The first Insight
(Portuguese version below)

The first Insight

I don't have time.

I'm too tired.

I can hardly breathe.

All I want to do is throw myself on the sofa and watch Netflix.

I've heard these phrases countless times - including from myself, especially after becoming a mother for the second time. It seemed impossible to reconcile work, motherhood, social life and hobbies when I could barely keep my daughters' (and my own) clothes clean.?

So I started to spiral into feeling sorry for myself. In my mind, I was just a victim of life's circumstances, and I started blaming others for my misery. Especially my husband. I hated it when he went out to play basketball in the middle of the week, or stayed late after work to have a beer with his colleagues. Instead of creating my own opportunities, I chose the easier and more comfortable path of resenting others for creating theirs.?

My own bitterness frightened me and made me struggle to recognize myself. That was when I realized that I needed to create my own opportunities, so that I could bring more balance to my life and become a better human being for myself and for everyone around me.?

It took many conversations with my husband, a redistribution of household tasks and childcare, financial investment in our support network (in the form of a babysitter and cleaner) and restructuring my calendar. There were many mornings of waking before sunrise to squeeze that workout in before work, long days to meet that friend for lunch and extra minutes in the evening to finally start the book that had been sitting by my bed for months.?

Juggling so many balls took a lot of discipline, organization and planning. And even with all this, a ball would still drop and I would have to accept it and find another solution: for a child who is ill and can't go to school, a babysitter who has an unforeseen event and has to cancel, or a meeting that runs late and messes up your whole routine. It's a constant challenge to keep all the balls in the air.

But in the end, it worked. I’d found the elements I needed to bring harmony to my life, and my daughters were still alive (even if the plants weren't). I felt good about myself and proud to have moved on from feeling like a victim, to instead proactively making space in my life for the things that were important to me.

My big shock came when we moved to a new country at the beginning of this year. I suddenly found myself without two of the elements that were crucial to my balance: friends and sports. Without knowing anyone in our new city, and without my sports community, I found myself without a social life.

And do you know what happened?

I gained time. Unexpectedly, I started to breathe between one thing and another. I realized that I didn't have to rush from one appointment to the next, but that I could take my time walking and even stop for a coffee. I realized that there was beauty in not having a busy schedule, but rather having space to be more spontaneous, to simply do nothing or observe my surroundings.?

I realized that what I had always carried with the greatest pride - my ability to create time for activities - was also adding stress to my life. A stress I had never been able to see because I was so enchanted by my own idea of balance. It wasn't just the physical stress of running around, but also (perhaps mainly) the mental load.

Two things became clear to me as I went through this realization:?

1) I wanted to have more of that space between things.??

2) I didn't want to give up time with my family, friends or doing sport.?

So the only part of the equation left to reduce was work. And how do you leave a job that you love? A job that pays you well and that has amazing colleagues?

The answer came in my second insight...


O primeiro sinal

“Eu n?o tenho tempo.”?

“Estou muito cansada.”?

“Mal consigo respirar.”?

“Tudo que eu quero é me jogar no sofá e assistir Netflix.”?

Eu já ouvi essas frases (inclusive de mim mesma) inúmeras vezes. Principalmente depois de me tornar m?e pela segunda vez. Parecia impossível conciliar trabalho, maternidade, vida social e algum hobby qualquer quando eu mal conseguia manter as roupas das minhas filhas (e as minhas) limpas.?

Ent?o, eu comecei a entrar naquela espiral de sentir pena de mim mesma. Na minha cabe?a eu era apenas uma vítima das circunstancias da vida. O que veio a seguir foi come?ar culpar os outros pela minha miséria, principalmente meu marido. Que ódio que eu ficava quando ele saía para ir jogar basquete no meio da semana a noite, ou ficava até mais tarde no trabalho para tomar uma cerveja com os colegas. Ao invés de também criar as minhas oportunidades, optei pelo caminho mais fácil e c?modo de acusar os outros de estarem criando as suas.?

Tanta amargura me assustou e comecei a n?o me reconhecer mais. Entendi ent?o que eu precisava criar essas oportunidades para que eu pudesse trazer mais equilíbrio a minha vida e me tornar um ser humano melhor para mim mesma e para todos ao meu redor.?

