The Five Deadly Fears

What are the most powerful of the basic emotions that you tend not to harness too effectively? (The basic emotions are joy, anger, fear, sadness). If you are like some of the people I coach, the two that you are least effective at harnessing are anger and fear.

Typically, we are pretty good at recognizing anger – we feel tense, our body temperature ends to rise – and if we are unable to channel the data behind the emotion (by answering ‘’what is this anger trying to tell me?’’ and take an appropriate course of action), we will often react in a less than helpful manner. Less than helpful for ourselves and less than helpful for the situation. But that’s enough about anger. I want to focus on the perhaps lesser explored basic emotion: fear.

I remember a coaching session a few years back (I was being coached), where my coach asked me what was holding me back from executing an idea I had. I have a lot of ideas, coupled with a very critical mind. You can guess what happens. ‘’I’ve had a great idea, but I know it won’t work for x, y, z reasons’’. I kill the idea before it even gets off the ground. What I hadn’t explored until this point was the ‘’why’’ behind this behaviour. I believed I was being rational. When my coach asked me what emotion was accompanying the decisions to not do something, my rational brain weighed in on the proceedings. ‘’I’m feeling reluctant to take the step because I don’t think its such a great idea after all and and and….’’.

It was fear.

So, I ask you. What is the fear that you most frequently feel that is holding you back?

I’m highlighting the five deadly fears. Do any of these seem familiar to you?

Fear of Success

Irrational as it may seem, some people hold themselves back from doing something because they fear the success it may bring. It is not the success itself that is so disconcerting to them, but the attention they might receive as a consequence of winning an award, or delivering a new prototype, or speaking at a conference. Some people abhor the limelight and will take significant steps to avoid it. It may help such people to look at this scenario in one of two ways.

‘’What are you worrying about, you’ll be lucky if it succeeds!’’ Imagine you are considering writing an article on LinkedIn or posting a blog or starting a YouTube channel to promote an app you developed. What are the chances that people will read it or view it, let alone ‘’buy’’ it? What is the likelihood of you being an overnight sensation – even Gangnam style took 158 days to reach 1 billion views on YouTube. And in that time, you will have ample opportunity to acclimatize to the demands of stardom.

The other perspective is, ‘’It’s selfish of you not to share this idea, product, perspective. What if people can benefit from this? Isn’t it your duty to share it for the good of humankind?”

Fear of Making the Wrong Decision

‘’What if I make the wrong decision?” have you ever said that to yourself and then decided not to make any decision?

Do you waste some amount of time worrying about what decision to make or whether you made the right decision?

Here are somethings that might help you overcome that fear.

Is this a one-door or a two-door decision? This is a concept I heard at Amazon. A one-door decision means that there is no way back. For these decisions, do your homework. Lay out the pros and cons, do the cost-benefit analysis, ensure you have the relevant information, consult others, and if possible map out future optional strategies, should factors change or results surprise. A two-door decision is one where you can take a corrective course of action, or retreat to your earlier position. For these decisions, action trumps analysis. Still, do your analysis, but move more swiftly, knowing course-correction is relatively simple.

Where is Your Focus? Are you spending mental energy in worrying? A lot of mental energy can be exhausted in worrying (‘’I’m not sure I did the right thing, what if it doesn’t meet targets, what if I don’t enjoy the new role…’’). How does worrying serve you? Alternatively, write down the things you are worrying about and apply your reasoning to work out answers or options – and for those things you can’t know, a plan B, C and D (alternative actions with a timeframe for taking them). When I catch myself in a mental loop of, ‘’What if this happens, or that happens…’’, I remind myself, ‘’Worrying is the most useless waste of energy, either do something about it or let it go.’’

Are you O.K.? This is something I learnt from Nithya Shanti, a wise young soul (www.nithyashanti.com). In this precise moment, if you are O.K., then every decision you have made until now has been the right decision, because it got you to this point of being perfectly fine. Some of you might point out that if you had taken a different decision, things could have been a whole lot better – but also remember that they could have been a whole lot worse.

Fear of Being Judged

‘’When I present my pitch, or speak up in a meeting, or share my analysis, what if people think it’s silly, or illogical, or too complex to understand?’’

Do you ever fear being judged? Do you fear being judged by a particular person, such as your boss or someone you admire, or in a particular situation, such as an all-hands meeting or when speaking to a group of complete strangers?

Here are a few things to think about:

As human beings, we are hard-wired to judge. We will always make judgements, because it tends to simplify our lives – and in the past, supported our survival. Just as you judge others, however hard you try not to, so they judge you.

If you are confident you have done the necessary prep, thought about how best to tailor your deliverable to the audience, and done some tests and trials to fine-tune it, then can you let this fear go? Can you welcome that judgement? Simply do whatever you can to create a favourable impression – then let the judging begin!

