Fire Talk, Part 2. Older children, tweens, and teens

This blog was written by our colleague Betsy Brown Braun and is available to view on her website.

It is impossible to imagine a human who has not been profoundly affected by the catastrophic fires in Pacific Palisades and Altadena, California. Those who lost their houses, all their possessions, and their physical mementos holding their family memories, are overwhelmed, are in pain, and are numb. Those who did not take a direct hit are suffering, too.

In writing this blog, my goal is to offer support to parents of children, young and old, in dealing with their children. Parents need to know how to respond and help their children, the directly and indirectly affected. That’s what I can do. And it is healing for me, as I remain an evacuee.

Children of all ages are affected by this unbelievable catastrophe that has hit the Los Angeles area. I have already written for parents of young children. What about our older children— upper elementary school age, tweens, and teens?

• Be sure to correct any misinformation your child might have. But take pains not to doubt or act like you don’t believe him. Your older children need you to have faith and believe in them.
• Children of all ages respond and often take their cues from their parents. Older children are hard to fool. ?Hiding your feelings doesn’t work. They often spot hypocrisy, faster than you imagine.
• Children are not only absorbent, but they are also observant and intuitive. ?Be real…but not too real. Share your feelings with them. It would be strange if you were not showing that you are affected, worried, sad, and a whole panoply of feelings.
• Remember that tweens and teens want to present as mature, competent and capable. No baby crying for them. But their emotions can be tender and young. It is not surprising in times like these that it is easy to regress to that younger, frightened or needy place.
• Some children wear their feelings on their sleeves. It is easy to see how they are doing and feeling. However, others will not. It might even seem that they are not affected at all. Don’t fall for it!
• Without prying, without cliché questions like “How does it make you feel?” find other ways to get in. For example, asking how friends are handling things, or what is being said by their peers is a good way to open the door a crack. You might even ask how they imagine certain of their friends are coping, who demonstrates strength, or who is having a harder time. Be creative by using a side door entry. No corny direct hits which will lock that door fast
• When your child does express his feelings, know that no expression is too small. The effects of this trauma will manifest differently with different people. Things that might seem ridiculous to you are big and not ridiculous to your child. Be sure to honor whatever he says and validate what he expresses. Your acceptance ?of his feelings, no matter what they are, brings comfort.
• Big feelings often manifest in bizarre ways. Listen for what’s going on underneath the behavior, the snarky comment, the eye rolls, defiance, or whatever typical adolescent behavior you might see… more than the usual. While unacceptable behavior is still unacceptable, understanding what is fueling it will help you to be less critical. But it is no excuse for completely unacceptable behavior.
• Children of all ages test boundaries to know that you are still there, holding the line, and keeping them safe. You remain your children’s security and backstop. Act that way.
• Remember that you are modeling how to deal with all kinds of events and the accompanying feelings, big and small. You are modeling resilience. You are an example of having genuine feelings, but not being debilitated by them. I am certainly not saying that you should be dishonest about or hide your feelings. But remember always how important you are in your children’s lives. They will never forget how you have responded to this catastrophe or to them in their moments of difficulty. Emotions create lasting memories.
• Modulation is a good thing. You don’t want to overwhelm your child with your feelings. Children, especially older ones, often think that they are responsible for your well-being. Not so!
• Bring your tweens and teens into the conversation about what will happen going forward. Ask opinions. Ask what they might want. Ask what is most important to them. Explain that, while you (and your partner) will make final decisions, you want their input. It matters.
• With younger children, I suggested that you “circle the wagons.” With older children, this may not be the way forward, especially for teens. Offer the opportunities to be together as a family. Invite your child to do things with the family. But do not insist upon it.
• Regularity and being with the familiar is what your older children, tweens, and teens need right now. I know families are moving away, trying to get out of the area. But our older children want to be in their hoods with their people. That is what brings them solace and comfort right now. Think twice about removing them from their scene.
• Your tweens and teens will want to be with their friends, their peeps who are their family at this time. Help that to make that happen. It brings them comfort. Being together with their friends provides the support that they need in their own language.
• Being proactive, doing for others, is the best medicine for everyone. I have heard amazing stories from clients. One 14-year-old girl has turned her bracelet making into a project to raise money for her friends who lost houses. For those who did not lose their homes, help them to find ways to bring comfort to others and contribute to their well-being.
• I am quite sure that everyone wants to help during times like this. We are empathetic beings, and doing for others is what we are born to do. However, saying things like “What can I do for you?” or “Just let me know what I can do.” puts the burden on the victim. It is the very thing you do not want to do. Rather than ask, just?do. At the very least for those who have lost everything, gift cards to kids’ favorite clothing shops or certificates for meals at favorite restaurants will be greatly appreciated.
• Maintain a positive, not Pollyanna, attitude. You need to be the hope that many kids lack at this time.

For parents of young children, please see my previously written blog by going to my?website?betsybrownbraun.com

Betsy Brown Braun Parenting Pathways, Inc