Finding Grace

In a broken world, it can be very hard to look at others through the lens of best intentions. Interpersonal conflict, in my opinion is one of the hardest things to navigate, and not many people want to deal with it, myself included. It isn’t comfortable, and avoidance seems like a viable option more often than not.

Disagreement presents itself in just about every aspect of our lives. It happens in our professional lives with our colleagues. It happens in our personal lives with our friends and family. I have found that some of the most polarizing disagreements come with those that we are closest with. Family dynamics are tricky, especially when politics come into the fold. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even want to discuss politics because it inevitably creates tension and conflict.

In my professional life I am a leader of a division of 15 full time staff and an additional 50-75 part-time and seasonal staff. In my personal life, I have a huge close and extended family on my side and the same on my wife’s side. Through both of these avenues, interpersonal conflict presents itself in many different ways. When these issues arise, one of my go to pieces of advice is to assume the best intentions. More often than not, we all have the best intentions and 99.9% of people in this world are good people. What creates interpersonal conflict is the perspective behind those intentions.

I also know that this is way easier said than done. When you feel personally attacked, or are very passionate about the importance of a certain issue, it is hard to look at where the opposition is coming from and assume their intentions are genuine. So how do we practically navigate interpersonal conflict? We find grace.

A simple definition of grace is courteous goodwill. How do we find grace when so often it seems elusive?

Finding grace for others involves cultivating empathy, patience, and a sense of humility in how we approach relationships and interactions. It’s a practice of understanding and forgiveness, even when it’s challenging. Here are some steps to help foster grace:

1. Acknowledge the humanity in everyone. Even the most detestable people you can think of are still human. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, has flaws, and carries unseen burdens. This realization can soften judgment.
2. Accept imperfection in others. Just as you’re not perfect, neither is anyone else. By acknowledging that everyone is on a learning journey, it becomes easier to offer grace when people fall short.
3. Release expectations. Often, we get upset because others don't meet our expectations. Being flexible and open to the fact that people may act differently from what we expect can help us show more grace.
4. Forgive yourself and others. Holding onto grudges or past mistakes is one of the hardest things to do, I know for me it is extremely hard. But in all honesty, what is it accomplishing that is positive? Absolutely nothing. While not easy, forgiveness is a conscious choice to let go of resentment.
5. Separate the person from the action or opinion. This is another really hard thing to do. We so often associate someone directly with their behavior or opinions. Even if you don’t agree with or condone someone’s behavior, you can still offer grace by separating their actions from their inherent worth.
6. Recognize your own faults. Understanding your own limitations and mistakes helps you become more patient with others. It’s easier to extend grace when you remember how much you’ve needed it yourself.

Grace is freely given, not earned, and in its embrace, we are set free. free from the weight of our past, and free to become all we were meant to be.