Finding A Leadership Voice

For a moment there, I thought perhaps I had lost my voice.

For months now, I’ve come to write, and not found the right words. There was a moment over the summer where I came close to burn out, so I had to take time off and consider. Consider whether I could keep up with the pace, and whether I could handle the ongoing growing pains.

But also - I’ve been reflecting a lot on myself as a leader, and what leadership even means. And whether I am a good one. Or even a good enough one.

It’s no surprise that traditional gender dynamics defined leadership for a long time. Many “traditionally male” traits were associated with “stronger” leadership - such as assertiveness, decisiveness, etc, and many “traditionally female” ones, like being nurturing, empathetic, intuitive, collaborative — with more supporting roles.

I find myself constantly wishing for more of the former, while ending up more of the latter. Consistently ending meetings wishing I was more firm, more decisive, and wondering whether anyone actually does — or ever will — acknowledge me as an authority figure. And then questioning all the underlying assumptions that lead me down that train of thought and realizing it has little to do with actual gender, but all with how we were conditioned [at least partially due to gender identities] as children.

I’m a part of several communities for female founders and female business owners, and increasingly, I’ve been invited to more and more events only for women (including a brag lunch !) which just makes me question - what has been and still is happening in society that women need women-exclusive spaces in order to feel safe and supported, and be able to relearn skills that should not - but do - feel out of reach at times. Things that sound easy. Like being proud of your accomplishments. Like introducing yourself in a confident way. Or sometimes - simply embodying spaces where women are not usually welcome.

What I find perhaps the most surprising about the founder journey is just how demanding it is on the personal growth side of things. Sure - the practicalities of starting a company are challenging. But nothing - in my life at least - has even come close to asking so much of me so quickly.

It’s like the strangest form of therapy - a start up demands that you question your assumptions about who you are, what you can do, believing in something that doesn’t exist and - perhaps most difficult - letting go of labels that you may have carried for a long time but no longer fit, and making room for new labels.

It’s uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure if you marinate in the discomfort long enough, it seeps into your pores and becomes a part of you.

I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of combining opposites. I remember as a preteen-teen I really questioned the idea that you could be either pretty or smart (Jeez - remember middle school? Yikes…) As a founder I find myself constantly walking a fine line between being incredibly confident about what we’re doing, while also being totally open to pivoting completely at any moment. Wanting to be collaborative and open to new ideas and paths, but also strategic and decisive. Assertive, but also empathetic. Sometimes, my embrace is just not big enough to hold space for everything all at once, but I’m learning. And I think the fact that I am at least trying and thinking about this, is an important first step.

What is the secret sauce that makes a good leader?

Sure, expertise, experience, charisma are all good. But what truly differentiates a leader? I used to think leadership was all about having the Perfect Plan.

Perhaps it’s the project manager side of my brain, but I always thought that leaders have this magic skill of just figuring out what needs to happen, what everyone should do, and then just inspire everyone to go ahead and do that.

But now I know better.

At least in these early stages, sometimes the Perfect Plan spontaneously combusts and burns everything to the ground.

And now I think the true value and skill of a leader is not in the perfection of the plan, but in the flexibility to plan and replan continuously until something clicks, and your team is able to move forward, even if its a tiny inch at a time, and then repeat that … forever.

And the ability to do that while smiling.

Smiling, even though your hand is still burnt from the last plan going up in flames.

Smiling, because everything is fine. Better than fine - everything is just as it should be.

Inhale - Exhale, move forward.

?? If you're an early stage founder, know that you are not alone. If you know an early stage founder - reach out to them. Let's support each other as we build the future together. Let's not go alone.

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