Fireside Chat by the Gaslight - A Personal Reflection on “High-Functioning” Autistic Burnout

Preface: Why Talk About It?

Making my diagnosis public may seem strange. To some, it’s even offensive. I know so, because they’ve told me directly.

The merging of Asperger’s into the Autism diagnostic category of the DSM-5 is perhaps not well understood - and so some people feel they can decide what’s “autistic enough”.

I suppose if people think of it in terms of “he's a bit on the spectrum”, this automatic minimisation occurs: many of us not only seem to be doing OK, we're doing pretty well.

But we hide our differences, you don't get to see the challenges. And when you hear about those challenges, they might even sound a little, well, ordinary - just issues everybody faces. Something we should just "get over"…

This “double empathy” problem is a common challenge for us in being understood.

So, I am finding my voice - as a professional comfortable about talking about neurodivergent challenges, without having to be an “expert”. This helps my re-navigating the workplace - to improve my own self-management and expectations as well as to be a better colleague for others facing neurodivergent issues.

Specifically, I’m sharing my experiences so that the issues are better understood, and that maybe at a peer level, readers might more reflexively shut down neuro-directed negativity. To create more supportive environments for neurodivergents, the same way we would in the face of homophobic, racial, or gendered discrimination.

And if this article helps even one other person navigate a tough situation, then that’s enough. Perhaps it might offer hope, or it might switch on a light for someone experiencing similar issues, perhaps even without understanding their root causes. I certainly didn’t know.

It also marks closure, having made peace with the confusion and challenges that created the most difficult years of my life.

“You’re Not Autistic”

I’m diagnosed “high functioning/low support needs” (L1): someone who has held senior executive roles requiring social skills and high academic and corporate accomplishment. It doesn’t fit the “autistic” stereotype (diagnostically L2/L3), which is perhaps unconsciously set by many as the bar to being "allowed" to use the term.

Yet the same people will acknowledge high profile “Aspies” like Eminem, David Byrne, Elon Musk, etc… and there’s an expectation of matching the “superpowers” stereotype, and also a sense that it isn't a big deal.

So What Does “Autistic” Mean for Me?

Pre diet changes (I'll come to that), I would take 2-5 meetings to learn someone's name/face. It's called prosopagnosia, and that's not a fancy name for lazy. It might be connected to my aphantasia, which means I can't visualize things. I can't see the art I'm trying to make. I can't easily retain song structures or sheet music in my head. But I do have other ways of storing and manipulating data. I can't see people's faces in my head, so I remember their movements, expressions, mannerisms.

Hyperlexic, I taught myself to read aged 2, I read paragraphs the way most people read words, but I process certain types of verbal information slowly - instructions like navigation directions are impossible.

Learning complex movements (eg jujitsu) takes multiple repetitions over days, because in addition to sequence retention issues, I have difficulty visualising body movement and struggle with interoception of limb sensations and location.

I have various stims, like leg/foot jiggling, teeth clenching, facial and verbal expressions, although I often suppress these. My posture tends to be uneven - mostly from stress stims which make me tense whole body parts.

My affective empathy is a bit off-the-chart - I have a tendency to respond strongly when I see/hear/anticipate distress - often to the point of what is a visible/audible stim response. So, I get a lot of odd looks for overreacting, or behaving a little strange.

I tend towards verbose when the conversation intersects with a “special interest” - in a work context, this will typically be something technical, or principles. I may miss important cues that it’s time to move on… although I’ve trained myself to run regular checks. Whilst I may love precision, not everyone wants the detail.

I struggle with social. I rehearse conversations before they happen. I study my participant lists ahead of meetings to avoid awkwardness. They still feel awkward, even if you can’t tell. I really dislike unscheduled calls - it makes me jump out of my skin to receive one. I struggle with getting the right balance of eye contact.

In any interaction, I'm trying to listen to you and sift through all the background noise (imagine everything is at volume 10) and process your expressions and body language plus those of everyone around, and I'm also trying to manually work out what's implied, what's a joke, why something is being shared explicitly, whether I'm responding appropriately, whether my body language and expressions are giving the right message. There can be perceptible delays - impatient people are cross or dismissive.

Oddly, I find it much easier to function in non-English speaking countries because the delay comes across as the typical translation gap of non-native speakers. But the truth is, that gap is the same whether we're speaking English, Spanish or Chinese.

