The First Step to Understanding

The first step to understanding is knowing someone’s story. 

A number of years ago I sat across the dinner table from a dearly loved friend. Racially, we were different, but that rarely ever crossed my mind because we had shared experiences that connected our hearts. We were different in other ways also and on this particular night, right before a major election, I decided, because of this great love for my friend, I wanted to understand her point-of-view better.

I simply asked her about her “why?” For the most part, our conversations usually focused on our points of agreement rather than disagreement and she was surprised. It took me several tries to convince her that I really wanted to understand.

Finally, she told me her story from the time she was a little girl and how her experiences had shaped her beliefs. Her experiences were unlike my own. My heart broke as I listened to the challenges she navigated to be the successful and remarkable woman she had become. Then, she listened to my story.

The discussion that night did not change my vote, nor hers. However, because I understood her “why” and she understood mine, our relationship grew as did our collective influence. She was not only my friend, but I was her boss. It took tremendous courage to tell me her story. She took risks, but it paid off because she influenced a decision-maker. That night, she moved me from curiosity to advocacy. Together, we impacted the future of others, not because either of us gave up our differences, but because we celebrated them and worked together to provide opportunity for others and helped create an environment where everyone could flourish.

If you don’t know what to say or do, listen, seek to understand and then be willing  to collaborate on the way forward. I am always learning and have a long way to go, but the first step is to listen to someone’s story. In the story, you find the “why” and once you understand why, the path forward becomes more clear.