Perfectionism, imperfection and acceptance

Every week, I sit down with a coffee and a few ideas to write something that I find interesting, about myself or the world, with the intention of exploring myself, the dynamics of people and how we can all be just a little bit better.? I hope it can help others as well.? I tend to write fairly quickly, but then spend a fair amount of time re-reading, questioning, re-writing and questioning some more.? At one point, I have to tell myself that it is good enough and move on, but I find that difficult.? I am putting myself on the page.? This is me and sometimes the pressure I put on myself is high.? When I finally press “save” or “send” or “post” on each article, I hope that I caught all the typos and inconsistencies, but I know that it will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try.? That doesn’t stop me from seeing the mistakes later, ruminating on how it could have been better and tempting me to go on a cycle of endless editing.? Luckily for me, I have learned how to let go and be ok with what I have put out in to the world.? I have learned to tame the perfectionist in me.

Are you a perfectionist?? While I don’t see myself as a strict perfectionist by any means, I am also not the most empathetic person in the world, so it really helps me to learn about what certain feelings might be all about, and especially how others who are perfectionists feel about certain situations.? In my quest to practice empathy, I find it illuminating to better understand behaviours I have around me, not just mine.? And for those who say I sound like a robot when I practice, I am happy you noticed that I am trying.? ?? We can spend another day chatting about my internal dialogue.

In a podcast called “Is perfectionism ruining you life? ”, 3 different kinds of perfectionism are discussed that I wanted to learn about and share here: self-oriented, socially-prescribed and other-oriented.? So, the pressure we put on ourselves, the pressure we feel from others and the pressure we put on others.? The first, self-oriented, which simply means we are hard on ourselves.? This can actually be a good thing, putting pressure to improve our performance and fostering a strong work ethic to achieve our goals.? But, it also has downsides.

“It does contain a lot of what we might ostensibly consider to be really adaptive properties — high drive and internal desire to be perfect and shoot for really high standards. But the real issue is that there is an inability within self-oriented perfectionism to derive any lasting satisfaction from any accomplishment, because essentially what self-oriented perfectionism keeps us doing is looking in a forward direction and never allows us to savor, never allows us to acknowledge and appreciate what we have achieved”

Finding the balance in pushing ourselves to be better and knowing that we are enough is hard.? If you know where it can be found, let me know?? There is a lot of self-talk happening over here that helps, but I am not yet in that sweet sport of inner peace.?

Next, there is socially-prescribed perfectionism, which comes from outside ourselves.? This is the pressure we feel from others.?

it’s this idea that everybody expects me to be perfect — so not only do I expect myself to be perfect, but when I look out into the world I see people watching, judging, waiting to pounce if I’ve shown a shortcoming, a flaw, or I failed. And so socially-prescribed perfectionists are very hypersensitive to other people’s validation and approval. And they’re very keen to conceal and disguise their shortcomings from the world because, essentially, the moment they reveal any weakness, they feel like they’re being judged. So socially-prescribed perfectionism is very much rooted in perfectionism coming from the outside.

A specific statement that helps identify this is ““Everyone else is perfect, and they’re judging me if I’m not perfect too.”? This is something our sanitized view in social media can amplify.? People generally don’t post a balanced view of their lives.? We get the highlights and lowlights.? The rest is boring, right?? But, those “boring” parts are when the journey is happening, it is where life is.? I didn’t post a dozen times over a period of days letting people know I have been reading, writing, re-reading, re-writing and moving things around, all the while questioning what message this is supposed to be sending and if it’s not perfect, what will people say?? See?? It’s easy to hit a perfectionist nerve.? ? I have dealt with socially-prescribed perfectionism and it can be debilitating.? It’s not something I have shown publicly.? But, I have worked hard to change my perspective to not care about what other people think.? I say it out loud to myself and those around me.? “Who cares?? Just do your best and it doesn’t matter what the world thinks!”?? Easy to say, harder to believe all the time.? I still have work to do, but I have come a long way and built self-confidence on many fronts, using honesty and vulnerability as my support system.? I have a reputation for being calm and collected, that I think I rightly deserve, but sometimes the anxiety churns in my stomach and the hamster runs freestyle through my brain.? I am lucky that I don’t have to deal with this on any kind of consistent basis.? I can zone out, calm the voices inside and just let go though breathing, meditation, talking to friends, and doing therapy.? Another way I do this is by getting to my “fuck it moment”, which is when I just do something and don’t care about the consequences.? I am getting to see that it is a special ability.? It is my super power in trying something new or after frustrating circumstances.? Fuck it, let’s do this shit.? More liberating words are rare.

The last type discussed is other-oriented perfectionism, which as it says it pointed towards those around you.? This is the pressure we put on others to be as good as we are, or at least as good as we think we are.

"other-oriented perfectionism is perfectionism that’s turned outwards onto other people. And the psychology here is really interesting because if you’re putting yourself through the ringer, if you’re expecting yourself to shoot for excessively high standards and you’re highly self-critical when you haven’t met those standards, well then it’s only fair that other people experience those same pressures too."

Those with this type of perfectionism expect others to do more than they may be ready to.? Why should we have to perform up to what may be beyond our capabilities or desires?? I have had colleagues in the past who have worked really long hours, but I just don’t do that.? I have a need for work life balance, not to mention a chronic health issue that means I can’t skip exercise and sleep.? It just doesn’t work for me physically or mentally.? Then again, why do I feel the need to justify myself??? My socially-prescribed perfectionism haunting me?? Maybe…? Each one of us, me included, have the right to set our boundaries and have them respected.? This is something else I have worked hard on in the past few years.? Saying no, which is another very liberating word, has gotten easier with time and use.? After all, when I say no, it’s for me, not against them.? There is no judgement, just some good old self-preservation and boundaries.? “Here is where I am willing to go or willing to do.? Beyond that, you’re on your own”.? ?? This is something to think about when we wind up judging others for not doing what we think is enough.? We need to ask ourselves if our expectations are clear AND acceptable to the other person.? This can be a challenge at home and at work.? It can lead to really challenging discussions, but they are hard conversations that need to happen.? Often, a candid chat can clear up misunderstandings and misalignment, leading to clear expectations and better outcomes.? If you are looking for a guide to help, may I recommend Difficult Conversations .?

As I send each article into the world, I see a snapshot of my inner dialogue, a reflection of my journey toward self-acceptance amid the pressure to be perfect. You might not see it, but that is indeed how it feels.? At least for a little while. What about you?? Are you a perfectionist? I hope I have helped perhaps reveal some of our self-imposed standards, external expectations, and the pressures we project onto others.? My hope is to help us, me included, reflect on our expectations and judgments. May we embrace imperfection not only within ourselves but also in those around us. Let's embark on a journey of growth, empathy, and acceptance, celebrating the unique paths each of us treads. Here's to the liberating power of saying "fuck it," stepping boldly into authenticity and vulnerability, and embracing the beauty found in the imperfect dance of life.

We are just imperfect humans living in this imperfect world. If we can help each other see that, accept it and accept each other, we will be simply be treating each other like people, and People Power Everything.

PS: If you like these, feel free to forward and encourage your friends, family, neighbours, colleagues, leaders, staff, and even mortal enemies to subscribe to the People Power Everything Podcast (Version Francophone ) which has bonus material from time to time. ?You can also reach out to me at [email protected]