The Five Stages of Divorce

Framing the Divorce Process for Clients: A High-Level Overview

By Matt Shaw

From marital breakdowns with complex emotions to financials disclosures, property distribution, and parenting allocation, we serve clients through every stage of divorce. Because clients retain us at various moments throughout their journey, it is crucial to meet them where they are and align them with the proper stage in the divorce framework. By doing so, the process becomes more manageable and less stressful, for both client and attorney.

Stage One of divorce is Marital Breakdown. The initiator may call and say, “we have been unhappy for years.” The non-initiator may call and, through tears, say, “My spouse is leaving. I didn’t see this coming.” Rather than generalize that people are crazy, and get all stressed out, try taking the medical professional approach of listening, diagnosing (by analogy only), and framing the client’s current state into the structure of the process. The client’s emotional state (whether initiator or non-initiator), among other factors, evoke a wide range of pleas and demands: I want this done today, I want out now, I’m being abandoned, I’ll be homeless, I’ll never see my kids again, etc. Simply identifying where the client is, informs us where to meet them, so we can lead them helpfully and productively.

Stage Two, the Information Stage, often begins with friends, family, and Google, sometimes well before the client ever speaks to you. The earliest stage of information can also be called the misinformation stage, where clients talk to the guy who got divorced 10 years ago in another county, for example. They quietly gather polluted misinformation, assure themselves where maybe they shouldn’t, and stir themselves up emotionally where an expert could have put fears to rest. This is a normal way people seek information, and clients swear they believe it, but a half hour of expert advice later can elicit an understanding with an “I hadn’t read about that. I thought we had to live separate and apart. I feel so much better now.”

Before unraveling the “legal things” they’ve heard (and think they know), it’s essential to delve facts, figures, and a history of what has occurred. After intake sheet basics, listen for underlying themes, and always watch for safety issues, as well as parenting or financial issues that may require urgent attention. Thereafter, explore: What was the status quo? Who controls it? Who is the lessor informed spouse? Where are the documents, or control of the documents?

Some folks try to divert immediately into mediation or collaboration, with mixed or incomplete results. But, Stage Three, the Legal Stage, begins when someone files something, such as Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, or a Petition for Order of Protection. Serving the papers starts the legal clock. Responses, Counter-Petitions and Petitions for Temporary or Injunctive Relief follow. The formal Information Stage (Stage Two) overlaps here, as proactive disclosure is required, probably followed by discovery. Assessment is crucial to the Legal Stage.

Stage Four is where all clients want to begin. The Legal Finale. Information, assessment and advocacy have led resolution-seeking. We propose an agreement or negotiate a resolution. My mediator training dictates that clients shall not consider mediation unless fully informed through this stage. Each party must be on equal ground (no abuse, no superior negotiating or controlling, which eliminates many marriages), and there must be absolute full, factual and financial disclosure.

Here’s a little talked about secret that the pros know. Because you’ve set this up correctly, there’s less conflict, less to disagree about, and less to compromise. ?The final touch is drafting, which is critically important. Does the agreement state in clear terms, legal terms, and enforceable terms, exactly what’s supposed to happen? Every word matters. Don’t use a form because you may have no idea how paragraph 26 inadvertently modifies or nullifies paragraph 4. As we teach in attorney training, don’t win the case and lose the order.

The Legal Stage may extend or re-engage. The preparation of a Support Order, Notice to Withhold, and Qualified Domestic Relations Order may be required. There may even be post-trial motions or an appeal. With time, a Petition to Modify (or to enforce) may be needed.

We may not see Stage Five, but it is so important to remember our clients are people with lives, and that they and their family will move forward. Stage Five, Post-Divorce, includes emotional relief and/or grief, which can vary in both order and magnitude for both the initiator and non-initiator. It is a time of personal re-assessment which comes in many iterations and ranges from the divorce diet, to the dating scene, or even a year of solitude and reflection. Some may decide to re-define, going back to school, or changing careers. Legally, clients may change beneficiaries on 401(k)’s and life insurance, and re-write the will and trust, perhaps designating a sister or brother as guardian for children. Statistically, it is likely that many will seek a long-term relationship. Life events and holidays cycle, and hopefully become healthy and stable. Clients may refer to new life as the new normal.

Being aware that clients will need guidance through the Five Stages of divorce allows an opportunity for you to present a valuable perspective and necessary framework to what otherwise can look and feel like a chaotic and turbulent ordeal. Focusing on the stage at hand can help the attorney be more effective, feel more satisfaction, and limit the nebulous stress that lessor engaged attorneys experience.

?Questions on the five stages of each stage, mentoring, or career moves???