FIVE practices to transform your relationships - Part 2
Last week I started a 5-part series on the TOP 5 changes that have had the biggest impact on my relationships—both with my wife and others. These aren’t quick fixes or “one-and-done” solutions. They’re ongoing practices, ways of living that bring more depth, connection, and presence into life.
The beauty of these practices is that even when we forget them (as humans often do), we always have the chance to return, reconnect, and begin again.
Here’s my list of the TOP 5:
Let’s continue with the second change.
Change 2 - Being 100% Honest
“He had allowed his most shameful secret to be seen and had experienced love instead of the cotempt he expected.” (Susan Campbell)
Honesty has probably been the biggest challenge in my marriage so far. I used to be a notorious liar.
I grew up in a strict family where directness and full honesty weren’t welcome. Parents—like all of us—have triggers, and when they don’t know how to work with them, the easiest way to stop being triggered is to try to “control” their kids. Often through punishment, withdrawal of love, or other forms of pressure.
So I quickly learned that the best way to avoid punishment was to withhold my truth or simply lie about it. When I got away with it, it reinforced the habit. When I didn’t, I got punished, which only made me further hone it.
Over time, this strategy for “survival” became automatic. I started relating to myself as someone who lies all the time. I held back what I really thought, how I felt, what mattered to me, and what I didn’t want in my relationships.
We lie or withhold our truth because we want to be accepted and loved. But paradoxically, the more we do that, the less we give others a chance to truly accept us.
Then I met my wife. And these strategies that had once protected me started creating a lot of tension and conflict. We were getting more and more distant.
Even those who weren’t punished for telling the truth as children may still struggle with honesty. It can be hard to distinguish between what is truth and what is not (only appears as such).
So what is truth?
To me, truth is someting that absolutely cannot be argued about. It’s a clear statement of feeling, body sensation, or of what I actually did.
“You are so rude” or “You never listen to me” (my partner could easily argue about these)
VS.
“When you speak like that to me, I feel disrespected” or “I feel unheard in this moment” (my partner cannot argue about how I feel)
Being specific really helps me connect to my felt experience instead of my own interpretation of the situation.
Our Relationship With Honesty
Every choice we make—whether to speak up, stay silent, withhold, or share—reflects our relationship with honesty.
Do you see full honesty as something that creates safety? Or as something dangerous that can harm others or yourself?
Some of us have learned that full honesty leads to punishment. So to stay in control, we withhold the truth.
Others have learned that being fully honest provides control. If they know about everything, they feel more certain and safe.
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In both cases, our relationship with honesty actually reflects our underlying fears and our reaction to them. What are you afraid of?
Practicing 100% Honesty
Before we try to apply the practice of honesty, we first need to explore our relationship with it and get clear on our intentions.
It looks to me that love and honesty are inseparable. If honesty isn’t coming from love, it’s likely coming from our fear or ego.
One of my biggest fears I had around honesty was whether people would like the real me. Therefore learning to tell the full truth in my marriage and other relationships meant confronting and exposing the parts of me I wanted to hide—my doubts, my needs, my mistakes, my feelings.
It still feels terrifying at times. But when I remember that all we ever want is to feel loved and accepted, I continue practising showing the parts that need that love the most.
And my practice has been very messy.
At first I shifted from lying and withholding straight to “brutal honesty”. I started speaking my mind without filtering anything. But as people continuously shared my impact on them, I realized that without understanding and trust, brutal honesty is just brutality.
Being direct and honest can also be kind. It’s not just about saying what’s true for us—it’s about sharing truth in a way that nurtures relationships, deepens intimacy, and invites understanding.
Honesty isn’t about being right. It isn’t about control or just getting something off your chest. At its core, it is about love and connection.
The Gift Of Honesty
Honesty from love is vulnerable. It doesn’t seek to attack, control, or manipulate.
It’s about expressing what’s alive in us in a way that invites connection rather than shuts it down. When we speak from love, honesty becomes a gift rather than a weapon. It builds bridges rather than walls. It deepens relationships rather than damages them:
So why is this kind of honesty worth practising, even when it feels terrifying?
Being 100% honest doesn’t mean every conversation will be easy. It might bring up discomfort, difficult truths, or even conflict. But it also builds trust, depth, and true intimacy.
But when we commit to honesty from love, we create real connection.
I feel like this is the only way to build relationships that are truly alive—where both people are fully themselves, fully seen, and fully accepted.
Weekly Practice:
This week, practice paying attention to two things:
At the end of each day, take a moment to reflect on whether your honesty came from love or fear and how it impacted your relationships, both yours and others'.
And as always, share your insights, thoughts, or questions with me! I’d love to hear how this practice goes for you.
Weekly Questions: