Finding Lazy Role Models

An Idea for Consideration

When picking my kids up from after-care last week, one of the staff members who was managing the door asked, “What do you have planned for the weekend?”

I said, “Nothing, hopefully.”

He didn’t believe me, arguing, “When you’re married with kids, you always have something to do, somewhere to go, or something to fix.”?

I’m sure he was just making small talk, but I couldn’t let it go. I said, “Nah!”?

Luckily, my kids then appeared at the door, rescuing us both from a pointless debate.?

The exchange made me recall many conversations during recent reunions about how busy people felt. Yet when they described what made them busy, it was all completely optional—mostly things like kids’ activities and travel sports.?

The striking thing was that these activities felt mandatory to them. There was seemingly no option other than to participate.?

In contrast, Timothy Carney wrote an opinion piece for the Washington Post called “The ideal number of kids in a family: Four (at a minimum) .” Carney is pro-family and believes that large families are great for society. I’m retired from the child creation game, so I’m not taking Carney’s advice on family size, but he makes an interesting point about how having a large family might make parenting easier. He writes:

“‘How do you do it?’ As parents of an unusually large brood, my wife and I get that question a lot. Sometimes I respond by bragging about my mass-produced breakfast sandwiches and zoo-trip techniques. But if I’m honest… [a truer answer] is that we don’t do a lot of things: travel sports, twee Saturday morning arts and crafts, Disney World.”

In the book Family Unfriendly, Carney makes the larger point that an intense approach to parenting and work hinders the ability to achieve higher values like faithfulness, meaning, and joy—not to mention that it makes us a little less sane! My favorite line from the book: “Most American parents could benefit (themselves and their kids) from ignoring their children a bit more and trying a bit less hard.”

A critical part of Carney’s argument is that we respond to the signals of those around us. When you live in a community where people have large families, you have models of how to do it. And when your social circle is filled with people doing intensive parenting and aggressive careers, it’s easy to decide those are “normal” ways of operating.

I was talking with a friend and colleague about how this shows up in executive coaching. We both described seeing people who expressed dissatisfaction with the pace of their work or home life but felt powerless to opt out or choose a different path. They also didn’t have readily accessible models of alternative success, causing their desired approach to feel scary and counter-cultural, and making them hesitate to pursue a different approach.

My conclusion: We need lazy role models!

“Lazy” might not be the right label for you—perhaps balanced, authentic, or not sleep-deprived would be more appropriate. But once we decide to live in a way that runs counter to the norm, it’s worth proactively searching for mentors whose example can make those counter-cultural decisions feel reasonable, safe, and achievable.

Leadership Wisdom

“‘Have lower ambitions for your kids’ is a motto I came up with many years ago for reminding parents that D-I scholarships, MVP trophies, and first-chair clarinet may be good things, but for many parents and kids, striving for them will not maximize happiness. The motto is also a joke. Our ambitions for our kids ought to be astronomical, if we’re talking about the things that truly matter. As a Catholic, my ambition for my children is the highest: that they share in the glory of God for eternity in heaven. In more secular terms, my ambition for them is to develop the virtues that lead to a life of meaning, lasting satisfaction, and true happiness. It doesn’t get much higher than that.”

— Timothy Carney, in Family Unfriendly

Something Fun

Peak Lazy Sunday :

Thanks for reading!

Charles

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