Find Your Silver Lining

Coping with chronic pain

Updated February 2024, originally written July 23, 2020?

I have had a headache for the past three weeks. The difference with this round is that after having so many 2–3 week migraines, I have let myself believe that it might not end. Maybe this is it. Maybe I have to learn to live with the headache pain, like so many other people who live with chronic pain. I said this aloud the other day and my 11 year old daughter immediately screamed, “No Mom! Of course they are going to go away.”

I am not sure. What I do know is that in these last three weeks, because of the Coronavirus pandemic, my husband and children have been able to see what it is like for me to have my migraines around the clock. Instead of hiding from my kids when I break down and cry, I let them see me. When my daughter sat on the floor with me and hugged me so hard because she wanted to squeeze the pain out of me, I let her. I hugged her back just as hard. Even though I said, “I am so sorry, I am supposed to be the strong one.” In the back of my mind, I have to believe that my pain has helped her become the incredible, empathetic, selfless girl she is. My boys are younger, but I know they know, because of the small changes they make in their behavior when I am suffering.

My older son, who is almost 10 will wear headphones because he knows the noise from his video games hurts my head. My younger son, who is 7 will get me ice packs and refill my water bottle. I hope that helping their mom through her pain helps them become compassionate men, who naturally look to care for those they love.

My husband runs to the pharmacy the second any medication is prescribed that might help. He takes time away from his work to try to lessen my load, but he runs his own company and we all need him to be working. My migraines last for so long and are so frequent that we can’t stop everything. The guilt is incessant. For anyone with chronic illness or recurring pain, I am sure you can relate.

One of the silver linings of the pandemic is that it gave me the “stop-the-clock” moment I have wanted so badly, so many times before. New York shut down completely. I had time away from our schedules and people, which allowed me to try to eliminate my migraines through a functional medicine protocol. First, my doctor prescribed major changes to my diet for 10 weeks and then a two-week shake-only healing program for my digestive system, to reduce inflammation in my body, but most especially my brain. Neither has shown any positive impact on my migraines (severity/frequency) yet, but I have to think positive and realize that I have been fighting these migraines for more than 20 years, the solution may not arrive overnight.

New York started opening up a few weeks ago. The kids had activities again and errands needed to be run. We started to socialize very slowly and purposefully, trying to balance our safety and our sanity (because even without a migraine, being isolated for 4+ months with kids can make us all go crazy). I once again became the mom with the migraine, painfully functioning throughout the day. Most of the time, no one outside my house would know I had a migraine because I have lived with them for so many years. Yes, I can have polite conversation. Yes, I can laugh. Yes, I can drive if I have to, but I am dying in pain. It feels like a hammer hitting my skull, but I carry on, because I have to.

When I can’t anymore, and I crumble, I am trying to let myself experience all the pain this time around. Maybe if I let myself feel, truly feel, without any guilt or urgency to get rid of the headache, it will go through its life cycle and I will get relief once and for all.

At this point, I am grasping at straws. I need a miracle.

Unfortunately migraine is not a disease or infection with a treatment protocol. It is all trial and error, hoping and praying. I do know that I will be migraine-free one day. I have to be. I was not born to live like this and I will not live like this for the rest of my life. Until that day comes, I will try to see the good in the pain and find the silver linings, because if you don’t, you will lose hope and that is not a place you want to be.

Update: February 2024

Migraines are still a part of my life. However, I have benefited from new medications (that have become available since I wrote this article) and acupuncture (which I had already tried in the past, but needed the right practitioner). I finally was able to start my own business, which had been a dream of mine, but one that I could not even attempt because of my migraines.

I want to be a voice for those who are afraid to admit they have migraines, because of what their boss or colleagues might think. I'm with you. Keep fighting the fight, and when you need a break, give yourself grace.

About the Author

Gayle Kalvert is the founder and CEO of Creo Collective Inc., a marketing agency for B2B tech companies.