Finding my courage

Courage.

That's not a word that I ever associated with myself. Brave, maybe. Stubborn, sure. Foolhardy? Definitely more than once. But never courage. In fact I'd often considered myself to be a bit of a coward.

For the better part of a decade now, I've had people ask me when I'd go solo, set up my own agency, do my own thing. The answer was always, "never" and I was happy to own up as to why. I'm too scared, too much of a coward to take such responsibility for my own destiny, etc etc.

The reality is, that despite how outgoing I may appear and how self-confident and even assertive I may come across, I'm chronically insecure and have spent most of my life avoiding confrontation. That's the legacy of a childhood of being bullied I suppose - I must fit in and do my best to adhere to the status quo and not appear different for fear of what might happen. But since discovering I'm autistic about seven years ago, that's slowly stopped being enough, if it ever really was in the first place - because I am fundamentally, irreversibly (despite what some idiots on the Internet might say), different.

In the last few years I've tried to harness that difference and I've ended up in roles where a key part of what I do is try and drive change, or make things a little better in some way every day. I began to think of myself as a professional misfit, a dissenter whose job is to question if what we're doing today is right for the challenges we might face tomorrow - because I literally experience the world differently to most people, giving me a somewhat unique perspective. Last year I listened to this podcast featuring Adam Grant where he talked about the creative power of misfits - and while I may not identify myself as being conventionally creative, creativity comes in different forms and the underlying message was something that really resonated with me. (Please listen - link below!)

On my journey to trying to harness this unique perspective to drive change, I hit a bunch of stumbling blocks. It can be really hard, not to mention isolating to sometimes be the only misfit, pointing out what needs to change. Often companies in need of help like the sound of someone like me, to come in and improve things, but the reality of being asked to examine where they may have fallen short often proves too much - and due to my being on the spectrum, I don't always have a good enough grasp of body language, or a strong enough survival instinct to know when to shut up. Sometimes even when I do know, I'll say it anyway - because surely if it's the right thing to do, people won't let their egos get in the way, right?

Oh glorious naivety. (Or maybe uncharacteristic optimism and faith in humanity... I'm not sure.) Every time I think I have a handle on what I want to do next, something comes along and knocks the stuffing out of me - making me totally question myself, my skills and whether I'm even on the right path - thus fuelling my cowardliness.

One of the things I've been doing in addition to work is getting involved with initiatives that boost inclusion - they may be focused on closing the gender gap, teaching digital skills to kids, or speaking out about neurodiversity and mental health to try and drive wider conversations. As part of this and working in digital more broadly, I've been privileged to spend time with some truly incredible women who are doing worthwhile, amazing things. Over time, some of what they say sinks in,

"Be the change you want to see in the world",

"You can't be what you can't see",

"Work out what your North Star is in terms of principles and values, and follow it",

"Feel the fear and do it anyway",

The more I've spent time around some brilliant entrepreneurs (and I'm fortunate to know so many female bosses), the more possible it's begun to seem that maybe I could do it too. People who would know, would tell me that there's a definite need for what I saw as my particular set of skills and that the need was likely to increase. So I began to seriously think about it. What would I actually offer? How much money would I need to make and how does that match with what people might be willing to pay, and it began to look scarily, weirdly possible.

In the last few months I've made some of the most random connections, some of whom have given me brilliant advice and helped me feel like going solo could work, and even if it didn't, what's the worst that would happen? I go out and get a job like before. It's not like jobs in this day and age are for life anyway - nothing is guaranteed and at least on your own, you might have a little more control over your own destiny.

Then sometimes you get a push. One of those "now or never" moments. And this was where I found myself a few weeks ago. I had a plan for something that could work and suddenly the time to give it a try. If I didn't do it now, I probably never would.

And so, I've done it. Tempest is born (although is it really, if it doesn't have a website yet? Serious existential question). And I am terrified, particularly by The Fear (anyone who's read Kirsty Hulse's brilliant book will be well acquainted with TF. Some fear, can be a powerful motivator - much in the same way that I like a little bit of nerves before I give a talk onstage - it helps me do my best. But I'm now faced with an entirely different challenge to when I worked for anyone else - now I am the product. I have to market and sell myself and my results - which is (un)surprisingly difficult for an autistic introvert with Imposter Syndrome to do.

Helpfully, I was able to attend one of Kirsty's amazing Confidence Workshops last week, where everything we learn is rooted in neuroscience, so we know it works. It was an incredibly powerful day as well as being quite cognitively draining (in a good way). Learning more about how the brain makes connections and how hard it can be to undo those connections once they're made, helps you understand why it's so hard to change our thinking. By the time girls are 12 years old, we have a huge amount of the hardwiring that affects us in adulthood, which is both a terrifying thought, but suddenly explains so much.

Kirsty teaches us that confidence is a skill you learn and I feel like courage is similar, in addition to going hand in hand. She reminds us that we can't be everything to everyone - and despite my often likening myself to Marmite (because people either love or hate me), I still have a desire to have everyone like me (probably because 12-year old Arianne had no friends and was desperately lonely) - but I've realised that I don't need that to succeed or be happy. Instead I should be focusing on the people who will like, resonate with, or find value in what I have to say or offer.

It sounds obvious and simple, but I suspect that for many of you, like for me, it's not. It is hard to be unique and go a different way to most people - it goes against our wiring for connection, as humans are inherently social animals, but I know that if I look hard enough, I will find other animals like me. I often talk about what I want to do with my career as being some sort of unicorn job that probably doesn't exist, but at least now I have the courage to go out and properly look for it.

One of the final things that Kirsty asks us to do is to write down the attributes that we value in ourselves, to help identify what we want to be known for - like that horrid interview question of, "how would your friends describe you?", but good. This was really hard to do as I have such horrendous negative self-talk, but it highlighted the qualities I hope to try and bring to this fledgling business and to life more broadly. I'm:

1. Honest
2. Kind
3. Vulnerable
4. Organised
5. Brave
6. Integrity
7. Authentic
8. Supportive
9. Determined
10. Challenging
11. Fair
12. Hard-Working

Maybe now I'll add Courageous to the list. Thank you to everyone who helped me find it along the way.

P.S. You should totally get Kirsty in to do some confidence and/or communication training for your business!

P.P.S. Just reminded myself about marketing... if you like the sound of some of these qualities and really want to drive change in your business, let's chat ??