Five Stages of Grief when Giving Notice | Part I

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a Psychiatrist. Born in Switzerland and then moved to the US in the 1950's. Admittedly, I did not know much about her until now.

Many of us have heard of the Five Stages of Grief. Never really bothered to learn more about it or Dr. Kubler-Ross. She wrote a book called "On Death and Dying" in 1969. In it, she described five areas that a person experiences during grief.

Should mention early that Dr. Kubler-Ross did not intend these stages to be in any particular order. Everyone has their own progression when experiencing grief according to her.

Per usual, started thinking about how they apply to recruiting. Specifically to giving notice. Interestingly, they fit rather well.

This post will be a five-part series to give equal weight to each stage. They are:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Giving notice is rarely a festive occasion. A good portion of the time you are blindsiding your team, your boss and your boss' boss. Nothing like disappointing that many people all in one conversation. Feels less than awesome.

"Denial is the most reliable of the stages in my opinion. The majority of people question the reality of a situation first."

The meeting needs to be had so it helps to have an expectation of what is coming your way. Take a peek at a past blog about "Social Risk" regarding what happens if someone does not have a necessary conversation.

Denial is the most reliable of the stages in my opinion. The majority of people question the reality of a situation first. 

It is our mental reflex.

Nah, I did not hear them right. They must have said they are weaving (new hobby), heaving (hung over) or reaving (little violent but still okay).

That is why the first response is usually silence. Normally followed up with gems like - "You are not leaving" or "We can fix this" or my personal favorite "This is not happening."

It is logical as that is the easiest path. Completely shut down and ignore what was said.

Well played.

As the person giving notice, it is important to let them have their moment. You have been likely thinking about this for days or even weeks. They were in the middle of three things (one of which for some reason seems to always be them leaving on vacation...) and now someone dumped a bucket of ice water over their head. 

It is best to always be empathetic when confirming your statement. While you are excited about your new role and increased compensation, this poor soul has to pick up the pieces. The best sentence we can recommend is:

"I have accepted another offer. How can we best transition my current responsibilities?"

Leaves them nowhere to go as you have made it clear that the deal is done. It may seem a bit abrupt. It is best to tear off the band aid in the beginning. Sets the tone for the entire conversation.

It also allows them to come to terms with the fact that they need to accept it as true.

If you are the person receiving their notice. Take a moment to compose yourself. Choose your words carefully. A slightly sad smile and congratulations goes a long way to taking the tension out of the room. Probe a bit about the role and that should prompt the person to open up and explain why they are leaving. You may learn something about your team, your company, your product or yourself. The last thing you will want to do is listen. Need to do it anyway. Let something good come from this conversation. Word will also get around if you treat them with respect and kindness. Word will get around faster if you handle it poorly.

Feel free to follow the series as they are posted.

Matt Kaufman works for and with The Mullings Group. No denying that we are one of the premier global medical device executive search firms. Great to see the same names and faces reading these. Tell a friend. If you have any specific questions about giving notice please ask here or at my group The Recruiting Harbor.