Fired? Me? Now What?

By Edy Nathan

Long before COVID-19, people attempted to avoid the grief and trauma present after losing a job. With staggeringly historic levels of unemployment, emotional well-being is not doing well at all. 

Did you lose your job? Are you immersed in a bout with grief? You’re still alive, right? Well, yeah, but… too often, a grief conversation is missing when someone loses a job. Too often, you’ll hear, “It’s not that bad.” Meanwhile, grief permeates the essence of the self: the self as a provider, as a success story, as an entrepreneur, or as the owner of their dream home. When grief causes you to question core values, it attacks your self-esteem, causing self-doubt and fear.  

At this moment, in this time of a pandemic, there are few offerings in the job market—and yet, getting creative or breaking into a new career are certainly options. Looking inward at your seasoned talents and hobbies and outward for possible collaborators takes robust amounts of self-esteem. Yet, when role confusion, anger, or anxiety enter the mix, it's hard to tap into the needed energy to make new things happen.

It’s taxing to cope with grief, while financial issues are at the forefront of your mind. In this place of isolation and fear, and sometimes shame, the support of friends, families, co-workers, and even acquaintances falls short. But it doesn’t have to. 

Recognize What You're Going Through

Ask yourself what you need rather than assuming you know the answer. Too often, when someone is in shock over the loss of a job, it’s underplayed: “It’s nothing; it’ll pass.” As unpredictable as this time is, it could be an opening for a creative opportunity.

This is a time when many people go through a phase of grief—a phase I call "role confusion": Who am I without this job? How am I going to make money? I identify as being a restaurant owner or being a bartender. 

With emotions heightened and the job market in question, you may not be ready to hear advice. Be careful about who you decide to collaborate with, because unsolicited advice can often lead to other phases of grief, like anger and anxiety. If you decide to collaborate, listen to the proposal, listen to your intuition (yes, we all have it, now more than ever). Begin there. If someone wants your advice, they’ll ask. Sometimes collaborating involves letting go of an "I” as you become more of a "we,” and if you’ve had your own business, collaboration is not for everyone.

Job Loss Scenarios Are Often Followed by a Loss of Identity

This can lend itself to "Spaghetti Brain," where simple paperwork becomes a complicated task. For example, immediate paperwork related to the stimulus packages taps into an already limited supply of energy and focus. Ask for help. Maybe you can return the favor later when one of your friends is experiencing Spaghetti Brain. When filling out paperwork, ask for another pair of eyes to make sure there are no typos. 

And don’t push yourself and your friends too hard. Prioritize the most pressing tasks and figure out what can wait until later. Slow down; you’ve got a lot of time on your hands. You’re not alone in your shock over the loss of a job and the loss of income.

If You Notice Anxiety in Your Loved Ones or Friends, Stay in Touch 

If their fear is triggering for you, decide how much time you can spend with them. It’s not about them; it’s about you. Learn to create boundaries of what is good for you and what isn’t. Keep the conversation to what is known, also known as data points, rather than focusing or projecting on what is not known. Projection leads to anxiety, which, when grieving, can create fear reactions about things yet to occur. The fear needs to be discussed, and helping them to change their cognitions or thoughts around the fear can be helpful.

This is a time of transition, and the truth about what you’re facing continues to shift. Name the reaction you’re having: “I seem to be grieving,” or, “I feel helpless,” or “I am restless, demoralized, detached.”

Originally Published on Psychology Today

Edy Nathan is the author of: “It’s Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma and Loss” amzn.to/30vkR2W??

And a blogger for Psychology Today, Thrive Health

Psychotherapist based in NYC