First Year Reflection

As of December 9th, 2019, I was officially separated from the United States Navy. Now that I am approaching a year on my first Veteran’s Day post separation, I feel contemplative on the major life change I embarked upon a year ago. There is abundant literature, both positive and negative about separation; overall, mine has been positive. I had the opportunity to do much of the legwork while I was in transition. I had a job lined up in Middletown, RI as a sub-contractor on the PCS contract. I had purchased a house in Norwich, CT on July 3rd of that year. I was engaged to my (now) wife and we were planning our wedding and honeymoon. We were supposed to have the ceremony at the Coast Guard Academy and honeymoon in Switzerland, Italy, and France. I began attending SNHU for my true passion, History. 2019 drew to a close, I spent it at Mohegan Sun Casino with potential, new friends, a full beard and a loving fiancée.

I made mistakes during this transition that taught me some valuable lessons. Some of you reading may have seen the first mistake I made in this transition: I was commuting from CT to my job in RI. I severely underestimated that commute, which could be as much as 3 hours roundtrip. I figured this would not be too difficult to weather. I witnessed my father do it for years in Colorado, commuting from Fort Collins to Denver. I downloaded some audiobooks and indulged my love of fantasy. As I have done often in my life, I dismissed the warnings of my father, father-in-law, mother, friends, and pretty much everyone else who warned of the effects on the health of my body, relationships, and vehicle. For those of you whom have never attempted a commute of this level, it can be debilitating. I would consistently find myself defeated upon my return to home, with little drive to leave or explore like I had in the past. I also found that it was difficult to make friends at my new job. This had little to do with my status as a veteran, as the defense industry is filled with veterans. No, it was due to my excessive commute. I was invited for drinks frequently after work but simply could not partake in the libations and drive home, shrugging off any legal qualms I had. Most importantly, it affected my relationship with my wife, who depended on me for much of her social interaction for the day, even before COVID inspired lockdowns.

This ended when I received an offer to work in Groton for my current employer SEACORP, in May of 2020. I am content in this position and my quality of life has improved dramatically. The lesson to be learned is to listen to others who have the experience. I fancy myself an intelligent man, and I always have sought advice. Oftentimes, I do what I think is best even after receiving the advice tp the contrary. I thought I was gambling on myself and my fortitude; instead, I proved their wisdom correct. This is something I have taken to heart and a fresh reminder that experience is the greatest teacher; but it is not necessary to experience the lesson that others have learned.

For those of you reading this considering a commute similar I have a bit of advice: do not attempt it. Move closer, find a different job, explore other options. The decision boils down to time and money. My 2005 Kia Sportage never broke down thankfully, but I was spending $40 dollars a month in tolls, and $240-$280 a month in gas for an approximate average of $300 in monthly transportation costs alone. Assuming I worked a five day work week, driving for 2.5 hours minimum each work day, on a weekly basis I was losing 12.5 hours to transportation. During the 30 weeks I commuted, I spent 375 of my most precious assets (time) in driving. That is the equivalent to 15.625 days! If I had continued doing that, on a yearly basis, I would’ve spent a little over 27 days commuting. This would be akin to devoting most of the month of February to driving.

Why didn’t I move closer? This is part of the overall conversation of why I chose Eastern CT as my place to live. I flew into Groton, CT in February 2015, in the middle of a blizzard. I fell in love with the area. I always wanted to visit New England, having an ideal vision based on the poetry of Robert Frost. Groton did not disappoint. My wife lived in Ledyard she and, attended Three Rivers Community College, and had a job as an aide for a State Senator. For myself, there are jobs aplenty and I had some roots in the area myself. This is perhaps the most important decision I made and the one I question the most to find that it was and still is the correct move. Initially I desired going to Europe. Then I considered moving back to Colorado. I considered applying at Portsmouth Naval Shipyard in Kittery, ME. Before I had met my wife, I was deadset on living in Europe. How did I chose Groton then?

I created criteria based on employment, school, benefits, appeal, and later, my wife’s opinion of those places, that I recommend to anyone considering separation at their EAOS:

One year, six months prior to EAOS: I had more than ten locations, ranging from Groton to Germany, that I was doing research simultaneously on.

One year prior to EAOS: I had done enough research to choose five locations to focus on. I discounted Europe as unfeasible for a variety of reasons. That left me CO, ME, VA, WV, and CT.

Nine-months prior to EAOS: I did more intensive research into the reality of moving to those locations, then I narrowed it down further to three: Kittery, ME, Southern Virginia, and Southeastern CT. It was a difficult decision to discount my hometown, but there were no real ties left there for me beyond sentimental memories. I applied to jobs in all three locations.

Six-months prior to EAOS: I received multiple job offers quickly. I committed to Groton, CT and looked at buying or renting a house. I choose to buy a home using a VA loan, which was a stressful but rewarding process. I had applied to SNHU and projected to start my first semester in January.

We chose CT for scoring exceedingly well in all of those areas, my wife's job and my appeal to the area chief among them. We had roots in the area, stable job prospects, and schooling at UCONN and community colleges are free to veterans who were discharged honorably, medically, or administratively. I am still looking at pursuing higher education beyond what my G.I. Bill will provide, and CT's veteran tuition waiver will assist me in achieving those goals. There are discounts available for veterans in property taxes. I love the outdoors. There is plenty of fishing, hiking, and kayaking to be found. We are close to international travel from Boston. It was ideal. More importantly, it was the right decision for my wife. Her job, family, and friends were located here. We have questioned that decision many times, (often when we see the property and income taxes,) but inevitably come back to the same conclusion. This is the right place for us, right now. We ended up doubling down on that decision, buying another house in Groton, and turning our first property into a rental property.

