Finding My "Why" Again

For years, I had my “why” figured out. It was deeply ingrained in me, originated from my strong desire to better some of my family of origin’s situations in life, so when things shifted in my relationship with them, my “why” fell apart. And so did I. Briefly. Thank God for all the previous years of counseling and self-coaching, not to mention my amazing personal coach who helped me figure some pretty tough stuff out.

Until recently, my “why” just sort of floated around. Then I heard these words of wisdom: Contribution is independent of saving.

So let’s explore that a little. Warning: this gets deep, and vulnerable. I hope you stay with me.

Contribution. I was raised to be a good contributor to society. A catholic background, we went to church every Sunday, Midnight Mass each Easter and Christmas, so excited to hold lit candles and be all hopped up on candy and cookies.

Giving back to the community outside of the church, my mom always had us go to convalescent homes and cheer up those whose youth had passed by, we made gifts for the holidays, even Flag Day and Veterans Day, you name it, and we were there.

As an adult now, in my faith, contributing tithes to the Christian church where I am a member, giving to those in need on the side of the street, volunteering my time at local charities for the physically and mentally impaired.

I contribute. It was ingrained in the core of who I am as a child and it has never left me. As I mature and my abilities increase both fiscally and through my sphere of influence, so does my contribution and desire to contribute.

Let’s look at what my “why” was. For so many years, it was to “save” my family. See, working for others I finally earned enough to comfortably provide for myself and give a little back to them, but situations changed and they started needing more. This shifted from a role of contribution and abundance/giving for betterment to one of neediness and saving.

Eventually my “why” got bigger and became “I want to completely save them from any fiscal responsibility, so I don’t have to worry about them in any material sense.” Noble? Perhaps. Na?ve really. Because I later found out the money I was giving wasn’t going strictly to needs, it was going instead to other family members. Ones who didn't thank me, weren't so responsible or prudent, and didn't even really communicate with me. No matter how much I was giving, they felt like they needed more and more, and things were so expensive, and things would happen, and pop up, and I would give and give. As a result feelings of desperation, “saving”, and dependence grew.

My old pastor questioned me one day when I let something slip about a situation and I said, oh, no there’s no issue there and I kept on giving with a cheerful heart. But one day, when my living situation changed, my needs changed, and my eyes were opened to the situation. Not seen as abundantly generous, but there was some ugly energy from the family. When I so desperately needed emotional support and love and acceptance from all of them who so freely accepted money, I heard silence.

So I stopped. I shifted. I made a decision that I was going to put myself and my own needs first, and the contribution would come when it truly came from a place of giving, and a place of soulful truth, both from me, the giver, and the recipient. Before that happened though, I made some physical shifts in my life. I transformed from someone earning well over 6 figures to a single digit earner supplementing with credit cards starting out a new business. I went back to school. I earned certifications in coaching. I self-coached. I learned why I was doing some of the activities I was doing. And I forgave myself as I accepted what was going on.

So, saving. Let’s examine it. We want to save the world do we? Well, the world doesn’t need saving. Shocked? Don’t be. The world has been around for 4.5 billion years. Humans have been around on it about 200,000 years. I can’t even do math that high anymore. We are like a pin prick size on the scale of an entire needle if the earth was the needle and we were the end point.

The earth can fend for itself. I often think it’s minorly annoyed with us humanoids and the responses we see today are corrective action like a burp after a full and spicy meal. Can you imagine what life will be like in a hundred years if we keep cutting down trees and pumping out excess waste? I digress. Thinking about those bad scallops I had in Miami last year. Ahem. Sorry about that.

Back on track, saving. So when we move from a place of contribution, brightening up someone’s day, to a place of saving, we change the energy from one of giving from our perspective of overflow of goodness and abundance, to one that sees the person place or thing as something that needs saving. That perhaps sees or senses desperation, lack, inability or feels pity. That sees helplessness, or even sees ourselves as superior. In the instance with my family, I didn’t necessarily put myself in a place of superiority, but over the years of having been in a fiscally superior position, perhaps it seemed that way.

When I stopped the flow of money, the emotional support that I had previously enjoyed and depended on stopped its reciprocity as well. Perhaps I will never know if it was genuine cause and effect, but I do understand the struggle of coping with being alone, owning my truth of standing in the principle of “that’s not right” and knowing I will never go back to a place of over-giving again. Nor will I feel burdened with “saving” people who don’t want to be saved, who must save themselves, and who cannot understand nor appreciate a place of giving from generosity and contribution for contributions’ sake. You know those acts of random kindness? Anonymous giving feels soul good.

Uncovering all of this, pondering it without hearing a truth from the past, I am forced to reflect on other concepts, those of roles that people play in relationships, what we see ourselves as, whether we are the hero in the story that we write in our heads or the victims of circumstance. I know for me, in my life, I choose to be the one who seeks truth, compassion, understanding, and clarity; who would not like to be pigeon holed into thinking I am one or the other. As for the silence on the line, it feels really good now. It’s been over nine years since the turbulence truly began in my family of origin and this time I am really free, I am liberated, able to lift the veil and choose a new why, one for myself, one that fits, and fits really good.

I know what I will contribute fiscally to whom when I reach the highest points in life again, who has shown themselves to be of uprightness in character and I love the way that feels. I understand why I was sabotaging myself when I was out-earning my family, and I am free of that too! I absolutely LOVE life without limits and my “why” has shifted so dramatically these past two years.

As I move through life, I pray that I inspire people who are living in shame, guilt, fear, and comparison to let go and shed those layers of pain to start living authentically. I hope to help people strengthen their inner confidence to step into the roles in life they have only dreamed about. Discovering unique abilities and talents that each and every soul was gifted with in different measures to achieve their purpose here on earth in the time frames gifted in terms of a lifetime; to live with joy, compassion, and a clear viewpoint that provides for peace, serenity, and inner clarity of ones’ own soul and the souls of those around them. Clearing the lenses from doubt, fear, lack of confidence or trust, to enable decisions to come from a place of clear perspectives for keen insights; whether they involve a colleague, a partner, a client, or a child… I don’t want to save the world, I want to contribute. One step at a time, I want to contribute to a better, happier, more joyful humanity ON this planet.  And by doing so, the planet will remedy in kind.