Finding Authentic Approval

Several years ago, I attended a conference on elder fraud.? In one session the moderator conducted an icebreaker where he asked each attendee to say their name, how old they were, and one thing they liked about their age.? One interesting feature was that of the attendees who were middle aged and above, the attribute they commonly cited was that they were less concerned in their present age about what others thought of them than they were when they were younger.? There’s probably a lot of truth in that.? For many people, age brings greater security and accomplishment and with that comes less of a focus on the obsessions of a younger part of our life – that part where we spent a great deal of effort trying to be accepted and to fit in.? But even though age may help give us a measure of confidence in ourselves, it’s hard to ever say that we are entirely free of our quest to find approval and validation.

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Social media is a perfect illustration of this phenomenon as we post aspects of our life and eagerly wait for others to click the thumbs up button.? Sometimes this quest for ratification of our sense of self can leave us wondering if we are walking our own path in life or the one that we let others set out for us.? Who doesn’t love winning a good competition or award?? And all litigators I know savor the sweet sound of the jury announcing a verdict that goes their way.? Even when we think we are far from needing the recognition of others, we find that we are perhaps just more subtle in the quest.

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The problem of course is that this desire is one that seems like it can never be filled and so it can lead to unhealthy behaviors.? How much jealousy is expended comparing our lives to the manicured presentations that others put on Facebook?? How many of us prosecutors turn obsessively to our work, trying to climb the ladder and seeing it as a socially acceptable addiction?? As Arthur Brooks wrote in an article this year in The Atlantic on workaholism, “No one says, ‘Wow, an entire bottle of gin in one night?? You are an outstanding drinker.’? But work 16 hours a day, and you’ll probably get a promotion.”? A lot of work can leave us feeling busy and accomplished, but something usually seems missing.?

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Studies show that nearly 1/3 of lawyers struggle from alcohol abuse and while it would be easy to always see that as the byproduct of overwork in a competitive professional culture, what if for some attorneys both activities (substance use and work alcoholism) were different expressions of the same underlying issue? For me it’s been 1,190 days since my last drink, and I hypothesize that I’m not the only prosecutor who has tried to use both work and booze as a means of distraction from facing more existential questions.? In Living an Examined Life: Wisdom for the Second Half of the Journey, Dr. James Hollis writes of the danger of the “anesthetized soul” and the “distracted conscious.”? ??We spend much of our youth seeking permission from our parents to live our authentic life and that frequently gets sidetracked by their vision of what’s best for us.? Then, when we become older, we end up ceding that same authority to others to tell us what kind of life to live, what we should want, what success means, and where we find purpose. ??Then, when we invariably find a lack of satisfaction living in the gap between our true self and the life we are living from the expectations and directions of others, we turn to different anesthetics to quiet the pain of a soul that cries out for a more authentic life.?

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What are some practical takeaways??? Hollis asks the fundamental question - Is this your life and are you responsible for it? ?When we invariably answer that question with a yes, we see in it that we have the capacity to give ourselves permission to find and walk the path that is truly our own and not that built from other’s expectations.? Where does that start?? Perhaps it is with examining life and asking why we are doing what we are doing.? Is it an expression of our authentic journey or is it trying to fill the never-ending need for the approval of others?? Perhaps by finding the parts of our life that seem to lack authenticity, we can find insight into what will be more genuine – those things that bring joy, connection, and meaning to our life.? If we buy into Socrates admonition against the unexamined life, then perhaps it is time to start doing some examination.? For some it may lead to radical change, while for others it may be about altering our mindset and how we approach daily living.

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This week may we find ourselves willing to look inside for permission and approval as we try to find the most authentic path to walk.? Have a good week my friends.? Thank you for being you.

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