Finding Pride 李光 ?????

Every week, someone on my team at Google chooses 10 questions and shares their answers to them with the rest of us - it’s been a great way to stay connected in a virtual world. My turn came earlier this month as Asian Heritage Month ended and 2SLGBTQ+ Pride Month began. I spent a week reflecting on the meaning of these two identities for me, and wrote a few short paragraphs culminating 10 years of work getting to know myself.

For a long time, I'd distanced myself from my Chinese heritage and my Queerness, but in recent years I’ve found pride in who I am, what I’ve accomplished, and my enduring resilience. It’s been so healing sharing these snippets of my life with my colleagues, close friends, and family these past few weeks. Now I’d like to share them more broadly, with the hope that my story can play a small role in helping normalize Queer, Mixed-Race experiences, and the sometimes complex journey to finding pride.

I hope you enjoy, find something to connect with, or at least feel you know me a little better reading them. Wishing you a Happy Pride! xoxo

#1 What do you consider your greatest achievement?

My resilience. I was born and raised in Toronto in a mixed race family - I’m half Chinese and half White. I'm the youngest of three boys (which I’m told makes a lot of sense), and I had a comfortable childhood growing up in Toronto. At surface level my journey seemed simple, but I've come to realize how complex it was growing up in a Mixed-Race family as a (closeted) Queer kid. I felt torn between multiple identities and struggled to find belonging. I held myself to a set of values that aligned with those of the predominantly White, affluent neighbourhood I grew up in, and I aspired to be what I saw in my White extended family. I believed my value hinged solely on my career success and I worked hard to be what society expected of me.

As a result, I for a long time identified as a White, Straight, privileged person who had a perfect family, access to a good education and a lot of good luck. I hid myself behind a set of braces, long curly hair, a pair of glasses, and a story I'd tell the world about who I was. It was only half-true, and I'd erased essential, beautiful parts of my identity in the process.

I started to find my footing, met my closest friends and came out as Gay in university, and shortly after I met David, my partner of now over 8 years. It’s been a beautiful journey. In 2020, almost a decade later,?I was ready to learn my Chinese family's story - everything they endured coming to Canada in search of a fulfilling and prosperous life. I'm so grateful I did, because it's brought me a newfound sense of pride in their resilience and my own. After 31 years, I know now that my greatest value is in knowing who I am - a Queer, Mixed Race person - and in what I bring to my relationships and my work as a result: resilience, deep compassion, empathy, and a desire to really know people. I hope those are values I can pass down to children one day.

#2 When was the last time you changed your belief about something major?

Learning my Chinese family history. I experienced a lot of shame as a young person because I looked different than kids in my neighbourhood. I hadn’t realized I’d been carrying that shame with me into my adult life until I learned this story, and began replacing it with immense pride.

There’s a monument outside the Skydome in Toronto - it’s a Memorial for the Chinese Railroad Workers, 17,000 immigrants who built the Canadian Pacific Railway from 1880 to 1885. 4,000 of them tragically died in the horrible working conditions. The figure at the bottom is my grandfather, Roy, modelling for the statue as my great great grandfather, Pon Git Cheng. In 1882, Pon Git Cheng paid a $200 head tax - a tax designed to prevent Chinese people from immigrating - to come to Canada. He worked on the railway for $1/day, enough to pay for his tools, food, before sending $40 back to his family in China. After the railway was complete, he couldn't afford to return to China so he found another job in Canada to save a bit while sending money to his family. Later in life, he’d saved enough to pay for his sons to come to Canada, but sadly not his wife.?

His son, my great grandfather, borrowed $1000 to pay additional head taxes to bring his wife and son to Canada before having three other children here. The eldest of them, my great uncle Jim, worked full-time at a restaurant to pay for each of his siblings to go to University, before doing so himself. My great Aunt Daisy was the first female graduate of University of Toronto’s aeronautical engineering faculty. In the 50s, she helped design the Avro Arrow, Canada’s supersonic jet, but was a hidden figure in history beside the men who also worked on it. My great uncles, Jim and George, were nuclear engineers that contributed to Canada’s efforts in World War 2. And my grandmother, Jenny, was a high school math teacher - she had one of the hardest and most important jobs in the world. I really miss her.

There’s a lot of pain in this story, but there’s also immense resilience and hope. Learning it has opened up a door to a newfound sense of pride in my identity as a Chinese person, and a newfound understanding of my family’s resilience that I now carry.?

#3 What is the most heartwarming thing you’ve seen, recently?

Heartstopper - a recent Netflix binge. It's the cutest. It’s the story of 2 Queer teens growing up, finding love, and feeling acceptance among their friends. I think it's one of the most compassionate, honest, and hopeful depictions of growing up Queer.

So often these stories focus on the trauma of coming out and experiencing homophobia, transphobia, and/or rejection by families. And while those stories are essential, I too sometimes crave a rom com that isn't depressing! I wish I’d had this show as I grew up. I never knew a spectrum of options for my gender presentation and sexuality, because it didn’t exist in my family or in the media I consumed as a young person in the 90s. Without knowing what might be possible, I defaulted to what was 'normal', which is what I saw on TV, in movies, and read in books. Representation really matters. This show made me so hopeful for the young Queer kids watching it at home.

#4 What do you most value in your friends?

A shared desire for growth and deeper, more meaningful connection. People are so interesting, and there’s nothing more energizing to me than the journey to get to really know someone - who they are, what shaped them, and then to give the same gift in return.

I'm a proud (and somewhat annoying) owner of Esther Perel's card game, Where Should We Begin. It’s kind of like Cards Against Humanity, but you share stories with each other. For me, a good night now includes a delicious meal, a few glasses (ok, a bottle) of wine and great conversation via this game.

#5 What was your dream job as a kid??

Actor. I’ve always had a dramatic flair! Growing up, I hid for a long time by playing a character I thought the world wanted to see. I know now that I don't need to act to be loved, I just need to show people who I really am.

#6 Are you usually early or late?

I am one hundred thousand percent always late, and I always will be (sorry, everyone). I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’m not wired to be on time for anything, ever.?

#7 What kind of art do you enjoy most?

I love music and especially a good concert. My lasting favourites are probably Stevie Nicks, Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, The Cranberries, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, ABBA … Some of my recent loves are Phoebe Bridgers, Lil Nas X, Troye Sivan, Kacey Musgraves, Harry Styles, and lately I am embracing my inner angsty teen and scream singing a lot of Avril Lavigne and Olivia Rodrigo.

#8 If you could have a never-ending candle that smelled like anything you wanted, what fragrance would you want it to be?

Santal 33 from Le Labo - I wear it everyday and spray it on literally everything.

#9 What songs have you completely memorized?

I love music, but I am TERRIBLE with lyrics, it’s super embarrassing. I used to think the lyrics to Alanis Morissette’s Head over Feet were “do you want me to run you over?” instead of “you’ve already won me over”. I remember melodies, not words. My 1 exception is Taylor Swift’s All Too Well (10 Minute Version), which I know top to bottom… then again, I also thought I knew the Alanis song.?

#10 What’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

New Zealand - it’s also my favourite country I’ve visited. I spent 2 months camping and adventuring there with my partner and our friends while on a 6-month sabbatical from my last job. I find nature really grounding and New Zealand provided the perfect backdrop for some of my most formative experiences as an adult.?