The first day of High School

Parents often struggle when they go to high school for the second time in their lives. As a teenager, they had their share of struggles, as most do, but now as parents they face a new set of obstacles. I will present solutions to this long-standing challenge and highlight why I believe that the symbiotic relationship between parents and school personnel is perhaps the most important bond in a young person’s life.

Elementary schools welcome parents to many exhibits, performances and fun days and parents develop a sense of belonging with the school and the personnel which aids in the psychological development and reassurance of their child. The young child searching for identity, self-esteem and belonging then arrives at high school as a more mature, somewhat independent and confident pre-teen and the parents’ role changes… forever. This is perhaps the most difficult aspect for a parent to accept.

One of my favourite traditions is to greet new families to the school on the first day and every year I witness this heart-wrenching separation.

Here is the scene: parents park the car and ensure that 12 year old Joey has all the necessary materials for the day. Joey confidently exits the car and as the family approaches the school, he is a half step ahead of his parents. The parents are glowing with pride and looking at Joey as if, in one instant he is two years old and a moment later he is ten years older and two feet taller. Joey walks up to me, extends his arm to shake hands and says hello. I ask a few questions about his summer activities and he runs off to see a familiar classmate from elementary school. Then, I greet the parents. They are nervous, have multiple questions about Joey’s first day, first week, first trip and the first year. Clearly, they are not ready for high school! They quickly accost their child and insist on taking a multitude of photographs to immortalize this significant day. Joey smiles but is mortified with all the public attention. I hear another boy say: “Mom please don’t touch my hair” and so it begins.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I see Joey disappear through the front doors as his parents are sharing recent photographs with another couple. The parents become aware of the unexpected disappearance of their child and a deep sense of panic ensues as they absorb the feeling of sudden loss. Joey has crossed the threshold into his new life and is already excited about the next 5 years. Welcome to high school!

What can be done to manage this inevitable situation?

My recommendations to parents and schools are the following:

1. Schools should be aware of this reality and be sensitive to the fact that parents will go through this situation, despite their best efforts to hold on to their past relationship.
2. Schools must focus on the transition to high school by offering opportunities for the children to get excited about their future experiences but also for the parents to better understand how their child will learn, how parents can best support their child socially and academically, what the school will offer their child, what the school expects of parents, how parents can be involved in the school in meaningful ways and what the communication channels are. Students are looking for experiences while parents are searching for answers.
3. Schools should provide new parents with a parent ambassador who they can call upon when needed.
4. Schools must communicate effectively with parents with regards to all aspects of their child’s experience (academics, arts, athletics, student life...etc).
5. Schools today, more than ever, need to be sensitive to and caring for the social and emotional well-being of their students.
6. Schools and parents need to work in tandem to explore, understand and educate youth with regards to the positive and negative impacts of social media and the importance of managing their digital footprint.
7. Parents must be realistic of what schools can provide in terms of an education outside of the curriculum. Schools are partners in raising good, well-prepared and responsible citizens; however, they do not have sole responsibility for the development of these core values.
8. Parents must remember that their child needs parents, not more friends. Discipline is difficult but essential. Hard conversations about tough topics are part of the job description. Allowing your child to fail in order to better experience success is also part of growing up. An entire generation of “helicopter” parents have made it increasingly difficult to parent properly, but there is still hope. I have met countless parents who understand what their children need from them and that is what they are providing.

Why do I believe that a strong relationship between parents and the school is essential?

Firstly, the most important people in a child’s life are family, teachers and friends. A child spends over 1,200 hours per academic year in school: learning, playing, exploring, discovering and flourishing. During that same time period, a child will spend approximately 1,600 hours awake at home. When both of these worlds are coordinated and streamlined it makes a child’s life more harmonious. Secondly, a child’s mental health is aided by a positive experience both at home and at school. If similar messaging and expectations are communicated to the child then they are better equipped to respond to what is being asked of them. Finally, any tension between home and school is undoubtedly passed on to the child who is forced to carry that burden and manage grown-up conflicts.

Being a teenager is hard enough without having to deal with tension between their home life and their school life.

For the well-being of the children, it is imperative that schools and parents make a concerted effort to nurture their relationships. It begins with having an open mind to understand and accept the issues and work together, communicate effectively, be supportive and realistic of what can be expected of teachers, parents and the children.