Five Keys to Breaking a Cycle of Conflict in Your Relationship
Sorrel Pindar
Entrepreneurs & professionals up-level your communication & relationship skills for connection, success and happiness | Works with boarding school alumni | Switch from conflict & anxiety to calm, confident relationships
There are only five things we do in relationships which make things worse. They're known as the Five Losing Strategies. And most of us only use two or three of those strategies. So why is it so difficult to stop?
Maybe it's because we don't see what we're doing. Or because we've not found another way. And even when we do see what we're doing and want to change it can feel so hard. In this post I talk about five things you can do which make it easier to stop using the five losing strategies.
I remember a day many years ago, after years and years of fighting, when my ex finally made the effort to be kind. And though I wanted to respond positively, I couldn't. I felt guilty, but I also justified my inability to respond on the grounds that I was caught up in a cycle that had persisted so long that I couldn't change my behaviour.
It was so easy to say "if only he'd agreed to couples therapy five years ago," and "he never listens when I point out that we've been caught up in this cycle and nothing's changed." And I blamed him for constantly blaming me.
I know it would have been hard work to make that change. But I also know that everyone is capable of change - or growth - unless they have dementia. And I'm not even sure that it makes much of a difference whether it's been two years of fighting or 20 years.
What I do know is that if you're caught up in a cycle, you might as well break that cycle now and enjoy the next 20 or 30 or 40 years. After all why wait?
So here are my five keys:
Let's take these in turn.
1. The Five Losing Strategies
The five losing strategies are:
Most of us opt for one or two of these strategies when we're under pressure, so it's helpful to know which ones are your favourites. You can take my quiz to find out which one is your default.
These are losing strategies because they create division and conflict rather than helping you to resolve your differences and move closer to your partner. Once you know which ones you tend to use you'll find it easier to change your behaviour. It's as simple as saying to yourself "OMG I was about to try and prove that I'm right, again!" Then you put the brakes on and choose another option.
Needing to be right. Terry Real, the couples therapist who identified the five losing strategies, has a favourite saying, "would you rather be right or be married?" In the long run if you insist on being right all the time, you may end up on the road to divorce.
Attempts at control can take many forms from trying to force your partner to do things they prefer not to (like eating healthy food or drinking less coffee), as well as badgering them to take the bins out or empty the dishwasher. Nobody likes being controlled and it's not actually possible to force anyone to do anything unless you threaten violence.
Unbridled self-expression is one of my favourites! It's the polar opposite of the British stiff upper lip. Instead of keeping everything in, you let everything out, regardless of how it will impact other people. And unbridled self-expression isn't limited to angry diatribes; it also includes what I call 'misery dumping'. No one has the right to dump all their misery on another person, and it certainly isn't relational!
Retaliation; goodness why would anyone think this is a good idea?!
Withdrawal is often the last resort when all else has failed. You've been unable to prove that you're right, you've not succeeded in getting your other half to do what you want, you've stormed and raged and then thrown their dirty laundry in the bin, and finally you storm out and tell them you have no intention of coming back.
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2. Practise Relational Mindfulness
This is your gateway to a more loving relationship. Love isn't just something we feel; it's something we do. When you practise relational mindfulness, you're keeping your relationship uppermost in your mind. It's a question of trading getting what you want (which is individualism) for doing what the relationship needs you to do.
This doesn't mean only doing what your partner wants. There will be times when giving your partner what they want is not good for the relationship. For instance saying yes to their being away from home all the time (business trips, golf, visiting their aging parents or whatever). Your relationship may need you to encourage more time spent together, as well as some time spent apart.
Relational mindfulness is an in-the-moment thing. Are you able to be aware moment-to-moment of the impact of your actions and your partner's actions on the health of your relationship? As you get better at this you'll start to notice the things which get in the way (such as your favourite losing strategy) and the things that bring you closer, such as turning towards your partner's bids for attention and listening without thinking about anything else.
3. Use the ABC Technique
As you start to practise relational mindfulness you'll become more aware of when you are about to launch into an angry outburst or an attempt at control. This awareness is the first stage of the ABC technique:
Achnowledge what you were about to do (and accept it - no judgement needed)
Breathe - when you stop and take a breath or two, you create a pause. Anything can happen now!
Choose - now you can choose what to do or say next (or do nothing at all and just listen.
4. Master Some Winning Strategies
There are a few simple things we can all learn to do.
5. Practise Compassion and Curiosity
Make maximum use of compassion and curiosity. Be curious about why you do what you do and about why your partner does what they do. And have compassion for yourself and for your partner.
Most of the time the 'bad' behaviours we engage in are adaptations we learned as children to keep ourselves safe. When you ask the question "what did I experience as a child that led me (or them) to behave like this?" you can have more compassion for yourself and recognise that when you do things which are not relational and not loving you're playing out a pattern which served you as a child. It just doesn't serve you now.
You can ask the same question about how your partner's childhood experiences led them to behave the way they do, and feel compassion towards them as well. When they aren't loving, their behaviour is as much a product of childhood experiences as yours is.
Conclusion
These are just five approaches, but they are pretty foundational. If you'd like to get a bit deeper into breaking out of a cycle of conflict, sign up for my online course, Unlocking Intimacy: Navigate Conflict & Nurture Lasting Connection. You may not get 100% free of conflict, but you'll learn how to manage it better, and in a more relational way. Because disagreements are inevitable; arguments are entirely optional.