Five: Speak Only When It Matters.

[Preface] Defining Decade author Dr. Meg Jay writes in her book that twenty somethings develop forward thinking capabilities between the ages of twenty-one and twenty-five. Before then, the frontal lobe of a human being’s brain has not yet fully formed. This means human beings do not possess consequential thinking abilities until they are in their late twenties. The irony of this, Dr. Jay writes, is that our twenties are part of the most critical decade of our lives. 

During this period of time, our actions form the foundation upon which we lead our lives. It influences our potential to thrive or fall into a cycle of mediocrity. Fortunately, even when we’ve moved past our twenties and entered our thirties, there is still time to make the critical lifestyle changes that shape our future. In this blog series, I wanted to reflect on my personal experiences and share some of the key life lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Stay tuned on Tuesdays and Thursdays over the next few weeks for these postings. Whether you’re a twenty, a thirty, or a forty-something, I hope these insights give you food for thought and a chance to live your best life.

Speak only when it matters.

Without integrity, what we say lacks substance. Without substance, we lose the ability to move others. One’s credibility is built on the simple understanding that everything you say is subject to interpretation. Other people’s attitudes, viewpoints, and biases come into play each time you express your thoughts. If you say much but resonate very little, those around you will dismiss what you have to say before you’ve even expressed your thoughts. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is reserve your opinions to yourself. This is especially true in times of conflict.

In Dale Carnegie’s Book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, he writes of a quote made directly to Benjamin Franklin in his youth by an old Quaker friend, in this quote he says: 

 “Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort would lead only to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.” 

Needless to say, Benjamin Franklin was wise enough to realize that this was true, so he made a complete 180 and immediately began to change his opinionated ways. Franklin went on to say “I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others … I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went more pleasantly.” 

This applies even on Facebook. It’s very easy to lose our grip on our emotions and allow ourselves the satisfaction of venting to the blue ocean audience that is social media. You may score yourself some likes and the instant gratification of seeing your discontent validated throughout the comments thread of your status post. But do not mistake the sympathy of a few as a metric of value for your opinion. You must not assume that all those in your presence are aligned with your line of thinking. No one values your opinion as much as you do. 

Whether we like it or not, every time we choose to express ourselves - we impact our audience for better or for worse. People are inherently poor communicators. Rather than addressing concerns about the integrity of your thoughts and feelings, they quietly change their attitudes and shift the way they approach you based on what they know about you. When this happens, their perception of your credibility changes drastically.

Of course there are times where you find yourself in a position where a myriad of variables try your patience and forces your hand. In these instances, speaking out may be the only way to give an issue the attention it deserves. When this happens, always put the desire to effect positive change above your instinct to tell people that they are wrong. Demonstrate respect for the other’s opinions by denying yourself the pleasure of contradicting their comments. Start demonstrating disagreement by observing scenarios where their opinion might be correct, then gradually inquire about scenarios where these beliefs may not necessarily line up. This approach inspires critical thinking in both parties that may invariably lead to an unexpected conclusion!

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Ten Life Lessons to Learn While You're Young - Past Lessons:

Lesson One:Borrowed money is borrowed time.

Lesson Two: Invest in the things that get you closer to your dreams.

Lesson Three: Surround yourself with doers.

Lesson Four: Don't Say No to Coffee.

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this article are of the author and do not reflect the opinions of the author's employer.