First is the question, “WHAT?”

On the first article of “When cry-babies stop crying!”, I requested that as we go through this journey together, you would allow me to be your accountability partner and to have you as mine. On that note, “Hey partner! How are you doing today?” I hope you gave yourself an overdose of kindness this week.

Take a moment with me, to think of the toddlers in your life. What are some of the “cry-baby” attributes that they show daily? I bet you came up with one or two of the following:

a)???Throwing tantrums

b)???Blaming others

c)????Complaining

d)???Coming up with endless excuses

e)???Incessant crying

I am sure you can even throw a few more attributes in there. The truth however is, when our kids show these attributes so much to the point of us feeling frustrated, there’s a part of us that naturally gets it. They are kids and we understand that they are still growing, exploring, and learning. We understand that as we continue to help them navigate this life, by nurturing them and teaching them, they will eventually out-grow this cry baby stage of their lives.

On that same note, have you in your adult life, met some grown-ups who seem to be stuck in the cry-baby stage. Only now, because they are adults, they are no longer crybabies but victims of the victim syndrome or as commonly known, “the victim mentality”. I for one can say, I once met one of those victims of the victim syndrome and that person was me.

In his article published in the Science Direct Journal, titled “Are you a victim of the victim syndrome?”, Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries said that; “People suffering from the victim syndrome, have an extremely fatalistic outlook on life. Because they believe they have no control over the way events unfold, they have a poor sense of responsibility. Every negative outcome in their life is attributed to people or circumstances beyond their control. Every effort made to help them, or to present a solution to their predicament, is met by a huge arsenal of reasons why it will not work, some of them quite ingenious. Their problems are apparently unique and therefore insoluble. They appear always to be trying to prove their helper wrong. Anyone prepared to help them is left with a sense of utter frustration.”

When I read this paragraph by Mr Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries, I couldn’t help but think about the person that I was before I read “The Slight Edge Principle” by Jeff Olson, in December 2019. I remember constantly feeling powerless and wishing there was a way for me to opt out of life, because I didn’t perceive even a little bit of worth in myself. I was depressed and had severe social anxiety for all the 4 years of my tertiary studies and more. My most consistent thought during that period was that; life is unkind, and I no longer wanted to be a part of it. I was so walled in as a person, that no one in my family or even my friends knew what was going on with me.

I was miserable and kept that misery locked up in me, except on the outside I showed up as this un-approachable, sad, and frustrated young woman. I had a harsh and negative self-concept, perceiving myself, year in, year out as, STUPID, DUMB, UGLY, USELESS, A DISAPPOINTMENT, you name it. I considered committing suicide on multiple occasions but even then, I couldn’t ask for help or tell anyone, because I thought so low of myself that I didn’t even think I deserved help.

The victim mentality for me, is not just about being someone who is always complaining, making excuses, starting drama, or blaming others. Its also about perceiving yourself as being allergic to life itself. At least that’s how it was for me. I was so tired of being stuck in this repetitive cycle of wanting to not be alive anymore, until I read that one statement in “The Slight Edge Principle.” When Jeff Olson said, “You are the rescue team you have been waiting for!” That statement really stuck with me going forward and it would serve as a catalyzer for my slow and steady recovery from the victim syndrome.

Its important to note that no one is born with a victim syndrome disposition. No one wakes up and consciously decides to have a negative outlook in life. The truth is that we are a product of both nature and nurture. When answering the question, “Where does the victim mindset come from?” Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries said, “Character development is always an outcome of the interface between nature and nurture. Within the context of our genetic matrix, our personality evolves through developmental processes. Much of what creates a victim mindset finds its foundation within the family of origin. Victimhood, however, is not the natural state of things. It is taught. If bad things happen to people while they grow up, they will have a pessimistic outlook on life. Depending on their own sense of victimhood, parents can either create a supportive, trustful environment for their children, or do exactly the opposite and perpetuate a bad situation.”

How childhood traumas contribute to the way we show up and carry ourselves as adults, not forgetting the lens through which we view ourselves and the world we live in, is a whole entire conversation on its own. I however do not want to make it the focal point of this article. Instead, I want to acknowledge that, the victim mindset in all its manifestations; the complaining, making excuses, shifting blame, avoiding responsibility, throwing pity parties, over-dramatizing challenges and so on, is the highest form of Self – Sabotage. I say this because, as soon as you assume victimhood, you are forfeiting your personal power. The very personal power you need, to effect positive change in your life.

Personally, I know that my life did not change a bit until the day I started showing up with the knowledge that I am fully responsible for my own life. As someone who was down bad with the victim syndrome for a very long time, I will be the first to admit that learning self-accountability as a habit, is not as easy as it may seem. Its not just a matter of snapping out of it. I however know that the first step to learning self-accountability, is self-awareness. It is only the parts of yourself you are aware of, that you can transform.

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You cannot defeat an enemy you do not admit exists.

Michael T. Flynn

What is it that’s stealing your personal power? Do you complain a lot? Do you make a lot of excuses as to why your life is the way it is? Do you think that people are out to get you? Do you think that life is against you? Is everything you are dealing with, everybody’s fault except yours? Are you of the view that the problems you are facing are permanent and nothing will ever change? What is it that’s making you feel powerless? Take a moment with your pen and paper. Reflect on your life by asking yourself these questions and more. First, we ask the question “WHAT?”

In the next article, we will ask the question WHY? and map a way towards reclaiming our personal power by learning self-accountability as a habit and lifestyle.

Till next time partner! ?

Remember, YOU ARE THE RESCUE TEAM YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!”????

#selfaccountability #selfawareness #personalpower #selfdevelopment #personalgrowth