Finnish Parliament on Drugs

If you thought Finnish politics couldn’t get more riveting than the annual budget brawls or parliamentary debates over the curvature of bananas, think again. Last Thursday, the esteemed members of Finland’s Parliament outdid themselves in a spectacle of popcorn, karaoke, and—brace yourselves—cocaine residue. Because what screams good governance louder than traces of narcotics in the hallowed halls of democracy?

Democracy Meets Party City

It was a crisp November evening in Helsinki, and the fifth floor of the Parliament building was alive with the sounds of clinking glasses, off-key karaoke, and the faint hum of questionable decisions. Each party had transformed their offices into themed wonderlands. The National Coalition Party (Kokoomus) went full “Carnival Nights” with popcorn machines, while the Finns Party (Perussuomalaiset) channeled their inner gangsters with a 1920s speakeasy vibe. Because nothing says "nostalgia" quite like Prohibition-era aesthetics paired with modern Finnish alcohol policies.

Over at the Greens, things were spiced up with First Dates at the Altar politics edition. Yes, because speed-dating your ideological opponents in a faux-romantic setting is the obvious path to legislative brilliance. Meanwhile, the Swedish People’s Party (RKP) wooed guests with islander-themed finger foods and chips. (Scandalous, I know.) And the Social Democrats? They went with karaoke—because nothing heals a fractured political climate like warbling out-of-tune renditions of “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

Naturally, the drinks flowed. Beer, wine, and punch were served alongside an unspoken agreement that what happens at the Parliament Christmas party stays at the Parliament Christmas party—or so they thought.

Yle’s Sherlock Moment

Enter Yle, Finland’s national broadcaster, here to save democracy with…sterile wipes? As the MPs and their entourage celebrated democracy’s survival with popcorn and questionable vocal talents, Yle reporters donned disposable gloves and embarked on a covert mission worthy of a James Bond spoof. Armed with dampened cloths, they swabbed Parliament’s WC surfaces in search of the residue of Finland’s “other” snow.

The mission was meticulous: toilet lids, faucets, soap dispensers, door handles—you name it, they swiped it. These swabs, sealed with more care than Finland’s NATO application, were later shipped off to a German lab for analysis. Because if we’re going to accuse our MPs of enjoying recreational substances, we’re going to do it scientifically.

"Snow" in the House?

The results? Cocaine traces in three out of six Parliament bathrooms. That’s right, folks—while Finland’s MPs debate drug policies with the sobriety of a Lutheran sermon, the bathrooms tell a different story. Of course, let’s not jump to conclusions; it’s entirely possible that a rogue cleaning crew accidentally smeared their leftover party favors on Parliament’s pristine porcelain.

Yle carefully noted that Parliament’s toilets aren’t just for MPs. Ministers’ aides, parliamentary staff, and, on occasion, journalists (wink, wink) also have access. So really, this could all just be a wild coincidence. Maybe the cleaning staff moonlights as DJs at underground raves. Maybe Santa came early and left the wrong kind of white Christmas. Who’s to say?

Silence is Golden

Predictably, the reaction from the Parliament was…crickets. No statements, no clarifications, and certainly no karaoke follow-ups. The very people tasked with legislating the nation’s drug policies found themselves staring at a PR crisis as frosty as the Finnish winter.

A Satirical Suggestion

If we may be so bold, perhaps the solution to Finland’s drug crisis lies in Parliament itself. Legalize and tax it—starting with the fifth-floor bathrooms. With the revenue generated, we could solve the nation’s budget woes, fund universal karaoke lessons, and throw in a popcorn machine for every municipality. Who needs austerity when you’ve got popcorn and powder?

Final Thoughts

So, dear citizens, rest assured that your elected officials are keeping democracy alive and…well, buzzing. The next time you hear a debate on drug policy in Finland, remember: the hallowed halls of Parliament have seen more powder than Lapland in December.

Until next time, stay clean—or at least clean your fingerprints off the soap dispenser.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual events, MPs, or karaoke performances is purely coincidental—or maybe not...