First Love: Career Edition

There are millions of articles and rom-coms and seminars about how to get over your first love. For example, you can burn all the love letters in a ceremonial fire. You can quickly find a new love to make you forget; you can even get a new haircut. (who dis?)

But what about the first job you really loved? How do you get over the one that got away???In order to understand my perspective, I need to tell you my story. When I say I fell hard for my first love, that’s an understatement. I mean, the career equivalent of googly eyes, sketching initials in notebooks, imagining our wedding day—I was all in. So much so that at one point, my then-boss told me I was too excited about my career, too enamoured with my role.?I was taken aback. Wasn’t that the whole point?

Aren't we taught that this is what employers dream of in an employee??

For the first time in my life, I felt validated, admired, and smart. My ideas and energy were welcomed, and my quirky approach to work and career was rewarded. I was part of the cool club, the insiders, I had work friends that became life friends, and I looked forward to Mondays when I would relish the “how was your weekend chat?”

Why am I so passionate about work? I am your typical confident extrovert who can be riddled with haunting anxiety and self-doubt. A powerhouse role can make you feel unstoppable and untouchable. I have always taken so much pride in my work:? from my launch and subsequent demise of “the curly-haired girls club” in 3rd grade, followed by the launch of the “stuck on stickers” door-to-the-door sales team. This blind faith and enthusiasm in everything I do would continue into my career. The difference is as you get older, you realize that business decisions are not always fair and more often than not, companies are less concerned with you as a person and more focused on the coveted bottom line.?

My bosses’ feedback has haunted me for years. It reminds me of when I dated guys, and they thought I was too much, too clingy, too into it. I guess jobs and men liked it better when I played hard to get.?

Back to the story…

As we know, your first love isn’t always your best love, but it’s something that conjures up feelings, emotions and memories.? For me, that’s exactly what my first love was. It was the “16 candles- Jake Ryan” of careers, it was something and someone I’ve been watching for a long time and only dreamed would want to date me.

I was too invested. I get it. Bear in mind I was young and naive at the time. I was in love with the idea of the job. That love affair ended, and I was heartbroken.

So, when you leave a relationship, you learn from it, and you realize you’re in too deep, but what’s the worst thing that can happen after your heart is broken?

You go back, and that’s exactly what I did. I went back to a new exciting role with hopes of “I have changed” and “Things will be different now” Cue the honeymoon period.

In my defence, I went back stronger, with more experience and confidence, and I promised myself? I would not let the same thing happen again. I would not fall hard, and I would not fall fast.

That’s the problem with first loves. There’s absolutely no logic to how you act. You just go all in, and you really believe in your core; it’s all going to work out.

What happens if it doesn’t all work out?

What happens if you’re heartbroken and the place and the team that you called your family are no longer yours?

There are a lot of ideas and tips and tricks on how to get over your marriage or a bad breakup, but nobody really talks about how you get over your first love in the career sense.

There are a couple of stages:

Denial: First you tell yourself you weren’t that into him and you were going to break up with him anyways and you don’t care. Not one little bit.

Next, you mourn, you overthink all the things you talked about:t the upcoming launches, trade shows and oh-so-sexy M & A. These milestones, far from romantic become the honeymoon, the holidays and the couple mash-up names of the career world.

Then comes the social media stalking.

In relationships, it’s in the form of Facebook and Instagram.?

You want to see who they moved on with. You want to see what that person looks like; you want to see how happy they seem without you. Or better yet. Miserable.

On the career side, this happens on LinkedIn. Not quite as scandalous.

You read about updates and awards and exclaim, “I don’t get it! How is this possible? How are they moving on and being successful without me? Logically, it is really quite odd, but when you are in it, you lose the sense of what normal is.

We are all given all the pep talks and typical answers from people in the industry.

“It’s just business.”

“You’ll find something better.”

“One door closes...”

This has precisely the same effect as after being dumped, someone saying?

“You deserve better.”

“We never liked him that much anyway.”

“You should be grateful to the universe because breaking up with him means that you’re ready to find your number one true love.”

When you have just been dumped, you don’t feel grateful, and when you’ve just been let go, you don’t think about the next opportunities.

On the relationship side, people say have some wine, go out dancing, and have a fling.

On the work side, this isn’t always a luxury because the very next day, at your lowest point, you’re expected to go out there and start interviewing. Again, it’s really like dating. You have interviews where you feel the chemistry and a connection, and then the recruiter ghosts you. At least with dating, you can get a free meal out of it.

When you’re feeling super insecure, that’s when you’re supposed to go out and talk about how great you are and how capable you are. Like dating, like life, sometimes, you need to put on a brave face and go back out there.

My advice to people coming out of tough breakups (career or otherwise) is it's ok to feel vulnerable; it’s ok to feel sad, hurt, and angry. Feel those things but remember you have already given so much to this relationship, don’t allow yourself to give anymore.

The reality is your career is a huge part of your life. Often at the detriment of your family, your marriage and your long-lost gym routine.? When you are in it, you feel like you are part of something, and by comparison, when you are out of it you feel like you are peering in through a window and seeing everyone else having their best (work-life) ever. You gloss over the stress, the politics and the workload.

When I mentioned this article to some friends, they could instantly relate:

“oh my goodness, my first career love was company X; it’s hard to see them at conferences or in awkward lobby run-ins,” The bar run-in is the equivalent of being on an elevator with your ex-colleague. You have 45 seconds to show them how great you are doing, how happy you are and how amazing your new work friends are.

Every new role you go into, you say, I will not fall that hard, I will come in at 75% of my max, and I won’t fall in love again.

After many years I realized this isn’t the right approach. The final stage is acceptance.

In love and in your career, what is the point if you aren’t all in? Yes, there is the potential to get hurt again, be broken up with, and be left behind, but what if it was amazing and this is the love of your life? What if you could feel all those feelings reciprocated, and it was a beautiful role, one where you flourish and grow and learn and teach?

Don’t get me wrong; it’s scary to be vulnerable. It took me a long time to get over my first love. It took me a long time to remember the real story and realize it wasn’t the perfect relationship.

How did I do it? I gave myself the time to mourn the loss, I let myself feel all the feelings then I moved on. I also looked within to what was happening in my life at the time surprise, surprise, there were personal things I needed to work through. It’s easier to focus on work vs. having to do the real internal, reflective work.

Do I have those moments where I get caught up in it all again.? Hell yeah, but I also realize that that breakup already broke me once; by continually giving it space in my head, it continues to win.

I will say this.

I got smarter, tougher, and more confident, and I learned to respect myself more.

Spoiler alert: I have allowed myself to fall in love again, but this time it was on my terms. I came in more aware of the reality; this is a two-way street. I will continue to be passionate about work, bring enthusiasm and ideate until I land on the perfect plan.

The difference is now I expect all of those things in return.

I now value myself more in my career, and I know that I deserve to be respected and valued,?

Here is my advice...this is what I would tell anyone who was going through a #careerdivorce: allow yourself to love again but put yourself first, advocate for yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel anything less than amazing.

No date, no person, no job, nothing in this world has the right to do that.