Finding POWER, in writing my truth

What I find extremely disheartening is when ANY black woman (myself included) ADVOCATES for themselves or speaks up about anything that makes them feel uncomfortable - there's a white person in charge who decides to SILENCE you (me).

It’s very very very unfortunate that first they assume that you don’t have the knowledge that you do have, then they ALWAYS follow up by sharing what they just started to do for the black community…as if we don’t SEE what they’ve done, aware of their initiatives, aware of their efforts. - It's all very commendable!

My question is...

WHY does my voice, my pain, my transparency, my candidness, my opinion, not ok? Is it because they’ve just been CHALLENGED by someone they always DEEMED to be underneath them??

It breaks my heart that once I speak up for myself - I’m then DEMONIZED. For example, in today’s email correspondence: At the end of this directors message (who I could call out - but today I’ll practice some decorum)….he says:?

Please refrain from including me and my organizations name in your unwarranted generalizations. It does not move anything forward in a POSITIVE or productive way.?

I scoff. I smirk. I chuckle. All before I BLOCK.?

What’s sad is that when I stated that I've worked for him in the past - I felt UNHEARD - that didn’t spark anything in him. And I also shared that I still felt UNHEARD now…after I was looked over for a HIGHER position that I’m beyond confident that I could do btw …he NEVER shared any type of empathy for me feeling unheard; he skipped over that part. I don’t even think he knew or even cared that I worked for the company in the past.

I honestly thought that things would be different after 7 years.?

Back to the subject at hand…this WHITE man didn’t care about how I felt, he cared more about sharing that he CELEBRATES BLACK ARTISTS twice a year! Lol He also stated that he personally recruited a person of color (black MAN), as his Studio Manager. (I was aware btw)?

Let's note: what’s even more problematic is that the black studio manager that he hired, knew my former best friend (black gay male) and said to him “I see she’s worked here before, but what did she do (wrong)?” This a conditional response to how there always has to be something wrong with Black Women and that we did something wrong - when in essence, we started a fire that they weren't ready for! :)

This director even stated that I chose to distort and misinterpret his email, when in actuality, isn’t this the norm for how black people are treated in this country? No one believes us, until someone “powerful” makes them believe??

This director also felt the need to say in a previous email that he selected the person for the role - internally, then in THIS email clapped back lol and decided to share that there were 2 POC that he approached before placing the ad that I applied for BUT, they weren't ready to take on the position. Interesting right??Sounds like 2 different stories.

I have the experience, my credentials were "impressive," I had an open availability, my cover letter stated that I was READY to move up in this position and lastly, I worked for the company before BUT!!! Again! I wasn’t enough.?I never even got an interview.

What makes this entry different than the last articles that spoke to employment, is how NO MATTER WHAT - they will always try to SILENCE you, whenever you make them feel uncomfortable. It's truly sad. I guess my name has to be Oprah or Beyonceé for them to want to hear me.?

To add, lots of white people always want to make it a thing, when they choose to say: I have black friends. HA! He said that in his email too!?

And he ends his email message with “RESPECTFULLY” - Ummmm no. I don't feel that you respect me in the least bit, by your email response.

Let me share how this could have went down, IF this white man’s ego wasn’t questioned … A CONVERSATION - This was another opportunity for him to let down his ego, his pride and say:?

Dionna, I’m sorry you felt that way in the past. You said you felt unheard - How so? Since you’ve been away from us, we’ve made huge strides in ensuring that our POC staff feels included. So why do you feel his way now? I’m SURE you know about our efforts in trying to highlight more Black Voices have been. You're a black woman who has worked for the company before and now that you’re back in New York - we do admire what you’ve done in the field, however (insert transparency (aka truth) here)?

Sorry for the INTERUPTION…

. . . apparently he's all over the place with how and why he chose who he did, instead of stating that “we’ll keep your info on file" (like I'm a random) SMH This actually means that you're just not what they want and they will probably never think of hiring you. (insert idk hands up emoji here)

So again, my voice was. . . in his words = unwarranted generalizations instead of wanting to speak with me and instead of thinking that MY opinion, MY voice is NEGATIVE, & instead of saying I'm “not moving anything in a positive way.”?

I’m disgusted and hurt once again because I’m?pushed aside because most WHITE people view positivity with the “step and fetch it” mentality, in the sense of us always thanking them and agreeing with everything they say, and just being happy that they paid us (my former white female employer said the same thing - that she didn't use me because she paid me). So I ask WHEN can I speak up, speak my truth, voice my opinion…when I’m “older” and deemed worthy by society? That shouldn’t be.?

If my “unwarranted generalizations” are wrong - in the hood, people may say “show me ni***!" In other words, show me the receipts or once again, show me why I'm wrong or ask me for a conversation.?

The FFFFd up thing about all this is MY fear of entering that space again, let’s say if my friend was teaching, rumors circulating within another WHITE dance community OR once again, being seen as THE PROBLEM, instead of ANOTHER SOLUTION. And what’s even more ffffffd up is that I do DESERVE to be in those “spaces” - I put in the work, but more importantly, I know how to inspire.

If you had to ask me to refrain from mentioning you and your organization- there must be some uncomfortable truth in what I shared. PERIODT!?

I guess I’m just tired of WHITE MEN and WHITE WOMEN viewing me as less than what I’m worth - A POWERFUL BLACK VOICE!!!

~Severely bruised but NEVER broken?