I will ruminate and play back interactions post-social - sometimes weeks or months.

Masking is Hard Work - Especially Now

What you don’t see is the effort. I’ve always been a hard worker - it was drilled in and it’s a discipline I will always have. Although I didn’t understand the root cause for my feeling “different”, I was always aware of it and constantly researched how to “be better” - business strategy, psychology, self-help - driven to fill those apparent gaps. So if you couldn’t tell, that was because I really didn’t want you to know, and I was applying rules I learned in books and articles to be more effective…

Pushing those boundaries now can be exhausting. For example, earlier in the year, I prepared and hosted a lunch for 18 people for a "society" event, and I was a wreck for days afterwards - in a daze, losing track of time. My physical coordination was worse, and I had random moments of extreme emotion, even crying for no apparent reason. I played back moments from the event constantly. To sleep, I needed to take anti-anxiety medication and melatonin. Many of my sensory traits were heightened, making it difficult to relax or recover.

Luckily, it’s not always like that, and it’s been getting better. But it’s been very common over the last couple of years as I’ve tried to interpret what’s been happening.

Autistic People DON’T Lack Empathy

In contrast to the stereotype of us being robots with zero empathy, many autists report being hyper-sensitive to other people, to the point they are overwhelmed by the volume of information they need to process, and can reflect that experience with displays like slow processing (taking "too long" to respond), dissociation (going blank), or losing facial expressivity.

It’s something which for me increases significantly when I’m anxious or lacking confidence.

That said, it isn’t uncommon for autists to have lower cognitive empathy (understanding how others might feel), and higher affective empathy (having a heightened response to seeing/hearing a situation). In other words, the way we experience empathy is different to neurotypical people. That is very true for me, but I’ve always recognised at some level that I needed to work harder on that front, “making up” for it by consciously mapping relationships and personal drivers to help me relate. I also slam on my own brakes when I know I need to watch out for displays which might be interpreted as rude or insensitive.

That can be a challenge when I find directness kind, and withholding expectations rude (ie leaving them unstated and expecting me to guess).

Since my diagnosis, I’ve recognised that my strategy of just inferring what I would think/feel onto others is not effective: and it’s been very helpful to develop a broader (for me, constructed) theory of mind. That’s not automatic for me - I have to develop it manually and do it in a very conscious way - but understanding this has been extremely helpful.

I’m not a robot, but I am actively having to assemble a puzzle where I don’t know what the end picture looks like.

So, these days, I’m making fewer assumptions about the frameworks behind individual reasoning, and I'm less judgemental about perspectives.

Bullying & the Autistic Experience

Being bullied is a familiar space. It has been a part of my experience as long as I can remember, and I can see it coming a mile off, a familiar twitch in facial expression - micro-negativities which alert me to thin slice judgements being made.

In the workplace, I didn't mind the very direct feedback experienced with “stern” managers - even if their delivery was hard, at least they were clear, and ultimately we were working towards the company’s goals. Having grown up in a patriarchal home and schooled at a conservative all-boys school, I was used to the regular “just get on with it” bully. At least you knew where you stood - and that delivering to expectation was the goal.

It wasn’t personal.

But it wasn't until I encountered a different type of workplace bullying that things became more difficult to navigate…

Gaslighting is Diabolical - Especially for Autistic People

Being bullied surreptitiously by a friendly face is a destructive experience for any person, but it’s really tough for someone “on the spectrum”. The big issue for autists is that the implicit stuff is difficult to read, so you tend to jump to the conclusion that it’s you, not them. After all, many of us are already running an internal negative narrative which prompts constant self-correction.

You may even find that those close to you reinforce that perspective by minimising what you’re going through. You might express your concerns to people in your support network, and they'll suggest it's not a big deal.

We are easy pickings. That target is painted across our backs, and frankly I would prefer to have been physically beaten.

My bully had a restrictive definition of “success”, based on a small number of wins he’d had in a limited market (he’d never been overseas, he proudly declared). He had a restrictive model of characteristics which defined a “high performer”. His strategy for our products was poorly developed and made it impossible to apply to most of my overseas territory. My attempts to adapt my team’s approach were something I shared openly with executives, but it exposed these weaknesses, and on reflection, I suppose this was why he needed to destroy my confidence and create failure scenarios which brought out my most self destructive tendencies.

