The Fine Line Between Compliments and Harassment

There's no doubt that the line between compliments and harassment sometimes feels thin in professional settings. Some people assume that the only way to avoid potential accusations of sexual harassment in the workplace is to take a cold, impersonal approach to all interactions. Is that the only solution? Let's explore what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to compliments and other personal comments.

What Everyone Needs to Know About Sexual Harassment

?Between 2018 and 2021, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) received 98,411 charges alleging harassment of all kinds; 27,291 of them alleged sexual harassment. While I'm focusing my post on how men can come across when directing compliments or comments at female colleagues or acquaintances, I want to point out that sexual harassment is a widespread issue that affects all genders, sexual orientations, and races.

An important detail shared by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) is that sexual harassment is defined by its impact instead of its intent. That means that the perception of the person making the unwanted comment or gesture does not define either the harmfulness or harmlessness of the action.

The NSVRC gives these behaviors as examples of sexual harassment:?

Unwelcome sexual advances

Requests for sexual favors

Verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature

Inappropriate statements

Lewd gestures

Leering behavior

Sexually explicit jokes, emails, or texts

Sharing offensive objects or images

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For the average well-intentioned person reading this list, the thought of anyone carrying out any of these actions is shocking. However, the very nuanced and interpretable guidelines for sexual harassment make the slippery slope a little bit slicker than you might think! For example, verbal or physical harassment may be interpreted very differently from one person to another.

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For a man giving a compliment, saying that you like a female colleague's sweater may seem like a very innocent statement of admiration. It can be. It can also teeter on the edge of harassment when offered in statements like these:?

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"I like the way that sweater fits you."

"Your figure looks great in that sweater."

"Your sweater looks soft. Can I feel it?"

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Body language is also especially important here. Let's say that you are simply giving an innocuous compliment by saying that you like a colleague's sweater. While the content of your compliment may be completely innocent, the gesture could quickly veer into the harassment lane based on how you deliver it. Giving even a 100% innocent compliment while leering at a person's body can make it feel like a violation.

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You also need to be aware of the body language of the woman you are engaging with. Did she tense up, cross her arms, back away, or look visibly flustered after you remarked on her sweater? If so, she is telling you via her body language that she is uncomfortable with you making remarks about her appearance.

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A good rule of thumb is to avoid any compliments that focus on a physical aspect of another person. Yes, "nice haircut" or "cool outfit" comments are fine occasionally when you want to acknowledge in a positive way that a woman you work with has changed her appearance. However, a better approach for building camaraderie in a professional setting is to simply praise the quality of her work. The next time you want to give a female colleague a compliment you can be sure she'll appreciate, try mentioning that you were really impressed by her recent presentation in front of a group!

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The Bottom Line: Be Respectful

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The fact is that there's a slippery slope whenever you decide to make a comment about a woman's appearance. While some may groan about this, there's a reason attitudes have evolved. After decades of being objectified in the workplace, many women have become guarded when it comes to any references to their bodies or any other aspect of their looks. Having your appearance valued over your contribution to the team effort can feel belittling.

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If you're the type who simply likes to compliment people, I have one piece of advice for you to carry around that may help you avoid sticky situations. If you wouldn't say it to another man in the workplace or a social situation, don't say it to a woman!