The First Steps to Being a Better Ally (to Everyone)

Regardless of your gender, ethnicity, preferences, beliefs or other challenges, many of us feel confused, afraid or overwhelmed — we want to do the right thing, but often don’t know how to be an ally to our peers, friends and family.

A few years ago, I was leading a team meeting and I used the word “crazy” to describe a work-related situation. I honestly don’t remember the specifics of the discussion, however afterwards, an employee reached out to me to share his concerns about some of the language I had used during the discussion. He thoughtfully explained that he has experienced mental health issues and that it can be hard for him when people use words like “crazy” due to his personal history.

I was caught off-guard, and my initial thoughts were defensive and insensitive. After all, as a gay man with a female business partner, we had intentionally built a company designed to be inclusive, equitable and supportive to all. “All” being the key word here and I was now being called out for falling short on our promise. In the moment, I thought this whole conversation was absurd, but after some self-reflection, I had three revelations that guide me to this day:

1. It was incredibly brave of this person to share this with me; his intent was not to criticize but to help educate me
2. Whether I agree or not, it is not for me to say how someone should feel about something
3. If something as small as trying to not use a specific word can make a positive impact on someone’s life — then it’s probably worth it

Said more simply, there are three basic things we can all do to better support our colleagues across the spectrum of gender, ethnicity, preferences, etc.

1. Listen
2. Recognize
3. Adjust

Listen

Whenever someone shares something that could leave them vulnerable to judgement, ridicule or retribution, we must appreciate and acknowledge both the bravery and potential risk they are willing to take on in order to share their concerns. The problem is we all sometimes struggle to truly listen — especially when confronted with our potential shortcomings. However good our intentions may be, this is a situation where our actions in the moment are the only thing that ultimately matters. In this case, listening is the critical first step and until one can master listening, meaningful change is almost impossible.

The act of listening is an act of empathy that opens one to someone else’s experiences. By opening yourself up to other’s experiences, though you may never be able to fully appreciate their concerns or challenges, you will open yourself to the possibility that the same situation can be viewed through very different lenses depending on your own unique circumstances. Most critically, this is almost never about making one feel guilty or bad, which is a natural human response to when our views are challenged. It is about expanding our understanding that what may be true for one person, may not be true for another, or what would be no big deal to you might be a big deal to someone else. These simple realizations are the first step in building a bridge towards positive change.

]Recognize

Listening may be the hard part, but almost as challenging is recognizing or acknowledging how our choices may have impacted someone else; as well as accepting change may be required of us. Most of us strive to be supportive of others, but many of us can fall critically short of enacting meaningful change because we limit ourselves to our own experiences. If you’re affluent, you may not fully appreciate the everyday challenges of poverty. If you are within the racial majority in your area, you may not fully understand what it means to be visibly different from those around you. If you fit within traditional gender roles, it may be hard to empathize with those who do not. There are endless ways we are all unique, yet we often struggle to recognize those differences in others whether visible, stated or implied.

More importantly, acknowledging someone’s perspective or experience does not mean that you will automatically understand or accept it. However, what people often get wrong is you don’t have to agree to acknowledge. All you have to do is accept there are people different from you with unique experiences and needs — and that their values and needs however different, are equally valid. Human nature is not our friend here because when confronted, we will instinctually try to defend ourselves, often resulting in minimizing or discounting someone else’s feelings, needs, beliefs or experiences. More often than not, many feel dismissed or invisible because their needs do not align to another’s perspective or preferences, which serves no one well. It is simply not for us to say how someone should feel but to listen to why they feel that way. All everyone wants is to be first heard, followed by acknowledged and then hopefully accommodated.

Adjust

As noted in the introduction, many of us want to be supportive but find ourselves unsure or unaware on how to best demonstrate our support, concerned we might make a mistake or are simply overwhelmed by the complexity of the situation. Many of these issues facing the workplace and society as a whole are extremely challenging; especially when the laws don’t align with societal trends, beliefs, or evolving attitudes. Whether being actively supportive of equality in the workplace, striving to create equitable opportunities, or simply making room for everyone to safely exist, it sometimes feels like the actions of one person will not matter. The biggest mistake of all is not appreciating that small gestures of understanding do make a difference and may even lead to greater change.

As with all complex and sensitive situations, educating yourself is important. However, even without a thorough understanding of a particular situation, asking what you can do now to help will often provide all the insight you need to address the immediate issue at hand. Whether using different words, adjusting a company policy, enforcing existing guidelines or simply validating their value — all can be powerful ways we can adjust and make a positive impact.

Listening and recognizing are two critical steps, but at the end of the day, it’s our actions that matter most. I could have easily said, “Sure, I’ll try to not use the word crazy anymore,” and later wrote the whole conversation off — but I didn’t. Once I realized how small this request really was, it was a simple modification to how I framed certain conversations or situations. The end result was creating a better workplace that was more sensitive, respectful and productive for not just the employee, but likely the whole team. Have I used the word “crazy” since? Yes — but I am far more cognizant about when I use it and correct myself when I slip up.

We have the power to not only protect our values, interests and needs, but support those different from our own. I highly encourage you to not only check-in with those around you, but to ask how you can help them? What are their challenges? What can you do to better support them so they can thrive whether at work or at home? Once you do, following these three steps will prove to be a great starting point to being a better ally to everyone. And, who knows, they might also learn how to better value and support you in the process.