In one-on-ones, he was my “best buddy”, but someone who just “couldn’t work out” what I could do to improve. As I grew frustrated, I would ask him for help, only to be told that I needed to work it out myself, there were no answers. He would wear a red t-shirt to these meetings with the slogan “socialism distancing” (I was open about being on the left of politics), or he’d fidget, or just shut off his camera.

My confidence (which had taken years to build in opposition to a constant feeling of imposter phenomenon) took a nose dive.

It transpired that the reports I’d been preparing for executive briefings (he'd insisted I build them from scratch, refusing to provide examples from peers) actually existed and should have been provided by our sales logistics team. But I’d been presenting mine for months, and he was always the primary critic, attacking the numbers and assumptions. If I managed to get a pre-call briefing to review them, he’d do it last minute, and withhold his primary concerns for the main call.

After months of this, I’d lost my way, and had started therapy to work out why I was struggling. It wasn’t until I began to describe what was happening with this manager that my psychologist actually said “that’s gaslighting”.

“No”, I thought, “Why would my manager do that? He’s my friend. He tells me how much he admires me every call”.

Slowly, it dawned on me that he’d been lying.

The Idealist

Now, if you’re reading this as a neurotypical person, this might sound funny, or maybe even a little sad. But as an autistic person, I have what many might view as a na?ve perspective - managers are there to help you succeed, the company mission statement and values are holy writ, everyone is pulling towards a common goal. If we uncover a problem in the business, everyone will be happy to course correct so we can make things work.

Apparently, that’s not the case…

I managed to change roles with the support of other colleagues, and subsequently raised an “unofficial” complaint via the HR team. I didn’t have the confidence to make it more - after all, when I listed all of the issues, it was just a case of him being a bit manipulative… and surely the onus was on me to just get over it.

After all, the HR team were constantly sending out messages like “Be resilient”.

I felt nothing but guilt for my inability to move on…

Apart from an acknowledgment that some behaviours were inappropriate by the manager, little action was taken, and I was drowning. In my new role, a senior sales leader compounded the bullying by refusing to acknowledge any further sales wins in which I was involved - despite the “no retaliation” policy. This happened with a critical win that I managed to bring in before leaving, determined to demonstrate (mostly to myself) that I still had value.

Over time, I’ve come to accept that situation and guess at what logic guided it, but it was very difficult to navigate. The omission at a senior level made it feel personal, and it was more damaging than the original gaslighting.

Short Term Consequences: Significant Decline in Function

Under these conditions, I experienced a decline in mental health, suffering from severe anxiety, including panic attacks and self-harm ideation. At the time, I was managing significant challenges with my own family along with other personal issues. Having a surreptitious workplace bully during this period was overwhelming, especially when I couldn't work out what was happening or why.

Under stress, my sensory issues are greatly heightened - olfactory, auditory, visual, touch. At the height of this decline, I was experiencing blackouts in responses to emotional situations - where I was disassociating and losing hours completely, with very hazy memories of the surrounding periods.

Being “on the spectrum” isn’t a constant matrix of dysfunctional states. I’ve observed a direct correlation between stress and cognitive function.

Everything is worse when things get bad.

The Longer Term Impacts: A Broken Trust Relationship With Organisations

Writing about it helps - but the process of recontextualising how I can fit back into an organisation has taken a lot of effort. I've struggled with interactions where I’ve perceived bullying or discrimination. And recognising that a situation is a response to my neurodivergent traits can make things more difficult to navigate. But organisations generally aren't equipped to handle these issues, even if you explicitly tell them what’s happening.

My understanding of what has occurred at a clinical level is that it's an effect akin to PTSD - in the Autism world, it's called "burnout". I've managed my Autistic and ADHD traits successfully for most of my life, but this feeling of profound betrayal triggered what was essentially a "perfect storm" which caused enormous disruption, and a type of regression where my skill set and capacity were diminished.

Dealing With It: Diet and Exercise

Once I finally understood what the root causes were, I started researching, reading, watching, engaging - to really get a sense as to what might help.

