Finding the courage to talk about my mental (ill)health

Luckily, up until a couple of years ago I’ve always had really good mental health.

But then, rather suddenly, that all changed for me. There was no single trigger, but as I look back, ultimately, I know why I fell into my depression. It was all about my values being compromised. And then a lack of (self-)intervention to address my issues saw me spiral.?

Despite growing up in a very loving, values-oriented, household, I first properly thought about my own values during an interview for my first leadership role at easyJet . It was an incredibly formative experience as the interview consisted of 1 question: “what are your values?” Not only do I think it is an inspired interview question / technique, what’s truly amazing about Peter Duffy ’s leadership is that he consistently held me to my answer. He challenged me when he suspected I wasn’t staying true to the values I’d told him were most important to me. I hope Peter knows how impactful his mentorship has been on my career – none more so than through this act of leadership.

Fundamentally, my answer to that question was that I aspire to be a people-first leader, and more specifically, that family comes first for me.

Another huge influence on my approach to work has been the Forward Institute . Through their Responsible Leadership programme, I met Geoff McDonald and alongside Karen Cox and Stuart M. , was so inspired by Geoff's leadership on Mental Health in the workplace that we launched an organisational change challenge on that topic. Geoff speaks so much sense on this subject, but one of the things he majors on is the link between Purpose (/ values?), mental, emotional and physical health.

So fast forward a few years, a number of roles and a new company and I found myself travelling a huge amount for work whilst at British Gas . There was one month last year where I spent 3 nights in my own bed, inclusive of weekends. And being away from my kids that much seriously compromised my own personal values. I felt like I was letting them down. And when I was at home with them, I put myself under huge pressure to be the best Dad I could be. But because I was so tired, I felt like I was failing at that and giving myself a hard time for doing so which is all very destructive.

Looking back, it’s clear I was struggling with depression for a number of months. That started affecting my physical health as I started getting severe headaches on a daily basis. Still, I tried to keep my pain to myself. Obviously Philly Middleton could see what was happening to me and did all she could to support me, but beyond that, I kept it totally to myself. My depression got so severe that there were times where I thought about whether Philly and the boys would be better off without me. I started experiencing pretty intense anxiety and found I couldn’t sleep more than about 4 hours a night.

It was only when I started getting nerve pain in my hand that I found an excuse to go and see a doctor. It took real courage – and I really mean courage - for me to open up to the doctor. But doing so got me the help that I needed to start getting better. It’s not been an easy road – I’ve definitely had plenty of bad days amidst the good, but I’m now a lot clearer on my triggers and how to balance what I’m doing to keep my energy positive.

And movement is a big part of that. Getting out in the fresh air, getting some exercise, makes a big difference for me. When I travel with work, I always take my trainers as it’s a good way of me recalibrating my energy. Reconnecting with what’s important to me. That act of “movement” doesn’t need to be high intensity, it doesn’t need to be going for a run. Often, for me, going for a walk, or stretching, is just as effective a means of me getting the perspective I need.

Whilst this year’s theme is movement, it’s worth emphasising the very most important thing you can do when struggling with mental health is getting proper, professional, help. For me, finding the bravery to admit that I needed help was the hardest thing to do. But that stigma that was holding me back was all in my own head. My employer – Centrica – looked after me brilliantly as soon as I reached out for help. The health system provided the care and support I needed. As soon as I started to open up about the struggles I was dealing with, my health started to improve.

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The image at the top of this article perfectly represents what dealing with my challenges looked like. It was just after I started opening up about the pain I was in. Philly and I summitted Ben Vorlich at quite the pace, spending quality time together, being totally open with one another, whilst getting the heart rate going.

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As I’ve reflected on the story I have to tell about my own mental health challenges, the thing I find scariest is how banal it is. There wasn’t a big dramatic trigger. Really, there were just a series of circumstances that combined in such a way that I didn’t handle particularly well and despite knowing of a huge array of resources available to me to help, I ignored them and was taken down a spiral that became harder to climb out of.

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I hope that the telling of my story might help others avoid the pain they might otherwise spiral into