Finding the silverlinings of regret
Dr Amy Silver MAPS ClinPsyD MA MPhil BSc(Hons)
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We have an interesting relationship with regret. If only we had — or hadn’t done — such and such a thing, we’d be in a different, better position now. Largely we feel regret in terms of things we haven’t done (missed opportunities)?more intensely?than the regret of things we did do (or decisions we made).
Regret but don’t ruminate
Regret is an emotion like any other and that means it is neither intrinsically bad or good — it’s the actions that we choose to take following the emotion that makes a difference to our long-term well-being.
Allowing ourselves to feel the emotion so that we can process it and move on is important else it will get stuck! Take the lessons it offers but do not beat yourself up. There’s no rewinding what’s happened so focus on moving forward. Ruminating takes up a lot of precious mental energy and produces nothing useful.
Here are four things we can do to help us move through feelings of regret:
Write it down: Name your feelings — this is known as emotional labeling — and get as specific as you can. For example, instead of labeling an emotion as just regret, think about whether you’re also feeling sad, angry, envious, etc. When you identify negative emotions, you can better accept them and then manage them.
Practice gratitude:?From a psychological point of view, the purpose of regret is to understand where we had control (and where we didn’t) and to learn from our experience. Looking at the past with gratitude rather than the lost opportunity costs can make all the difference between getting stuck in the pain and growing from the learning. Changing our focus to appreciate what we have is a practice we can all master and benefit from.
What matters most:?When you feel hurt, sorrow, or angst about the past, use the time to remind yourself what really matters in your life. Undoubtedly this will take us back to some of our core human needs like security and feeling loved. Notice the themes of your regret so that you can start to draw a list of things that you know you must work toward to make your life fulfilling. Regrets can be signposts toward growth, expansion, and connection.
Make regret productive:??Now you have a clearer idea of what’s important to you, think about the actions that will support those values. Family connection? Plan in regular catch-ups. Career progression? Reach out to your networks for support or develop your skills.
There will always be things we could have and possibly couldn’t have done, the silverlining of recognising regrets is in the actions we take next.
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THE COURAGE CLUB APP
We are so very close to launching an app!! A few hoops to jump through with Apple and Google but early adopters will be testing out the web version soon! This is going to be the place we can hang out together and we can work through a process that will?unblock you from fear and worry.
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I will help you step by step how to make the bolder choices that lead you to a more expanded version of you.
To get some details about the courage club app,?click here.
More information will be dropped on Instagram/FB/LinkedIn next week so follow along on your favourite platform!!!!!??
And, if you were one of the people who were up for early adoption, thank you for your patience, we're coming to you soon!!!!
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Looking for a podcast to listen to this week?
I had a good chat with James Weyler about how to have difficult conversations at work on his podcast?The Holistic You. James was a participant on?The Better Together?program I ran across the organisation he works for as a financial advisor, and then he invited me to have a chat.
The more difficult the conversation feels in your head, the more you will need to do to prepare.
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KEYNOTES
TAKING BOOKINGS FOR KEYNOTE SPEAKING FOR 2022/2023 (virtual/physical)?Email Ellen via?[email protected]?to check dates for your event if you want your audience to understand how to stop fear interfering (with us as individuals or groups)?so we head safely into our most powerful future together.??
Speaker. Author. Coach. Creating High Performance Leaders, Teams & Cultures through Connection.
2 年Regret but don’t ruminate - fantastic words!
Creator of SANE framework | VUCA Leadership | Self-awareness | Emotional resilience | Mental fitness | Agile mindset
2 年Beautiful advice thanks Dr Amy Silver MAPS ClinPsyD MA MPhil BSc(Hons)
Building Thriving Workplaces | Speaker, Author, and Coach.
2 年I so agree Dr Amy Silver MAPS ClinPsyD MA MPhil BSc(Hons) that we need to experience the emotion to move through it. I heard the other day that in Irish, they don't say 'I am sad' but 'sadness is on me' and I loved this as it illustrates the fleeting nature of emotions!
Company Director | Venture Builder | Board Director -Executive/ Non-Executive | Advisory Board Member | Coach & Mentor
2 年Thanks Amy. My view? I don’t have regrets- I used to. But lots of self work- supported by a great coach- has seen me realise there is no point having regrets; and the energy expended in having them is a result of wishing things could be different. Unless one has access to a time machine, nothing in the past can be changed. Acceptance of this (not to be confused with resignation, which saps more energy) leads to a welcoming or a gratitude for the opportunity to learn from the past- in order to move forward rather than being motivated to wish or change the past- which we cannot do.
Leader in Operations and People | Coach | Facilitator | Author
2 年Great wisdom in here Dr Amy Silver MAPS ClinPsyD MA MPhil BSc(Hons). I love the gratitude approach. Something I encourage in others and need to practice more myself! ??????