I shifted up my exercise regimen - doing jiujitsu 3-5 days per week, advancing to blue belt in a 10 month period. This was extremely difficult, presenting challenges especially from a sensory and social perspective, but I've observed a significant improvement in my dopamine receptors, mood regulation, cognitive and memory functions, and overall ability to manage anxiety and stress. I am even able to bridge connections with others in a way which I've never felt capable and I can start to project my movements with clarity.

I've learned to surf, and I'm doing regular yoga with meditation. I've adjusted my diet with zero alcohol, very few processed foods, switched to a high intake of “superfoods”, and I take supplements including magnesium, ashwagandha, folic acid, creatine and glutamine. I also take ADHD medication (I'm diagnosed combined type Autism/ADHD, which is between 50-70% of ADHDers), which helps with focus and mood regulation.

With my extensive training and diet, I've been able to stop taking blood pressure and cholesterol medication. The supplements I take assist significantly with cognitive function, and I’m greatly improved with name/face retention and overall memory function. My emotional regulation is hugely improved - yes, my patterns are all still in place, but I’m anticipating them better, and riding them out more easily.

Most importantly, the most challenging situations are more navigable, and I am able to identify when I’m starting to dissociate - which lets me take a time out and give myself the space to process the complexity of the situation more carefully.

Are Organisations Necessarily Complicit in Defending Neurodivergent Bullying?

In the bullying situation, there was an implicit “we don’t talk about that” culture, which neither casual nor directed engagement could unpick. People who did care would at best refer to it indirectly and as though it was unfortunate (for me), but it wasn't something people wanted to discuss openly, even closest colleagues.

But these situations are incredibly difficult for organisations to manage: the primary function of HR is to protect the organisation from risks - especially litigation - and admitting that a manager has engaged in not only bullying, but one which targeted vulnerable employees, is probably a significant one.

Workplace Bullying was the Catalyst for the Accumulated Trauma of Perfectionism and Overcompensation

I want to be very clear: this is not to say that the bullying was acceptable - but it does need to be understood in the broader context of a life lived in a constant state of feeling that any accomplishment isn't enough, and feeling the weight of perceived failures or shortcomings for significant periods - especially those situations where something wasn't communicated directly, but was expected to be understood.

Harvard Business Review had an article quite a few years back which looked at the concept of star performers in an organisation, proposing the idea of alpha "plus" and "minus" types - where "minus" types were constantly doubting themselves and second-guessing their decisions. I suspect this study unwittingly reflected a significant number of high functioning neurodivergent workers.

The issue is that, as a neurodivergent in the workplace, one hits a number of obstacles, most commonly blind spots in cognitive empathy, challenges in reading subtext, over-literal interpretation of corporate directives. These feelings aren't unique to neurodivergents, but the incidence is: one way to think of it with more clarity is that statistically we will hit problems like these multiple times per hour. Life is a depressing version of whack-a-mole on hard mode.

Neurotypicals who are presented with the issues we face can't help but frame them from their own experience. Be more resilient. Grow a backbone. Get on with things. What they don’t understand is that the sheer volume of negative feedback we receive makes all of that very challenging.

Diagnosis Is Helpful

Being diagnosed with combined type Autism/ADHD has made it all much clearer - as part of the process of understanding how I could have been so open to this type of manipulation and psychological abuse, it has helped me to understand what characteristics make me vulnerable, and to identify behavioural patterns like Mate Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissism.

It also helps me to better understand and contextualise my experience, and understand what triggered my bully, and why they might have acted in that way (not to suggest it was in any way acceptable).

Navigating Workplace Bullying - Some Observations

Be careful in navigating these issues within your organisation and protect yourself by documenting as much as you can, particularly if you are neurodivergent or have those traits. You are unlikely to be believed or supported, and you will risk your reputation in raising complaints. If you have anyone as a sounding board to help guide your interactions, use them. I didn’t. I felt ashamed to have been in that situation. I didn’t want anyone to know.

In my case, I was very fortunate to be given the opportunity to move roles, and although there were repercussions, it was probably a “soft” landing, considering how it might have been handled.

I talk regularly with other managers, and I know very well how easy it is to write off a colleague who is struggling.

Some Final Pointers

Ultimately, you need to protect yourself. I wanted to finish the article with some positive suggestions that have worked for me.

