Finding sun-showers: Bereavement in the workplace

“I just remember waking up one day & deciding that I would try to remember that even though rainstorms are completely unavoidable, sun-showers exist, too.”

―?Amanda Lovelace,?To Drink Coffee with a Ghost

I’d like to think I’m pretty good at keeping a professional head in the workplace even when the personal is going a bit …wobbly.

That’s not to say that at certain times in my life, that line hasn’t blurred a little. Especially through very difficult periods, such as intense grief.

I’ve felt compelled to write something like this for a very long time. Partly because I feel so passionately about my experience of it when I lost my brother 3 years ago, but mostly because if it can help even just one person to think about ways to navigate the days, weeks and months that follow something like this happening to you, then it’s done the job I intended. Especially now with Christmas coming up fast, things can be particularly difficult for families who have lost loved ones around this time of year.

So I thought it was time to dust off the draft, and finish what I started.

This article isn’t about Oliver per se, but I think it helps paint a picture if you understand the kind of person he was. He was 18 years old when he died. He adored his family, family get togethers were his happy place and safe space. He had a wicked wit, the cheekiest grin you’d ever seen, and a ridiculously contagious laugh. He was at the very beginning of his career having just finished college, deciding what to do with his life.

He died just over 3 years ago of a condition called Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (otherwise known as Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome, or SADS).

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When you lose one of the most precious people in your life, you gain a very different perspective on the world around you. I felt like I gained a real sense of humility and empathy towards others in the months after he died (once the initial anger about the injustice of it all had subsided, of course!). I also feel very strongly now that this loss, despite its absolute devastation that it caused at the time, has become a strength in my character and resolve. I believe that this has made me a better colleague, and a better leader, because of the experience of that loss and how I navigated it then, and now to this day. In the 3 years since it happened, it’s made me want to be more selfless, give back more both personally and professionally, and help others, wherever I can.

That’s not to say that the road to returning to work was anywhere near easy. I experienced a lot of incredible challenges along the way. My main challenge was separating the personal from the professional. For a long time I was living in two different worlds - the professional front, where I felt like I had to be on autopilot with no emotions from 9-5 to function as an effective employee. Running almost robotically, from the moment I walk through the work doors, to the moment I leave. I felt like I couldn’t let the emotion crack through because there lies vulnerability, and that just wasn’t an option for me at the time. I had to have that complete separation from the emotional for that window of time in order to make it through. And then there was the personal, where I could finally collapse into my grief at the close of a day, once the working day was over, only for it to start all over again the next day. I would go home to a family in complete and utter mourning and devastation, and that wound would rip open once again. Day in and day out - it was a truly exhausting time.

I felt like it was the most horrific thing that had ever happened to me, but that I had to hide it from the world, because it wasn’t appropriate to share it, or show it, in a workplace environment.

As the weeks and months passed, I started to learn to have the courage to bring my whole self to work, on the good days and the bad days. Being authentically myself, with all my experience, vulnerability, insight, self-awareness, and empathy for others to the table to do my job - because that is who I am, behind all of those walls I'd built. Over time, I began to find the joy and the passion for different areas of life again. I think working at an organisation with a core of cultural empathy made a real difference to me and my experience of that time. Your colleagues are around you 9-5, 5 days a week, which is such a huge portion of your time. The people around me at that time truly cared and turned what was the most harrowing experience of my life, into a joyful and productive workplace environment that was, over time, incredibly healing. Eventually, I found sun-showers again.

For anyone going through a particularly difficult time, here are some key things that I learned along the way. I hope they help you, too:

·??????Human moments - We’re all human. Life brings us a lot of ups and downs and most of the time, it seems to strike at the least convenient time possible. Sometimes it’s worth taking a few ‘human moments’ to remember that and to be kind to yourself. That could be taking a walk around the block, grabbing a few minutes in a quiet place, or a coffee and a chat with a trusted colleague to take your mind off things.

·??????Ignore grievers guilt - There is no such thing as a fast-track course to get past grief, it takes as long as it takes and it is different for everyone. Bereavement leave is there for a reason, so if you need to take the full bereavement leave, or return to work sooner, there should be no feeling of guilt for either approach. There is no right or wrong; grief doesn’t have a set timing plan - it is at the pace that is right for you. You are the one living with it.

·??????TIME – I know the cliché is that time heals all wounds, but sometimes they scar and run too deeply to just bounce back and heal from. Time gives you an opportunity to sculpt out the new normal, so that scar, whilst always there, isn’t so much of a wound anymore, but rather a part of you that’s marked by the event. And ultimately, over much time and tears, things do begin to feel more stable. A return to the less volatile IS possible.