Foi preciso muitas conversas com meu marido, redistribui??o das tarefas de casa/filhos, um investimento financeiro numa rede de apoio (babysitter e faxineira) e uma reestrutura??o do meu calendário. Foram muitas manh?s antes do sol nascer para conseguir fazer aquela ginástica antes do trabalho, dias alongados para encontrar aquele amigo para almo?ar e minutos extras à noite para ler aquele capítulo do livro de cabeceira que já estava lá há meses.?

Para manter tantas bolas no ar como uma verdadeira malabarista tive que ter muita disciplina, organiza??o e planejamento. E, muitas vezes, mesmo com tudo isso, ter que aceitar e encontrar outra solu??o para o inesperado: uma crian?a que está doente e n?o pode ir para escola, uma babysitter que tem um imprevisto e n?o pode ficar com as crian?as ou uma reuni?o que vai até mais tarde e bagun?a toda sua rotina. é uma constante programa??o e coordena??o para manter todas as bolas no ar.

Mas no final das contas, funcionou . Os elementos que me traziam equilíbrio estavam novamente presentes na minha vida e minhas filhas continuavam vivas (já as plantas n?o). Eu estava de bem comigo mesma e passei a me sentir orgulhosa de ter saído da posi??o de vítima e criado espa?o na minha vida para as coisas que eram importantes para mim.

Meu grande choque veio quando alguns elementos dessa minha equa??o de harmonia desapareceram da minha vida. Ao nos mudarmos para um novo país no início deste ano, de repente, me vi sem dois importantes componentes desse equilíbrio: amigos e esportes. Sem conhecer ninguém na cidade nova que tínhamos chegado, e sem minha comunidade esportiva, me vi sem vida social. E sabe o que aconteceu?

Eu ganhei tempo. Inesperadamente eu passei a respirar entre uma coisa e outra. Percebi que n?o precisava correr de um compromisso para o outro, mas que podia andar e até parar para tomar um café. Que havia beleza em n?o ter a agenda lotada de compromissos, mas sim ter espa?o para ser mais espontaneo, ou simplesmente n?o se fazer nada ou observar ao redor.?

Me dei conta que aquilo que eu sempre carreguei com o maior orgulho (criar tempo para atividades) estava também adicionando estresse na minha vida. Um estresse que eu nunca conseguira ver por estar t?o encantada pela minha própria ideia de equilíbrio. N?o era apenas o estresse físico de correr de um lado para o outro mas também (e talvez principalmente a carga mental.

Duas coisas ficaram claras para mim ao passar por essa percep??o:?

1) eu queria mais daquele espa?o entre as coisas??

2) eu n?o queria abrir m?o do tempo com minha família, amigos ou esporte.?

Aí, o que sobrou para reduzir da equa??o foi o trabalho. E como se sai de um trabalho que você adora, te paga bem e com colegas incríveis? A resposta veio no meu segundo insight…


So great you're writing again, Carol! Love the way your texts resemble an unpretentious chat between friends, yet are so deep and meaningful! Looking forward to reading about your second insight

Thank you for this, Caro. You are leading a charge - whether you understand it as "authenticity", "balance", "mid-life crisis" ;), or "the journey", you bring grace, levity, insight, and inspiration into your posts. I'm proud to call you my friend and excited to witness the next steps and seasons in your exploration.

Chiara Salvia

Independent Language Service Provider

8 个月

Eager to read more, I feel you and see myself still constanrly juggling to keep all in balance and feeling so sorry when I can’t catch a ball that falls to the ground… There is so much need for pure contemplation of life and I feel so sorry for myself when I surrender to the idea that quality of life is a luxury item I can’t afford

Inspiring! I love it!

Banafshe Hejazi

Learning & Development - Impactful Teams * Culture Reforms & Org Change Development * DEIA-integration * Ever-Learning Organizations

8 个月

It’s amazing (and equally annoying) that it’s so comfortable to be numb and unsatisfied, and rationalizing why you can’t take the necessary steps to move your life to a different direction. Thank you for sharing this Caroline d′Essen

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