Finding Myself in the Fog: A Journey Through Depression and Leadership

It Ain't Always Sunshine and Rainbows

Last week, a realization washed over me: I was depressed. Since my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder, I've learned to recognize the signs of depressive episodes. But before, these feelings were hidden, a struggle to articulate or understand.

I felt I deserved to feel this way, even though I didn't know what I was experiencing. I felt inadequate in many roles in my life. The emotional weight would shift between hypomanic and depressed states, affecting my physical well-being.

The Pullback

So, what does this mean? Last week, I noticed myself withdrawing from family, friends, and my team as depression set in. This had started the week prior. Everything felt heavy. Even a simple phone call felt burdensome. I couldn't go for a walk. I chose to sit at my desk rather than stand.

I began to ask myself: How often am I truly listening to myself, physically, emotionally, and energetically?

Recognizing the Unspoken

A year into my bipolar diagnosis, I've become more aware of my feelings and symptoms. Depression doesn't completely debilitate me, but it does manifest in various ways. I have a loss of interest in activities that are typically easy. Insomnia. Changes in weight and appetite. Fatigue and lack of energy. I found myself pushing through, doing the bare minimum.

Recently, however, I've discovered the power of acknowledging and discussing my symptoms, allowing me to bounce back more quickly, beginning with awareness.?

Authenticity and Growth

Being true to myself means being honest about who I am, first to myself and then to others. Acknowledging and accepting my feelings without judgment has been invaluable in reconnecting with those I love and returning to work. I don't have to be perfect. After all, we are human.

Leading with Empathy

I am clear on my purpose: to lead by setting a good example - beginning with me. Empathy isn't just about understanding others; it's about understanding myself. Showing kindness to myself and my team creates a supportive environment.

Once I began empathizing with myself and no longer judging how I felt, I recognized my withdrawal as symptoms rather than decisions. I gained support and release by sharing my emotions with my wife and close friends. Acknowledging and putting words into my experience was a massive relief. After cancelling brunch twice with a friend of mine, we finally met up last week. He asked me how I was, and I said "blah." Shocked, he acknowledged that it was the first time I told him I was "less than well."

Adapting to Change

Adaptability means being open and willing to change as circumstances alter. Recognizing my depression allows me to adjust my approach to work, family, and friends. I'm learning to balance commitments and communicate needs effectively, reflecting comprehensive mental health strategies.

My Path Forward

Depression, bipolar disorder, and other mental health challenges don't have to hinder my pursuit of self-awareness, resilience, and leadership. They don't define me. They are manageable imbalances.

I can lead myself toward a more connected state of being by emphasizing authenticity, empathy, and adaptability. Both depression and hypomania can be seen as superpowers, not just obstacles. President Johnson was dropping bombs while depressed. Conversely, the Roman Emperor Claudius was building the aqueducts. I do not say, "I AM bipolar." I HAVE bipolar, and it's part of my experience but it doesn't define who I am.?

Our Journey Begins Now

Consider these principles in your own life. Have you faced mental health challenges in your leadership journey? Understanding mental health in its broader context can foster a compassionate and resilient leadership culture.

This is a journey, not a destination. I am willing to embark on it with you, wins, losses, and everything in between.