First set and respect your boundaries

There are typically four life situations here. A friend wants to go to a party and asks you for company. You want to say no, but you decide to go. An acquaintance wants to spend more time with you on a coffee date. You want to say no, and you do that by explaining personal reasons. Your colleague asks for a favor at work, you want to help but you are overburdened and therefore, you say no. Your sister asks for some help with household chores, you want to say no here too, but then you go ahead for your sister’s sake.

In all the above cases, there was the need to be assertive, but our behavior changed according to the person we dealt with. The fact is many times we want to say ‘No’, but when it comes to close relationships, boundaries turn unclear. You want to do it, but you can’t do it. There is no rulebook for learning to apply personal boundaries. It’s important to understand is that boundaries are an internal job.

You can’t learn it as a course and apply it as per the set of rules and regulations. It changes. And the work starts only when you start working on yourself. And as you continue doing the inner healing work, it shows organically in the behavior and choices. It becomes easier to understand the needs and apply the limitations. Working on yourself is a long journey, and know that if you have started walking on the road, your hard work will pay off. Sooner or later.

Setting boundaries’ is not always ‘saying No’. It’s far more than that. Understand your insecurities and acknowledge them, rather than trying to change them. “I do not want you to mock me on my appearance, it triggers me. Thank you for understanding” Accepting your emotional quotients and not being ashamed of it. “You can be honest with me. But I can’t guarantee if I will react the way you want me to. How I perceive is on me”

Owning up to what you cannot handle. “I can’t do this with you, I am not equipped to handle the consequences. I do not know how to bring things back to control if they spiral out”. Not letting people walk all over you. “You cannot take me for granted this way all the time and get away with it. Please know that I cannot allow this to happen time and again”. Not being a people pleaser. “Hey, I really like you but the way you have been treating me lately is not something I am okay with. Do you want to talk about it?”

It also, of course, involves saying ‘No’ when and if you don’t feel like it. No to a party because you are tired. No to have sex after a tiring day. No to hear about your partners’ ex all the time. No to picking up calls if you don’t feel like it. Treat people exactly in the way you would like them to treat you. You also need to know your values. What is right and wrong for you. One other thing you need to be completely aware of is your emotions and the way you react to others when they trigger certain kinds of emotions.

For example, my skin has been breaking out a lot lately. I have a habit out of insecurity, of picking at the spots and it’s made my skin red and inflamed and quite frankly, the spots worse. I made a promise to myself a week ago that I would not touch my face anymore, except for washing it. My Mum decided to tell me the other night “your skin looks terrible! You really need to stop picking at it, you’re making it worse and it looks gross!” while wearing a face of disgust.

That upset me. Yes, she was right, but it wasn’t something I needed to hear. How was that supposed to help me? I told her “That’s not helpful and it’s not the right way to help me. You’re just going to amplify my insecurity which will make me want to pick at it more. If you want to help, when you notice an improvement - tell me. Or just gently encourage me not to pick at my face if you see me do it.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, it was just meant to deter you from doing it.” She replied. I explained to her that picking at my spots, which are my insecurities, was a way of releasing anxiety about them. I know it made them worse, but I felt better on the inside. She believed I was angry with her when I established that boundary, but I told her, “If we want our relationship to work - we have to be open and honest and teach each other how to love and work with each other. If you do something I don’t like, I’m going to tell you and I’m not going to feel bad about it. It’ll be said, I’ll wait for a change - no apologies needed from either of us and we move on. I expect the same from you.”

This is how I frame all of my boundary setting. I’ve only really began implementing them in the last six months and there are less family disagreements. We feel free to tell each other exactly what we want and expect from each other and when we hurt each others feelings, we will find a way to fix it. We have begun supporting each other and communicating effectively.

I encourage everybody I know to create boundaries. My Mum is often all give, no take. She rakes in the highest numbers in her factory work, despite the fact that she’s incredibly ill with adrenal insufficiency, fibromyalgia, conns syndrome, Addison's disease and a number of other things. She doesn’t know how to say ‘no’ to anybody. Especially not her children. She is an avid people pleaser. She’s been taken advantage of emotionally for years.

She would never spend money on herself. She felt bad about having any time for herself, or doing something for her own pleasure or making her own decisions. She wouldn’t stand up for herself, but when it came to her kids, she was and is a fierce lioness. She often allows herself to be burned out, used and dictated to. I’ve had to be quite forceful with her. For example, she likes ‘whacky’ kinds of clothing.

At Christmas, Mum, my sisters and I went into a shop that had a beautiful patchwork inspired multicoloured coat. It sounds ugly, but it was absolutely perfect and colourful. She went back to it four times, adoringly gazing at it. I told her to try it on. My sisters mocked her and told her it was ‘disgusting’ and they ‘would never go out with her wearing that!’ I stood quietly, and told my Dad about it later and told him how much she loved it and that she looked gorgeous in it. He gave me the money and asked me to go and get it for her for Christmas.

The girls once again laughed, and repeated their jokes and remarks. I said loudly “Mum, you look fucking gorgeous in it. Wear it as often as you want! I’ll come out with you wearing it. Hell, I’d love to wear it myself!” My sisters shut their mouths. Nothing was said about it again, and my Mum has worn it as often as she pleases and every time, she looks stunning. She still has an insecurity about expressing herself through her colourful clothing. She knows what to expect every time - mockery from her daughters. It requires noticing when she see’s something that fits her style and being able to notice that hint of insecurity and bursting that wall down.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it.”

“Well then, buy it for yourself.”

“No, the girls wont like it.”

“But you do. So come on, let’s go get it.”

If she refuses then, guess what? I’ll buy it for her my damn self.

Another thing, is her lack of ability to say ‘no’. This frustrates the hell out of me. With her being so ill, she’s tired all the time. Chronic fatigue cripples her, and she often looks and is physically exhausted. Despite being on daily steroids, she still only weighs 45kg. It’s easy to forget that she’s ill, though, because of everything she achieves.

It’s like she’s indestructible and so she set a standard for herself that told everybody else “I’m available whenever you need me and I will do anything for you.” When people ask for something from her, she will give it. Whether that’s time, money, physical effort (like helping decorate, clean up), looking after the kids; you name it, she gives it. She would bleed herself dry just to know somebody else is comfortable and happy. People expect a lot from her because she is so clear cut. Cheers!