Find Out What Your Real Values Are

I’m sure you have heard it before: "Our society has lost its values," "Young people have no values," "We had values before." It seems values have been lost, but that’s not really the case. Values are like energy: they change but cannot disappear.

Look out the window: people are still walking somewhere, driving somewhere. For all of them, there is some force that guides them toward a goal they VALUE. Values are the force that guides our behaviors every day.

The definition of value cannot be simpler: Values are the things that we value. It could be power, peace, freedom, security, connection, fame, belonging, recognition, friendship, family, nature, health, tranquility, control, fun, money, risk, and more. You wake up every morning to do just two things during the day: to keep the values you have or get more of them.

• Some values are written in our genes: life, for example. We all do a lot of things during the day to keep ourselves alive: we look at both sides of the street before crossing. We work to get money to pay for food that keeps us alive. We go to the doctor and have hospitals.
• Some values are explicitly passed down through family and society: You don’t steal. You help people in need. You take care of your family. You are polite.
• Some values are learned through experience: Hard work, for example, will be repeated if rewarded. Aggression will be avoided if punished.
• Some values are learned through observation: Poor hygiene will be avoided if we observe the effect it produces on us when we see it in other people.

You probably don’t remember the first time you heard that stealing is not good, that you have to eat to stay alive, or how you learned to work hard. That’s because values are acquired unconsciously, slowly, and through repetition. An exception to this rule is a traumatic experience: If you almost die in a motorcycle accident, you can start avoiding motorcycling immediately. If you develop a trauma, the values "fun" and "risk" that the motorcycle gives you will be at odds with your value "life" from that moment.

The error we make when we talk about values is that we think that we choose them. Being the acquisition of values unconscious, most of the time we don’t know why we do what we do. I can prove it to you with a simple question:

"Why did you go to work this morning?"

Not easy to answer right away, is it? Answers like "I don’t want to be fired" won’t cut it. Your values run deeper, and you have to keep asking why: Why don’t you want to be fired? "Because I need the money." Keep digging: Why do you need the money? What do you have to pay with that money that is not negotiable? Make a list. Could you live without some items you have to pay for? Do other people live without those items? Could you go on with less? Work in something different and have more time?

Each of us will answer differently to these questions. But where do you have to stop asking why? At the point where you have an emotional response: "I have to pay for the medical treatment of my father. And that’s not negotiable!" Here you have it: Family and health. Two of your values just surfaced from your subconscious.

Your values are not what you say; they are what you do. Often we lie to others or ourselves about our values just to be accepted, or to accept ourselves. If you want to discover your true values (and learn more about yourself in the process), answer these questions:

1. Where do you spend most of your money? (Make a journal if necessary)
2. Where do you spend most of your time? (Make a journal if necessary)
3. What elicits emotional responses (positive or negative) in you? What makes you mad? Sad? Nervous? Aggressive? Happy?

If you answer those questions carefully and truthfully, you will discover a list of values. They drive your behavior, so you will start to understand why you do what you do. Some of these values could make you feel ashamed: Money, power, fame, control… these are things people don’t often talk about, but many are pursuing them.

You don’t have to stop at "Why did you go to work this morning?" To learn about your values. You can ask yourself: "Why do I love singing so much?" "Why do I run every morning?" "Why did I have an argument with my partner?" In all those cases, you are defending a value or trying to get more of it. Dig deep to discover what it is.

Knowing your true values is important because most of the troubles you have in life and at work are caused by values you are fighting to maintain. If you know your values, you can wisely choose if the fight is worth it or if that value is serving you poorly. Perhaps you should change it. "Perfection," for example, is a value that, taken to an extreme, can make people miserable.

Thinking about your values is important, but it's often not urgent until you face a crisis: a divorce, a change of career, an accident, a conflict, a loss. In those points in your life, you must examine them to understand what has happened and the way forward.

The discovery of values, how to understand them, and how to use them as a guide at work and in life is a significant part of my work with my clients. Sometimes your values hinder your path to success, while other times they are the light that guides you to your goal. Knowing them is crucial. My advice? Know them before a crisis comes. Perhaps you can avoid it completely.

Carmen Lopez. Business Psychology.