit to work, no matter the climate ( a dark grey one is best as you may wear it for several months in a row till it starts smelling real bad, or pieces of it start falling off). A suit may also be helpful in camouflaging that pot belly of yours(I am joking – ha !). Have a pre-knotted necktie ready in your breast pocket for emergency meetings (or for wiping your nose on the sly if you have a cold). Oh yeah, always carry a copy of the Financial Times in your hand and display it casually on your desk (Don’t be scared, you don’t have to read it. Even Amartya Sen doesn’t understand a word in it , but keeps it handy nevertheless, just for effect). This generally keeps lesser mortals in awe of you. Also, keep a spare jacket thrown around your chair and some papers scattered on your table at all times. This is a good decoy for people to assume that you are in office but “not at your desk” (while you are actually on your 3rd beer at the neighborhood pub, eyeing that green eyed lass on the opposite bar stool). Another cardinal rule of corporate presence is that you have to be seen forever on your phone while in office so that nobody ever gets an opportunity to talk to you in person ( especially the finance guys) and seek some clarification. Always keep visitors waiting for hours (while you play card games on your laptop), just to accentuate your importance. Never pick your desk phone until after the 4th ring( else it might give away the fact that you were actually sitting idle, ogling at some Facebook album of a friend’s ex-girlfriend). Always drop in at the office (just for 10 mins) on weekends (on your way to the mall) and make sure everybody knows that you had a “working weekend”. Never reply to emails as soon as they come. Save drafts of all your emails and set an alarm for a God forsaken hour (say 2.08 AM) , wake up, click on the “send” button and again go back to sleep. Senior people are especially impressed when they see these middle-of – the-night emails from young talent like yourself and they earmark you for future leadership positions. One more thing – Watch what you eat and drink while at work. While you might love Dhokhla , Mooli kaa saag , paneer makhni, & curry pakoda chaawal , but when in company zone, always insist on salads, pasta and diet cokes. Indian foods spread extremely non-corporate vibes ( & later, invite toxic burps ). If you must drink alcohol during the company party, lock yourself in your remote hotel room first, lest you break into your tapori dance routine to the “Mongdaa Mongdaa” number after your 3rd drink in front of the Chairman , just when he and the HR director are discussing something serious (For example - the headcount cut for your department, and were trying to figure out whom to fire next week ) or maybe you might grope the 103 kilo Gita for balancing / support, after your 5th one (& she happily misunderstands your gesture). Best is, just “circulate” in the crowd with a glass of untouched red wine in your hand (try and record some compromising videos of some drunk colleagues, for future use).

 Once you ace all the above, you are ready for…

 Bosses, and other animals– So your boss is a jerk, right ? No wait ! He is actually a scumbag ! And given a chance, you would happily strangle him and feed him to the dogs, correct ? (Don’t be ashamed about these deep, violent feelings. Your subordinates feel the same about you too). It’s universal. Bosses can never be likable(unless of course, you have someone like Kim kardashian or Sunny Leone for a boss).Bosses arrive early the days you are late and vice versa. They will never notice you slogging till 9 PM on a Friday, but would be the first to point out your smallest flaw and screw up your appraisal. They have just two primary missions in life – one is to remind you what a loser you are, several times during the day and always when in the vicinity of the sexiest female colleagues, and the second is to lecture you on everything, from work, to sex to nirvana and self-actualization . And mind it, it’s a one way street. Your boss doesn’t like smart asses like you especially if you like to ask smart questions( for which they obviously don’t have answers). So - act dumb in his presence, laugh at his ridiculous jokes, show him how much you are in awe of him , etc and you should be okay. And just as a defense measure, try and get some pictures of him when he throws up and passes out during the company off site event , or sneak up from the window behind him & videotape him surfing some porn websites during the lunch hour (Psst - Just in case, you see..). Also, never ever share any important information with him . Keep him forever dependent on you. When you slog to make his presentations, be sure that he screws up with the silly hyperlink (or something equally elementary) in front of 100 senior people, and you are needed to step in and “save the day” for the department. Keep him as confused and disoriented as possible till he ;

1. Attempts suicide or gets a cardiac arrest
2. Chooses to look for another job or simply disappear into the Himalayas ; or
3. Decides to promote you just to get rid of you, and himself steps down / aside in dismay at life in general .

   In either of the above cases, you would move up the ladder now. And master the art of ….

 Meetings  – See, as a modern day manager, you need to fill up your long work days, right ? Unless you spend 16 hours in your office, you don’t really qualify to be a fast tracker. So you could choose to break up these 16 hours as follows -

  4 hours : Sleeping in a remote conference room where no one ever goes

2 hours : Fighting pointlessly on emails (more about this later)

2 hours  : At the vending machine, catching the latest scoop(or spreading rumors about the compliance investigation involving your boss)

 1/2 hour : At the loo

 1/2 hour : On Social Media ; & finally

 7 hours :  In meetings of various kinds.

 Always have your calendar stacked with lots and lots of meetings, which make you look good and important. Meetings are generally held in extremely cold and dark places known as meeting rooms. Someone always plays a Power Point pitch through the LCD projector and gets into a detailed narrative of about 150 slides containing lot of information, which nobody generally challenges ,lest they are asked to go up and explain it.( Tip – A ready reckoner on how to attend meetings is available in one of my earlier blogs, titled “The Pink Brigade”, which is available for you as a free reference material on request  ). Basically, all you need is to select the darkest  corner of the room, where - if needed, you may doze off for 30 mins at a stretch without anybody noticing. Remember to keep some important looking colorful file open in front, just in case someone suddenly walks up behind you . If you are not sleepy, you could do other useful things in those hours, say , watch a streaming cricket match (keep it on mute, though), exchange nasty jokes with your boss’s girlfriend on the chat window , read Santa Banta adventures and forward them to her (just keep a straight face with a lot of concentration and strain on it), hone your sketching skills on the scribble pad, or simply sit back cozily and indulge in carnal fantasies involving several voluptuous women dancing with you at some Caribbean Island. Yes, occasionally you would need to stay alert and pop in some harmless questions around neutral subjects like “productivity”, “receivables” etc ( growl your sentences using your deepest baritone and generously throw in lots of acronyms like say,WTF or GFY or GTH or something similar which nobody would understand , but it would earn you instantaneous awe across the room for uttering those incomprehensible terms)to ensure that people know that you are in attention. Also, most importantly, make sure from time to time that the same meeting is still on, and a completely new set of people have not moved into the meeting room while you had dozed off. And finally, there’s generally lot of fattening food like pizzas, chocolate cakes, cookies and stuff served in those meetings. Always gulp down the pizza in lightning speed so that you may trick your system and take in lesser calories (I am again joking… ha ! Take a look at your boss !…..)

 Keep working at these and one day you will master the art of meetings and also maybe write a blog about them like me. There are obviously other many important aspects that add to make the corporate high flyer. But since my meeting ( where I am sitting right now) seems to be nearing conclusion, I need to sign off and ask a few questions around our strategic road map into the emerging markets . I can see my boss throwing dirty glances in my direction for the past 10 minutes….

  More in Part 2 ( My comprehensive guide to Corporate travel, Corporate reading ,Corporate Communication, Corporate Sports(Golf, politics , scratching your head ), Corporate conference calls, etc )….. 

 Watch this space.

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Archives - 2011

( Disclaimer – This is meant to be a fun post that was scribbled on a Sunday for people to read on Sundays. Please do not take it seriously. The analogy on Ivy leagues and some names used in this are not in any form of disrespect, but only in jest).