·??????A trusted friend works wonders – Grief comes in waves. Some days you are bobbing along and it’s manageable, but other days even getting out of bed can seem like the hardest thing in the world. Having even just one person in the workplace to speak to when you might need some support, who actively listens to you and sits with you when you just need a bit of company, can make the world of difference. Whether that be a close friend at work, your line manager, a mentor or someone in the organisation who can help (such as a Mental Health First Aider or a buddy). Talking it through can sometimes feel like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders, so don’t be afraid to lean on a trusted friend if you need to.

I found that listening to, reading up on, and watching others who had experienced similar experiences to me to be extremely comforting during the lonelier times. It gave me a safe place to seek guidance from those who had been through it, and had a few years under their belt of living it - so I knew that at some point, in some place in the future, things would get a little easier. It also helped me to realise that some of the bizarre things I thought and felt at that time were actually very normal. Which was a huge reassurance at a time when I wasn't sure what was and wasn't a normal reaction... in reality - it's all very normal!!

Here are some of the things that helped me outside of working life:

1. Podcasts – Sometimes it can help to find solace in others who have experienced similar things to you, especially if you are in the thick of it and finding it difficult to focus on the day to day. Some useful podcasts on grief that I found particularly helped me:

o??Griefcast describes itself as ‘funny people talking about death’. Hosted by Cariad Lloyd, it is a highly engaging and often funny podcast series in which Cariad talks to her fellow comedians and performers about loss (can be found on Spotify).

o??Terrible, Thanks for asking - Nora McIrney’s husband Aaron passed away in 2014 His obituary went viral and Nora received lots of messages from strangers going through something hard. Nora decided to use these messages to create the first season of?‘Terrible, Thanks For Asking’.?The intention is to get past the “how are you?” “I’m fine!” small talk and get right into the heart of the hard things in life (can be found on Spotify). She has also written a memoir called ‘No Happy Endings’ if you wanted to read a bit more.

o??Grief Encounters is a weekly podcast series that looks at an issue that affects us all and yet remains so difficult to talk about: grief. Hosts Venetia Quick and Sasha Hamrogue hope to open up the conversation around loss and create a modern platform for people to share their own experiences, and start an open dialogue around the subject of death and all that comes with it.

Cruise has a great list of podcasts that have the above featured and more: Podcasts for grief and loss (cruse.org.uk)

2. TED talks – There are some fantastic sources of support that can be found for free on Youtube, here are some stand out ones I thought were particularly useful:

o??3 ways companies can support grieving employees – Tilak Mandadi speaks candidly about the loss of his daughter, and his journey to return to work.

o??We don’t “move on” from grief. We move forward with it - In a talk that's by turns heart-breaking and hilarious, writer and podcaster Nora McInerny shares her hard-earned wisdom about life and death. Her candid approach to something that will, let's face it, affect us all, is as liberating as it is gut-wrenching. Most powerfully, she encourages us to shift how we approach grief. "A grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again," she says. "They're going to move forward. But that doesn't mean that they've moved on."

o??The Journey through Loss and Grief - In her brutally honest, ironically funny and widely read meditation on death, "You May Want to Marry My Husband," the late author and filmmaker Amy Krouse Rosenthal gave her husband Jason very public permission to move on and find happiness. A year after her death, Jason offers candid insights on the often excruciating process of moving through and with loss -- as well as some quiet wisdom for anyone else experiencing life-changing grief.

3. Books – There are hundreds upon thousands of books on self-help strategies directed at people navigating grief, but these are a couple of highlights from me:

o??It’s OK that you’re not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand – Psychotherapist Megan Devine is a pioneer in the fields of grief and loss, speaking out on the ways we twist the normal, healthy expression of grief into something to rush through or hide away. Her book, It's OK That You're Not OK, is considered required reading by grieving people and professionals around the world.

o??A Heart That Works - The comedian and star of?Catastrophe's devastatingly moving memoir about his young son's death. In this devastating, beautiful and deeply moving memoir of the loss of his son, Rob Delaney explores what life really means, and why it matters.

4. Helplines – Grief comes in all forms; sometimes we need a bit of help in order to move forward, and can get a bit stuck in it.. Bereavement Advice Centre has a list of support organisations, some specialist, some more general, to help you get to a more manageable place.

With any loss, it's completely normal to feel a little (or a lot) lost for a while. I hope this article has helped to point out some of the things that might help you to cope. In the meantime, I promise you this:

You will smile again.

You will laugh again.

And in time, you will move forward. But it's ok to look back from time to time, too.

Dedicated to Oliver Fergus Mobbs