Financially, we are well off. Without getting into figures, I saved a good portion of the money I made in my career. The money that was in my TSP remains there. Due to the beauty of the VA Home Loan, I did not spend much money in buying my home. We are far from wealthy, but we live wonderfully comfortable lives in a frugal fashion. I was an E4 without BAH when I got out, meaning that when I started my new career I received an immediate substantial raise (yes even after taxes, insurance, and retirement contributions.) The $850 a month I receive in BAH from the GI Bill goes to my wife for her education, also at SNHU. I wrestled with this next one and it may prove controversial to announce. I made the decision to file a VA disability claim. Some may find this reprehensible; in TGPS however I found convincing arguments you will either also hear or have heard that convinced me to be honest in my response to see what I was rated. When I receive that payment, I pretend it does not exist by transferring it immediately into my savings. That money can disappear in the future, however unlikely, and I do not depend on it. I recommend all use it to subsidize their savings. It is a benefit that you may choose to partake, I recommend making the claim.

The biggest challenge was adjusting socially. Like many of my fellow service members, I had a large circle of friends I could depend on for anything. Every weekend we were out partying, hiking, traveling, or standing duty. Some of my best memories include my barracks Christmas in 2017 or the trip I took to Europe with one of my boat friends in 2018. I am a bit of an extreme example; my boat transferred to Pearl Harbor my last month in. Everyone I considered close friends no longer lived in Groton. This adjustment was also felt by my best friend in the service, John A. Agostini, who had separated a year before me and moved to Wilmington, North Carolina, a place he knew no one and had been to once or twice prior to. There were many days where I wished I could go back to that lifestyle. It is a vastly different experience clubbing and barhopping in Portsmouth, NH with only my wife and seeing none of my shipmates. It feels strange-- empty.

I found friends through work and my wife. That is one disadvantage of online college, but I was not terribly keen on meeting students younger and less experienced than myself regardless. The character of my friendships changed, and I adapted to that. My wife has been my best friend since I met her, and that bond has strengthened. This is a symptom of the overall trend in my life; a young man searching for himself to one who has some experience but is still seeking more. From a dating man living in the barracks with a roommate to a married man with a mortgage. All veterans miss their shipmates, battle companions, and the bond that permeates the military experience. I still keep in contact with old shipmates. Inevitably some of them returned to the Groton area and we have reconnected on various levels, but having a large group willing to do things is sorely missed.

The trend I spoke of is a transition in identity that none are prepared to face and I wasn't until I had already crossed the Rubicon. I was 20 years old when I joined; I was now 25 with accomplishments under my belt. The Navy gave me a code and several identities. I was a sailor. A Fire Control Technician. A FTOW. A Seamen. A Petty Officer. A Qualified Submariner. I earned those in five long years, working for the first time in my life a job I could be proud of, and feeling achievement and accomplishments. All of that disappears, and for me and many other veterans, much of my identity rested in these monikers. Five years is a long time, but it is only a part of my life. The most important lesson I’ve learned in my brief time separated: my accomplishments, achievements and my career are a part of my identity; however, they are not the sole determining factors of my identity. These may not even adequately define my social identity. There are multiple layers of identity that you may not be aware of. On an individual level I am a multitude that is not adequately defined by a few limited words. Defining and creating our identity is more than finding these traits.

In this period of transition, evaluate who you are and what you believe in. Don’t just do it then, rather do it as frequently as possible. Ideas, traits, and careers are like relationships. Have an open mind and a large group of acquaintances. Be familiar with all of them adding new ones as you go, building your network. Pick the ones that work and make them friends, brining them closer. Then pick the ones that seem to work well. Date them, see if they’re worth a damn in practice. Be committed; but be able to abandon the ones that are toxic. Always seek to improve them but remember they cannot be changed fundamentally. When you find the right one, you’ll know it in your heart and mind.

Speaking of careers, like many other veterans, I work in the defense industry. Many may disagree, but I found that moving back to my former home of Fort Collins, CO, would have been an error on my part. None of my family still lives there and many of my friends left. The city has changed dramatically since my departure. I could have gone to college at CSU, but I would not have been able to secure as great of a career in Fort Collins. Believe it or not, there is not a huge demand for Submarine Fire Control Technicians in Colorado… at least none that I am privy to. This choice to continue my career drove the final three choices of places to move. Some veterans get out and swear they will never work in the industry, (my younger brother and aforementioned friend in Wilmington among them.) I found being employed in the defense industry aided my transition by providing a familiar outlet. It was the job I had grown to enjoy and take pride in without the added stress that the Navy provided. It pays well, and oftentimes has benefits on par or better than what I grew accustomed to in the service. Many of my new co-workers are be veterans themselves and understood what I was dealing with. They’ll impart the knowledge they’ve gained and be supportive of your transition. Even if you hate your current job, I recommend finding a job in the defense industry and go to college until you get a degree and then find a new career.

2020 has been a year of transition for all of us. I have regrets, as will anyone else getting out. My wedding in May, I celebrated with a much smaller group than I had hoped with most of my friends not showing up or even contacting me. This was supposed to be my year of travel with my wife… clearly that did not happen. I have taken the heart of this lesson, don’t wait to do the things we enjoy. Because of my mistakes, I’ve grown as a man in this timeframe. I do not regret my decision to leave the service nor do I wish to go back. My time in the military was a roller coaster; but now my life is one of stability and devotion to my wife. I intend to re-visit this each year on Veteran’s day, to reflect upon my time and appreciate the doors that were opened by it.