Finding Purpose

As I spend another day fighting the sense of despair that crashed over me like waves of liquid concrete, I questioned, once again, what I am doing and why. Deep down in the abyss that is my gut, I had a feeling that something was amiss. But what is it? Where is it?  The rumblings inside were strong. Oh, wait, that is just my hungry stomach.

Indeed, there was a sense of regret and the writing of a mental paper analyzing what I considered, at the time, the most critical question of all: What if. What if I studied a different subject? What if I went to a different school? What if I took more time doing this, or more time doing that? What if I listened more? What if I did not listen at all? Who were these people anyway (mom and dad excluded, of course), and what gave them the authority to dictate how one is to live her life?  Is the other side really greener?

Headaches ensued, pain-numbing naps persisted, thoughts gathered like clouds before a stormy Seattle winter night. No pill or a fake sunlight lamp can fix this dilemma. The only solution is…... well, to spend several months in the African desert, reconnecting with my roots and petting an African lion.  

Um, okay, there were no lions, but that would have been cool. 

As I roamed cities and historical sites, I asked the universe's energies to bring peace, answers, and delicious Ethiopian honey wine.  

Many sips (you caught me, cups) of wine and bouts of in-depth analysis later, I finally understood the why. The most crucial question was most certainly NOT “what if.” It is not that I have made the wrong choices in life. It is that I was not fulfilling my purpose. My gut was in distress because I was not happy and ate too much. 

I did not feel like I was contributing to the betterment of humanity.  I was focused on what society has told me, that I needed to make money above all else—I must-have status. I needed to gain influence. I needed to brush the dirt off my shoulders like Jay-Z.  Unfortunately, my choices did not produce the outcome I expected. I believed the hype, and it let me down. In chasing the financial dream, I lost sight of my soul. It was deprived of meaning and dying like an unwatered, forgotten plant in the home of a long-time hoarder.  

To get to the answer, I needed to really examine where I have been, where I wanted to go, and my talents.  It was clear that my journey has not followed the often preached and practiced formula of developing a career path. I sincerely struggled with this concept. I had many interests and curiosities I needed to pursue. Skills and talents I needed to utilize. Resisting these urges proved futile. Like a conflicted drug fiend, I needed a dose of variety, and I had to get it.  Picking just one path did not seem appealing. After all, in the words of hip-hop philosopher Drake: “You only live once, that's the motto ... YOLO”.

All right, fine! I explored my options at my leisure. Some of you may think that these arbitrary and perhaps chaotic choices caused or at least contributed to my dilemma. But alas, they are not. In fact, I may have come to this quarter-life crisis sooner if it was not for the joy I received by challenging myself in different industries and occupying jobs that relied on different skills. It is through these engagements that I learned much about what I do and do not want. The past helped me sharpen my skills and gain experience.

 The next piece I had to figure out is where I want to go, but first, how am I getting there? What do I bring to the table?

Here is where the cliche, follow your passion, comes in. I knew a few things about myself. I knew that I am passionate, sometimes to a fault. I am driven and a strategic thinker. I am smart (some may disagree). As a futurist ( no, not clairvoyant), I can see the future implications of most decisions. Leading comes naturally to me. I excel at anticipating problems and creating processes, procedures, and solutions. I am creative. I like to write, paint, play the keyboard - though not well, and dance. I also love practicing yoga, eating, and cooking - a harmonious match!  

It was crucial to assess my skills -the things I reign supreme - to understand the type of work I want to do. No longer will I be shacked to an industry, a degree, or employment history. I will capitalize on these skills!

I know I want the next chapter to be meaningful and one where each tool in my box of talents is utilized well and often. What is meaningful? one might ask, and the answer to that question is a subjective one. An endeavor that allows me to utilize all of my talents and one that is effortless because I enjoy it- is one worthy of my talents (like that confidence there, don't you!). 

And, Viola! Goodbye, unfulfilling engagements, hello satisfying ones.