FIVE OBSTACLES TO A COACHING CONVERSATION

FIVE OBSTACLES TO A COACHING CONVERSATION

By Qaiser Abbas

Pakistan’s Premium Success Coach

Coaching is helping people be the very best they can be. Coaching is not telling people what you think they should do. Coaching is about facilitating someone gain their own insights in a situation.

‘A Coach acts as accountability partner to empower clients choose and follow their success path, responsibly; to unleash their full potential’. - Qaiser Abbas

Coaching is a conversation. What differentiates this conversation from so many other conversations we run on a daily basis? One word. Impact.

An effective coaching conversation influences someone’s understanding, learning, behavior & progress.

How do we know whether or not it was a coaching conversation? Here are the signs of a coaching conversation:

1.   Focus of the conversation was the Coachee

2.   The Coachee experienced a change in thinking and actions

3.   The Coachee believes that without this conversation, they were unlikely to have that learning or change in their results.

How does a coaching conversation impact the Coachee?

A coach facilitates discussion that increases an individual’s awareness, insight and available choice in a situation. A coach believes in the ability of the individual to create ideas, decide for themselves, and move their situation forward.

The person being coached gains increased clarity regarding the situation or topic, which enables them to make progress in some way. In order to produce this impact, the coaches use the advanced skill of listening, questions and reflection to create a powerful experience for the coachee.

Based on my research with more than 200 Coaches in 10 countries; I have discovered five serious obstacles that drastically reduce the impact of a coaching conversation.

Obstacle # 01

FIXING MINDSET

As coaches, sometime we are so much overwhelmed with our desire to help the Coachee that we forget the basic principle of coaching; i.e. ‘Coachee is capable of solving their own problems’.

With this ‘fix it’ mind-set, we develop an eye for finding and fixing the problems only. We fail to see the infinite potential of the individual.

A coach with a fixing mentality develops an unfitting filter to listen only for problems. Distracted by their own thoughts and analysis, Coaches reduce their focus on the other person. They forget the fact that our solution may be inadequate or less relevant than those the coachee could build themselves given the time and support to do so. The Coachee can end up feeling frustrated or flawed or being a ‘problem case’. The person we are coaching becomes disengaged as it feels more like ‘training’ than purpose based enquiry.

The critical advice to the coaches here would be to ‘coach the person, not the issue’. As Coaches, when we try to solve their problem, we begin to strategize during the session on behalf of them. Also we tactfully lead the person through questions to an idea that we thought was right.

 Obstacle # 02

PROVING TO BE RIGHT

We as Coaches do get trapped by the pressure of expectations. Our clients expect us to act professional and business like, exhibit knowledge and experience, have all the answers and bring a significant impact in a conversation. They expect us to know just what to say. They expect us to have a happy, fulfilling life free of problems or conflicts. They want us to look good in the conversation and appearing infallible.

The problems with ‘proving to be right’ is that when a coach devotes effort to looking good in the conversation, it detracts from the quality of their attention and the effectiveness of their coaching.

When we try proving to be right our mind is focused too much on ourselves (how we are operating, not on the Coachee). We are not as open and honest as we might be. We forget the fact that when we are less open, we have less impact 

Obstacle # 03

MORE TALKING, LESS LISTENING

By talking less you can maintain a balance between keeping the conversation focused, and supporting its natural flow. Talking too much doesn’t allow the Coachee’s to fully explore their own ideas and thoughts. The Coach assumes a superior position and the relationship is more parental.

The best gift we you can give your coachee as a coach is the gift of silence.

Remember, knowledge speaks but wisdom listens

70-80% of the time, it should be the Coachee speaking, not the coach. Coach should learn to know when coachee is reflecting and thinking deep. This is the moment to provide time & space to the coachee to think. This will allow internal thought process to surface. Deeper thoughts & feeling take time to form therefore dialogue with the coach may distract the process.

My suggestion is that when Coachee pauses, don’t respond automatically. Use one or two moments of silence to deepen the conversation. Don’t interrupt the silence. Take a pause. Allow them to think, reflect and access their deepest thoughts, feelings and ideas.

Obstacle # 04

IN SEARCH OF AHA!

In Coaching Conversations, there come moments when ideas and insights begin to flow. The coachee finds out a perfect way forward. Problems are dissolved, blockages are cleared, the light dawns, sun comes out and everything falls in place.

In coaching we call it an ‘aha moment’. The buzz of the whole experience is quite uplifting. But beware, this can become addictive too. As coaches, we attempt to repeat this aha moment. We assume there is a great solution to every situation and try to find one in each session.

The truth is that these amazing moments are quite rare in coaching and they usually occur when we least expect them. Trying to produce fast amazing results can be distorting.

Obstacle # 05

‘THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME SITUATION’

This is the most dangerous coaching trap. A Coachee begins to talk and within few moments we figure out that this is exactly the same issue that you ‘fixed’ for someone in a recent coaching session.

Since some of the facts were similar, we assume ‘other aspects’ will also be the same. We think we recognized the situation. We jump to the conclusions thinking, ‘I got it’ or ‘I understand the situation’ or ‘I know what to do’.

Because of this flawed thinking, our orientation to the person or situation changes. We introduce the idea that benefited last person. Though, we are not fully confident about relevance we still push our client to go for our proven solution.

Coaches need to stay focused on the present reality. Going into past, impairs our quality of attention and listening. We fail to appreciate what Coachee is telling us.

Remember, no matter how familiar it feels, treat every new conversation as a new situation’ 

The best way to handle these obstacles is to shift your belief about the human potential. The spirit of coaching is based on human potential. Our effectiveness as coaches depends on our belief about human potential. To make our coaching conversations more impactful, we need to have a firm belief in the potential of the person we coach.

You need to believe that there is more in person waiting to be released. You must trust the fact that people possess more capability than they currently express. Once you believe in their capability to find their own path you withdraw from you desire to prove to be right or fixing their problems on their behalf.

Remember, coach is not a ‘sage on the stage’. Coaching is only a ‘guide on the side’.

SUMMARY: 5 COACHING OBSTACLES

1.   Fixing Mindset

2.   Proving to be right

3.   More talking, less listening

4.   In Search of Aha!

5.   ‘This is exactly the same situation’