The first relationship in a second language

Do you have an ‘English parent’? Our identity is shaped through some language that we learn from birth - we call it our mother tongue. And obviously mothers (as well as other primary caregivers) have a lot to do with who we become. So it got me thinking - to what extent does a new language add to the existing identity and what is the role of a person that we acquire this language from??

In my case this person was my mother’s friend - the first mentor in my life. Our lessons started when I was 10 (lucky me) - she was my first English tutor, but also so much more than that. In 3-4 years, all of our communication transitioned to English, and she became my guide in experiencing the world and myself in this language. I kept seeing her regularly till the end of my high school. So it was a long-term relationship in which she ‘reflected’ me and gave me feedback consistently.?

That might sound trivial - all our caregivers, teachers, tutors model our behavior. Help us navigate social norms, learn what appropriate and what’s not, how we are allowed to express ourselves. Parents are usually the crucial figures in this modeling process. And, as far as my understanding of psychology goes, most of our relationships with people later on in life are at least to some extent shaped by transferences from those first 2-3 main caregivers. Well, more like our internalized figures of them. Our parents, the real people, change. But the internal mother and father are often frozen in time, which makes it that much harder to change the way we react and interact.

So what I’m getting at is that those first most influential relationships are built in our mother tongue and, therefore, shape our reaction patterns in our mother tongue. But what happens when a person learns to think in a new language by building a new relationship in it? Is the mechanism of transferring the existing communication patterns the same? Is there more flexibility there? Are we any closer to a blank slate when developing the understanding of self in a new language??

In my experience, there are 2 major stages of communicating in a second language. The first one is just translating whatever thoughts we have in our mother tongue and trying to express them as they are. Which means the same identity, same personality facet - albeit a more awkward version of it. But that only provides a very limited capacity to self-express. Many things are lost in translation. Many things are incomplete in their level of detail and intensity.

The next stage - which might not happen for years - is switching to thinking in a different language. As adults, we usually start progressing in this direction through reception first: reading, hearing, watching others interact (in books, songs, movies). This is how we can partly incorporate another culture into our perspective on the world. Our cognitive, maybe even emotional understanding of it. But the next step - acting it out - is really tricky, it is a different matter entirely.

I have repeatedly caught myself biting my tongue in the middle of a conversation with a native speaker because I didn’t know whether what I was going to say was actually ‘appropriate’ or not, authentic or not. I heard it in a similar context, yes, but I don’t know how people are going to react to me saying that here and now. Is this me or not? What is me??

In our mother tongue this process of learning and adjusting happens naturally in early childhood, that’s how the basis for our personality is shaped. But when we are self-conscious adults, this moment when we have someone to react (or not) to what we say for the first time can be scary. It also might feel somewhat decisive - how you present yourself to the world, who you claim to be.?

I mean, that’s not always an easy question to answer in our mother tongue either. I suspect that on many occasions many of us just reproduce our familial patterns of reactions, the heritage that we carry on. Changing those patterns and becoming a more differentiated and authentic person takes years of conscious efforts.?

There is even more uncertainty there when communicating in a second language, learned in later years. When there are no ‘patterns’ or ‘rules’ for what I usually say in situation X. Translating what we say in our mother tongue is how we start. That is a great moment to analyze our typical default reactions, by the way - as it’s easier to bring them into awareness while our analytical part is activated in the translation process. But once translating is substituted by thinking ‘new’ thoughts, where are they coming from? Who do we adopt them from??

Of course, not everything is about some specific language. Languages overlap a lot, there are words in all of them for some universal biological processes, for describing the ways we interact with the environment. But there are undeniable cultural differences conveyed through language.?

The most prominent thing that I can remember about my English lessons (memory is a tricky thing though, it tends to adjust the past to serve the present) - I felt emotionally safe. More assertive in expressing my opinion. More aware of myself and my needs. Because I was less merged with others. It’s like I had some space to breathe. Conversations with my tutor were probably the first occasion in my life when I considered the idea of putting myself first as something healthy rather than immorally selfish. Obviously, she had created that safe space, and became a good role model. But it would be very interesting to explore if the way I felt and thought had also something to do with the language we used to communicate.?

If you have any similar experiences with someone (a teacher, friend, colleague, partner, etc.) - please share your observations is comments?? And if you’ve come across any research related to this topic, I would greatly appreciate reading suggestions!?