• Emotional Regulation: this is already a difficult thing to manage if you're Autistic or ADHD, but in a bullying situation, your ability to self-regulate will be diminished. Keeping your cool is going to be a challenge, and it's important to self-monitor, to prepare carefully for any verbal conversations, and to insert a cooling-off period between writing and sending emails/messages (be especially vigilant in real-time messaging).

Just having the awareness that you have a tendency to “overreact” from a neurotypical perspective may give you a needed buffer.

• Justice Response: Autistic people can have a heightened sense of justice response to perceived unfairness. This can create a sense of criticality which isn't apparent to most participants. Take some time out from reacting when you feel this muscle. As Ludmila Praslova (author of The Canary Code) puts it, you may well be the “canary in the coal mine”, correctly identifying an unjust situation - we’re very good at that. However, even if it is everything you sensed, how you navigate that situation is going to be a challenge, and it pays to step back and think about how to handle it – how to frame it in a way that others will be receptive.

Get a third party perspective if you can - ideally a neurotypical, if you can find an ally who can "read the room", rather than someone who will instinctively agree.

• Idealist Tendency: Autistic people can tend towards idealism. This can extend beyond the merely political into the workplace mundane: company mission statements, policies, HR missives. Principles for effective working can even become a pivot for the idealism response - for years as a Quality Assurance worker, I would wave the flags of CMM, Agile, etc as though they were a personal mission, and feel shocked by people cutting corners.

Sometimes, people don't follow the rules. Work out if it's really important.

• Good Actor Presumption (Autistic Naivete): Autistic people frequently take others at face value, assuming that what is being said is true or with best intentions. It's probably because we tend to be "straight-up" types ourselves who just speak plainly and don't disguise our meaning or have agendas. But not everyone will see it as negative if someone in the organisation is self-serving or dishonest.

It’s important to recognise that most people are pragmatic, and may not be as committed to principles or even expect fairness.

• Anxiety/Self-Doubt: Many neurodivergents suffer from deep feelings of anxiety, brought about from repeat micro-failures in social interactions. It takes a lot of practice to break this habit, but start down the path, and you will see progress. You’ll probably still have the same error rate, but it’s contextualising the failures which is critical.

We are neuroplastic beings. Train yourself to manage your stress/fight/flight responses. Forgive yourself those regular “eek” social moments. Don’t feed your “I need to do x better” narrative.? You will function better with a calm mind.

• Mind Blindness: Autistic people struggle with understanding other people's perspectives, and that can make it difficult to work out how people are responding to you in your situation (especially when you are highly stressed). In life, I've had a tendency to assume that everyone thinks like me - and it's taken diagnosis and research to help me really improve my cognitive empathy with some manual mental practices which reduce assumptions.

Don't assume you know what others are thinking or will say. Ask them instead of drawing lines between their dots.

• Navigating Implicit Feedback/Action: in my bullying case, I now believe that I received great support from my organisation, because I was able to switch roles quickly and continue. At the time, it felt like everything was being papered over, and the lack of direct discussion about the details made it hard to interpret where I stood. That lack of direct communication was brutal (for me), but on reflection, it may be impossible for organisations to offer otherwise. You might not be given the direct information you want. Asking for it directly may not yield results.

This is not to suggest that the best path is to accept unfairness or go back to masking (suppressing autistic traits).

It’s about consciously redrawing the lines in context. It’s about stepping back to give yourself time and space to find the holistic.

People don’t generally think about neurodivergent issues. Organisations aren’t designed to support us, even if they have DEI programs and manager training. Even undiagnosed neurodivergents can (perhaps reflexively) be cruel when they encounter our traits.

Learning to strike a balance with the world means looking with fresh eyes at old problems and finding a healthier perspective which creates space for you, without expecting the world to move around you.

About This Article

I'm writing this as a technology professional with a combined Autism/ADHD diagnosis, and who experienced workplace bullying which worsened my neurodivergent traits to a critical level. I've found ways to retrain myself physically and mentally to rebuild resilience in a more conscious manner, and that's something I see as a lifelong pursuit.

I interact with a substantial amount of material related to neurodivergence, but I am not currently undertaking research in the field. My observations in this article are based on my experiences and on concepts and understandings I've developed in learning about Autism and ADHD. I don't intend to provide exhaustive references, but I'm happy to point people in the right direction. I'm open to conversations!