Finding Heart

“Even though you’ve let us sink down with trials and troubles, I know you will revive us again, lifting us up from the dust of death. Give us even more greatness than before. Turn and comfort us once again.”?Psalm 71: 20-21(TPT)

Many nights she groaned in agony not because of the pain in her belly but the pain in her heart. She couldn’t find heart, no desire whatsoever to look for it. Why? because it caused her so much trouble. It was like a heavy stone on her chest pressing her deep into the sea of despair. It made her procrastinate, it made her waver in unbelief, booths of negative thoughts about the worst case scenarios, what now? She who once saw clearly couldn’t see anything again. I’m not talking about seeing what is, I’m talking about seeing what could be. She’d lost that capacity or so she thought.?

That heavy stone on her chest weighed of bitterness, rage, angst, and somehow glimmers of hope that something good would come out of all these trials. She was struggling with herself, she wanted to obey God by forgiving, by letting go and by losing control but it was tough..arrgggghhhh…her ego wouldn’t budge. Yet, she knew that God resisted the proud and giveth grace to the humble. So she started to pray and ask for grace to find her way back to heart, back to how it all began, back to day one.?

Then she found herself oscillating between hope and despair, between joy and anxiety, between the past and the future. Yet in the present, she couldn’t wait for the day to end so that she could run away into sleep. At least, it cushioned the terrors, the mental agony and the hardship she was going through. She dreaded waking up even though she didn’t want to die just yet.

In darkness, seeds die to germinate and sprout new life. In the deepness of the earth, in? the heat and the pressure are diamonds formed. The seed she was could no longer go further on this journey, she must die to her old self in order to sprout into the new who will grow and multiply and fill the world with the abundance of God inside her. She now began to get it, in the crushing, in the pressing, Jesus was making new wine out of her. She was a fruitful branch but now Jesus was pruning her to make her bear much more fruit. She realized indeed that she was a steward of everything entrusted to her. Then she prayed once more asking God for grace to defeat her old self, her inner pride and her desire to be in control of everything. She asked for grace to forgive and forget. She asked the LORD to help her find heart again so that she would do His will not hers.?

Suddenly, her joy was restored, she was sober, equanimous and she could hear her heart drumming with faith in God. What she thought was lost was slowly but surely coming back to life - her heart she found in the arms of Jesus as she surrendered in the rest He gives to all who will ask Him to save and keep their hearts in Him.?

“Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Matthew 11:28 (TPT)

Song recommendation: Rest by Kari Jobe