Many people I have worked with have a fear of speaking in front of a large group of people, and this could be in a meeting or when presenting to a large audience. Some coping mechanisms (beyond preparing and practicing what you plan to say in front of a constructively-minded audience) are to:

·        Imagine you are speaking to a lot of people one-on-one, so it’s a one-one-one conversation (except with many people)

·        Imagine everyone here is your friend – they are here to appreciate what you have to share and won’t even notice any missteps (or will overlook them if they do)

·        Smart as you are, you don’t know what’s going on for people in the audience. If you catch someone grimacing, it might be that they just bashed their shin against the table leg. Some people frown when they are concentrating…. Hard as it may be to conceive, it’s not always all about you.

·        And remember, you can’t always please all of the people all of the time.

Fear of Change

Though logically we all know nothing stays the same, most of us, at some stage and in some situations, have feared change. There may be reasons why we have feared a particular change more than others. As humans, we have a need for control – though the extent of that need to control varies from person to person.

What might be behind a fear of change?

I wasn’t consulted.

If you are the one deciding what changes will be made, you are far less likely to fear the change, than a person who has no prior knowledge of it. As well as a need for control, people also have a need to be included – if they aren’t included in the decision-making process, they may be prone to greater resistance. Not all change can be decided through wide-ranging consultation or by consensus, but once the decision has been made, time can be taken to explain, address concerns and communicate throughout the process.

What will I lose?

People typically fear loss more than they appreciate gain. If this change goes ahead, what am I going to lose – Status? Responsibility? Opportunity for Promotion? In any situation where change occurs, or where you want to make a change that will impact yourself, can you draw a ledger highlighting what you can lose and what can gain in this situation? Then qualify these points with ways in which you will mitigate or address the potential losses and achieve the upside. You may have noticed that I am asking you to write things down – that’s because the process of writing helps focus energy and alleviate worry.

What if I fail?

And before moving to the final deadly fear, consider the mindset around “what if I fail?”. It’s a valid question. If you answer that question by piling Doomsday scenario after Doomsday scenario one upon another, then you’re likely to weight yourself down with a limiting belief that you will fail. If you answer that question by outlining the plan, the expectations, the check-in points to address variances, the alternative courses of action – and the learnings along the way, then is it failure? More on this below.

Fear of Failure

I was working with a coach several years ago and he asked a question: Is there anything that you have ever failed at?

I thought for a while, and genuinely answered that yes, I had once failed a chemistry exam. He laughed as he thought I was being funny, but I was being very serious.

I viewed failure in strictly black and white terms. You either met the benchmark or achieved the defined results, or you failed.

Years later, we were choosing inspirational people and their quotes for murals on our office walls. The agency we were working with proposed Oprah Winfrey and her quote: I don’t believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.

With my critical mind in full-gear, I argued that of course it’s failure if you fail! All the same, we went ahead with a huge mural and every day I saw that quote. I resisted the meaning behind the quote the whole time I was with the organization, though I fully embraced the words of Sachin Tendulkar about passion for work and Steve Jobs and his vision of changing the world. Ironically, now, years later, Oprah’s quote is the only one I remember word for word. The meaning I take from it is to enjoy and learn from what you are doing, not focus so blindly on the goal that the actual experience passes you by and you judge the outcome in absolute terms. If you learn something along the way, then surely the effort was not a failure! (Or to quote Thomas Edison, ”I’ve not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.’’)

What is holding you back from taking the step you want to take?

Many people talk to me about becoming an entrepreneur, or moving into a different career, or becoming a more admired leader. If it’s a constant refrain of ‘’What if I fail?’’, then accept the fear and analyse what is behind it. There may be valid reasons that hold you back from taking that step (or leap) right now, such as financial constraints, or a current skills deficit, or contractual obligations. These constraints can be overcome with planning, application and determination.

What steps can you take today, tomorrow, and the day after that will move you in your desired direction? Fail small and fast - and keep moving. If you have a view of a different ‘’you’’ tomorrow, what do you need to do today, and what do you need not to do today, to get there?

Andrea Stone is an Executive Coach and Leadership Consultant. She has over 25 years’ global experience in leadership roles in the internet, mobile and IT industries and in leadership development, and over 20 years’ experience across Asia and Europe. She works with multi-national companies with a focus on fast-moving industries and tech organizations including Amazon, Google and Uber.

www.stone-leadership.com

Finally, Andrea also has a deep fondness for Hollywood movies of a bygone era and strong female leads, hence the choice of Joan Crawford in the picture above. Thank you RKO Pictures for many hours of joy and learning.