Finding happiness again after the loss of a loved one

On November 22nd, 2020, I had just finished putting up my Christmas decorations, those who know me well can vouch for how super organised I like to be!

I had just put the last minor details on my handmade Grinch window decoration together when I received a telephone call to say my mum suddenly passed away.

This day changed my life forever, I instantly became a carer for my disabled aunt, a guardian for my little brother, and a hollow version of myself. It was the middle of the Coronavirus pandemic and it felt like a vortex was coming out of my stomach with grief.

Losing a parent at any age alters you both biologically and psychologically as nothing is ever the same again.

For some, when a loss is expected, you have the ability to surround yourself with a support network, prepare as best you can and say your goodbyes. In cases when a parent passing is unexpected, this can lead to denial and anger for extended periods of time which can lead to a major depressive disorder or even PTSD.

Grief can put your entire body at risk, some studies have shown that this grief can cause a variety of medical issues such as immune disorders, cardiac issues, unresolved grief, and even cancer. This is because your body can be stuck in fight or flight mode which can eventually cause long-term genetic changes.

Changes such as an activated sympathetic nervous system, a dampened immune response, and less pre-programmed cell death would be useful, if, you are late for your flight and have to run super-fast to make it to the gate on time, or, you have been out for a swim in the ocean and realise you need to head back inland a bit because the current is becoming too strong. Left unchecked though, this cellular de-regulation is how cancerous cells metastasize.

There is never a right way to deal with grief or a particular emotion you have to feel as everybody is different. Feelings can show in a variety of ways including sadness, emptiness, numbness, anxiety, anger, rage, guilt, regret, and remorse. For me, throwing myself into work was how I kept my mind busy, but for some, it is also normal to withdraw from daily activities, socialising, and become a recluse.

Not being able to say goodbye, not being able to hug anybody, not being able to read facial expressions due to masks, and many other factors made this time of life unbearable. The stress was then heightened by the idea of going from losing my mum in these circumstances, unable to act normal, holding in the tears, trying not to cry and cough out loud due to the looks and sighs from people around me, thinking I’m going to spread the virus, to then being expected to go and work in an open-plan office in a large team was a shock to the system.

Throughout this entire period my husband has been my rock, often left feeling helpless himself but always there for me no matter what.

It is important for anyone who has experienced a loss of any sort, to be kind to yourself, let yourself heal, don’t try to conquer all of your emotions, and definitely don’t feel guilty for wanting to be happy again!

The festive season can be a difficult time for a variety of reasons, so even if you’re feeling a bit under the weather, I hope some of my tips below can at least make you feel a bit better.

My top tips to help you try and find your happiness again:

1.??????Communicate

Talking through things can help you release any tension. When you hold things in, it can cause more stress than you need. If you can talk to people about it, this can help strengthen your relationships and provide a network of support when you need it most. Share things with the people you trust enables you to connect with one another on a deeper level.

If you feel that you don’t have anyone you feel comfortable with, many people find talking to a counselor can help significantly.

2.??????Try and remain resilient

This is one of the hardest things, but the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. You could try doing something to help others or try to problem-solve creatively.

You could use your experiences to write a song, create a drawing, journal your thoughts or even try singing.?There are many benefits to singing, it can make you feel better, helps with pain relief, helps you relax and combat stress, helps you express yourself, and many other things.

3.??????Try and get enough sleep

The average amount an adult needs to sleep is approx. 7 to 8 hours a day in order for the mind to fully rest.

I personally enjoy listening to audiobooks to help me get into the resting state in preparation for sleeping. If your mind is very busy, then writing a to-do list before you go to sleep can help you get your thoughts down and clear your mind of distractions.

4.??????Try to have a healthy lifestyle

Eating a well-balanced diet, limiting your alcohol intake and regular exercise can help you feel emotionally stronger. When you choose to do something positive for yourself, this will in turn lift your self-esteem.

Try to choose an exercise that you enjoy, that way, you are more likely going to keep it up and start to have fun.

5.??????Boost your self-esteem

Along with the above point, another great way to boost your self-esteem is to value yourself.

Look in the mirror and say something about yourself, if this is something negative, then ask “would I say that to my best friend?”, instead treat yourself in the same way you would treat your most valued friends. Positive affirmations can work wonders.

6.??????Enjoy yourself

It is ok to find a new hobby you enjoy or do something that energizes you. I took up roller skating and have loved every moment of it.

Doing things you enjoy is great for your emotional wellbeing, it could be watching a game with your friends, having a soak in the bath, reading a book, going on a walk in nature, cooking, or dancing.

If you choose to do something you are good at, this can be a great way to enable yourself to have a sense of achievement.

If you are suffering a loss and don’t feel you have or can overcome it, remember there is always hope. You can find support that is right for you at The Hub of Hope.