The Fine Line : Therapist By Day, Friend All The Time

Dear Best Friend(s),

Remember that sleepover last weekend? We were in our PJs sipping hot chocolate and catching up. It started with who’s dating who, the latest Netflix series we’re obsessed with, and those embarrassing drunk stories from college. Then, as it always does, the conversation shifted to more serious topics. Someone was going through a tough time and suddenly all eyes were on me. “You’re a therapist - SO BE MINE!!!”, she said. I felt a familiar knot in my stomach, and it made me realize – this letter is long overdue.

You see, by day, I'm navigating life's complexities with my clients. But…I find myself playing therapist during our hangouts too. Don't get me wrong, I love being there for you! But lately, I miss being your friend first, therapist friend second. I miss being able to throw my hands up and say life sucks sometimes and I don’t know what I’m doing either. So here I am, writing this letter to you (rather dramatically) hoping we can find a way to balance the serious talks with some good old-fashioned silliness.

Being a therapist is an intense job. I genuinely care about my clients, but professional distance helps me support them without getting too emotionally involved - which is super important for effective therapy. I don’t know their partners or parents personally. But I do know and care for yours (PS: Tell your mom I love her and your floof that I said hi).?

With my clients, I have clear boundaries and a professional setup that lets me navigate their issues objectively. However, our connection makes it hard to maintain that objectivity. And I don’t want to be that objective third person in your life. We’ve always been each other’s biggest cheerleaders, fighting life’s battles and figuring it all out together.

Have I told you about Spoon Theory? It's a metaphor used to describe how much mental and emotional energy we have for daily activities. As a therapist, I start each day with a set number of spoons, representing my capacity. Each therapy session with a client costs me a spoon, where I dive deep into their emotions, offering support and guidance.

Picture me curled up on the couch at night, with a glass of wine when I get your text or call. Talking to you used to be a fun way to unwind, even regain spoons. But sometimes I feel like I have to be “in therapist mode” for you. Breaking down why your partner is acting that way or how to stand up to your mean boss. It’s not just about listening, it’s sometimes about ‘fixing’ extremely complex issues and carrying your burdens with me.

My metaphorical spoon drawer can be looking pretty empty and I'm left drained and overwhelmed. And I hate that I feel this way after some conversations with you. I end up borrowing a spoon somehow, and starting my next day…exhausted. It’s also why I sometimes have to decline an outing, I’m just all out of spoons and need time to recharge.?

The thing is, it is not always on you! This therapist business is a double-edged sword. Without realizing it, I find myself jumping in to offer support, falling into a therapist identity trap where that's all I can be. I catch myself asking those "therapy-ish" questions. “How did that make you feel?” or “How could I support you best right now?” and those are my go-to therapy questions.

So where do we go from here? Well I’m here with some suggestions too! (which goes against the point I was making, but hey, I’m a work in progress). Let's talk about boundaries for a moment. I know, I know it sounds cliche, but it's essential. Boundaries are what allow us to maintain healthy, balanced relationships. For instance, if there is a deep conversation that needs some time and space, let’s create time to talk about it. Maybe when we're both ready to give it our full attention and space. Boundaries aren’t just about saying "no" – they're about saying "yes" to caring for ourselves or a “maybe later?”?

One of the things I love most about our friendship is the fun we have together—like that road trip or our epic game nights. Those moments remind me that our bond is built on joy and laughter. While I'm here for all the serious talks, sometimes I just need my friend and I need to just be your friend again. When I find this getting too heavy for me - I will tell you that my friendship meter needs some love (and my therapist meter a break!). And remember, it's okay to seek help from other sources too. As your friend, I am not nearly as far removed as I should be to hold that therapeutic space for you. There are amazing therapists out there who can provide the support you need (I know a few!) It's okay to seek help when you need it. Thank you for understanding and being the incredible friends that you are, I am so lucky to have you!

With all my love,

Your Therapist Friend?