The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace

For those that have read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you know the five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, tangible gifts and physical touch. How does this apply to the workplace though?

Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation is about expressing appreciation to another. In this case, in the workplace, this looks like:

• Sincere and authentic words of appreciation for the effort put into a task or project
• As specific as possible (rather than "I appreciated your efforts on the X project", instead "I appreciated how you worked late nights and evenings to get the X project across the finish line").

Quality time

Quality time, at least in a relationship, is about spending time with your partner, doing whatever it is they like to do. This could be, for example, watching TV together or reading together, or just going to a coffee shop and enjoying a cup of coffee.

At the workplace, perhaps you get the sense there are people who want to 'pick your brain' or get your advice. In those cases:

• Give them your undivided attention
• Have quality conversations: don't problem solve, don't interrupt, listen and acknowledge feelings and thoughts, observe their body language, and affirm their feelings even if you do not agree with their conclusions -> "Yes, I can see why the new rules for overtime are making you and others frustrated"

Note that quality time isn't necessarily about the person spending quality time with you, it could mean quality time with colleagues and peers. In those cases:

• Develop shared experiences where they can experience things with peers or colleagues: e.g., sharing meals, travelling together, volunteering, conferences, etc.
• Working with coworkers on a task

Acts of service

In a relationship, acts of service include things like doing chores, getting groceries, and taking care of the kids.

In a workplace, you can demonstrate appreciation to another by providing them with support or offering to help with a task. Some things to consider:

• Finish your job before helping others
• Ask if it is okay to help before you help
• Don't assume you know what help the other person needs (instead, ask)
• If you are going to help, do it their way
• Serve voluntarily
• Check your attitude (i.e., don't help if you are going to resent doing it)
• Complete what you start (don't offer to help and then abandon the task when it hasn't been completed)

Tangible gifts

Tangible gifts, in a relationship is about physical items. In the same way, at a workplace, it does not have to be just about money or large purchases, the best gifts are those that are relevant to the employee:

• Usually experience-related gifts are better than tangible gifts (sports tickets, gift cards to their favorite restaurants)
• Don't give company-branded items or generic gifts that everyone gets (there are situations where these are okay, but not when you want to truly show appreciation)

Physical touch

Before you think it's okay to touch another employee, physical touch tends to be the lowest appreciation language in a workplace from surveys and studies, in other words, it's very rare in the workplace where employees appreciate physical touch. Some things to note here:

• Some forms of physical touch are appropriate (but see below)
• What's appropriate is based on the recipient
• Observe if people like to express or celebrate through physical touch: hugs, handshakes, high fives, fist bumps, pats on the back or shoulder
• If in doubt, ask: "Are you okay if we high-five?"

Finally, a few last words about the languages of appreciation:

How can you tell what someone's appreciation language is?

• Notice how they respond to things like compliments, gifts and coffee chats. Do they tend to be happier or neutral with some things over others?
• Notice the words and actions they use when they are showing appreciation to others. It's not always that how they show appreciation is how they want to receive appreciation, but it can be a good hint.

Blind spots

Each of us has a preferred ranking of how we want to be appreciated at a workplace. Whatever language is your #5 becomes your blind spot. In other words, you do not recognize its impact on others because you do not see it impactful to you.

When you identify what someone's primary language is (and if it's not your primary language), the best thing to do is to ask. What does it mean for them to get a gift / get support / get quality time / etc.? How does it show them they are appreciated? Listen.

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