Finding Commonality: Discovering Our Common Ground

Do you remember a time when you were acutely aware that you didn’t belong?

I do.

As a parent, my awkward and sometimes-painful moments of childhood come rushing back as I watch my daughter navigate them herself. I know you remember them too. We all do. At some point, someone made a comment about our hair, the color of our skin or our family. At some point, we felt different and rejected.

Guess what? We are different. While there is just as much value in our uniqueness, our best hope of healing the divisiveness in today’s society is by shifting our focus from our differences to our commonalities. 

How much time do we spend exploring the ways that we are alike?

When I go to someone’s house or meet strangers, the usual interaction begins with, “Hi, my name is Johnny. What’s yours?” I ask where they grew up, where they went to school or where they work all in an effort to find a common experience or characteristic. That is how I build conversations, connections, and relationships.

What I’ve learned over time is that it’s not enough to just tolerate someone’s differences. It’s not enough to tolerate humans in general. Tolerance alone is not enough. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a society that is simply more tolerant. I want a society where my Black daughter is accepted. Where she doesn’t feel the need to change something about herself in order to fit in, feel safe or succeed. Where she BELONGS.

Belonging is one of our most basic human needs according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which states that our needs as individuals can be broken down into:

• Self-fulfillment (achieving one’s full potential)
• Psychological (esteem, belongingness, and love)
• Basic (safety and physiological)

When our lower level needs, like love and belonging, are met, we progress to higher level needs like self-actualization. Belonging helps us see the value in our life and our work and enables us to cope with stressful and painful situations.

Isn’t that what we all want? To belong? To know that we’re part of a community? To know that our life matters in the context of humanity?

When people feel like they don’t belong, it affects their overall wellbeing and how they move through the world around them. They hide things about themselves that they think might not appeal to others. They invest in things they don’t care about. They live in a way that isn’t in line with their own truths.

I’ve been there. You’ve been there. And it’s safe to say our country is there right now. In the midst of COVID-19, political tension, and racial injustice, we are isolated, divided, and keenly aware of the things that separate us from each other.

I’d say that belonging matters to us now as much as ever.

The crises of this year have shown us where we are most broken, but they also revealed how little it takes to bring about transformative change. And big change starts with people. It starts with empathy. It starts by discovering our common ground with those we interact with every day. 

Folks, we can do that right now. 

As we careen toward an election and the end of this wild year, I hope you remember this: we are all connected and we all belong here. Every single one of us. The sooner we soften into our commonalities, the sooner we can heal the space that divides us.